Fuck tianna, sort yourself out

I need to tell you
I need to tell you about it
But I can't
It's too hard,
Too bad
Too wrong
I don't know what's going on
I think I need a shrink -.-

Oh sweetie. You really are my sunshine.
thankyou. immensely. You're an amazingly beautiful person in every way
I love you

And one day blends into the next

I close my eyes but do not sleep
I cannot cry, and yet I weep
I wake up with mascara streaks
from my eyes and down my cheeks

I have not slept properly in weeks
I wake up feeling like I just went to sleep
I toss and turn, wake up every few hours and try to go back to sleep
the only thing that helps me sleep is that song
but that song makes me cry.
It's the only thing that actually makes me cry
I cry on the inside,I feel the overwhelming despair, but not the tears unless it's that song
But it's the only thing that puts me to sleep
So I put it on, and cry myself to sleep.
When I wake up i have mascara smudges and streaks down my face
and i don't remember crying

I've become the person I never wanted to be.
I'm self-obsesed, selfish and ignorant of everything and everyone around me
I've stopped caring for others, and concentrate on myself all the time
How do I go back
How do I undo these feelings
How do I take it back, without taking it back
How do you take back what needs to stay
How do you undo the best time of your life
How do you forget the strongest memories you have
How do you hate the person you love
Solution?
You don't.

Words of wisdom from Eamon Conway

"Do what makes you smile. As long as you're happy in this moment then that's what you have to do"

Thankyou for everything bro :)

You got it right Eminem, you got it right

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills

You're gone

We don't talk like we used to
We don't say the same things we used to
It's not the same with you anymore
I wish it was
Sometimes I really wish it was
And other times I know exactly why it isn't, and then I don't mind as much
But still
I wish it wasn't this way
I wish things didn't turn out this way
But sometimes I think it's for the best
We're just not as similar as we thought

Bittersweet

You just made my day.
I have to stop this
I'm so screwed

I'm screwed

I thought I was ok
I thought I was coping
I can see the pictures, listen to the songs and cope
I lasted nearly a week. I coped for a good few days but then it all came crashing down
What do I do. tell me, what the fuck do I do
Because I'm not letting go. I refuse.
But I can't go on like this. Daily melt-downs, yeh that's the life, I can do that for 6 whole months
the worst part is knowing that nothing's changed
the worst part is knowing that nothing would be different if you lived here
And the hardest part is pretending that I'm fine
Putting on a smile
have my family joke about how I managed to survive 2 weeks without my boyfriend.
Well he's not my boyfriend, but I don't know how I survived anyway
I was actually worse off
At least you knew you had someone to go to
Someone who was with you despite the costs
That's the only thing I regret about this, is that he's not willing to try at least
And again, the hardest part is that I completely understand why
I cannot blame him
I cannot fault him in anyway
So I sit
and I wish for another 20 minute hug or foetal position hug
But I can't get that now
So I'm on my own
And finally my tear ducts work
But I don't know how to do this. How to have a casual conversation with you and not talk to you the way I want to. How do I not call you and talk for hours. How do I not stay up for hours texting. How do I not?
I'm in way over my head
I'm screwed

Grey's Anatomy got it right

Since I heard this the first time, I loved it.
Said in the most simple, yet perfect words, this quote sums up the feelings of a graduate. Apparently, as of an hour ago, that's me :D

Today is the day my life begins. Today, I become a citizen of the world. Today, I become a grown up. Today, I become accountable to someone other than myself and my parents, accountable for more than my grades. Today, I become accountable to the world, to the future, to all the possibilities that life has to offer. Starting today, my job is to show up, wide eyed and willing and ready. For what? I don’t know. For anything. For everything. To take on life. To take on love. To take on the responsibility and possibility. Today, my friends, our lives begin. And I for one, can’t wait.

I could not have put it better myself

Thanks for having the guts to say what no one else will

Is it bad?

Is it bad that I want to give up
Is it bad that I don't want to do this
Is it bad that 9 days is too long
Is it bad that I want to see you
Is it bad that all I want to do is see you
Is it bad that I like FTV classrooms
Is it bad that I don't care to break the rules
Is it bad that I don't care to sneak around
Is it bad that after 2 weeks I won't see you for a while
Is it bad?

There are so many things that I shouldn't be doing
There are so many other things I should be doing
Is it bad that I don't care?
Because right now, none if it matters
All I want to do is enjoy my life
And the next 9 days are holding me back.

Milestone

I think I may have just finished the last written assignment of my high schooling years.
I feel achieved
And tired
And Hungry.
Ok, I feel like crap. But it's done. I officially wrote an EEI in 2 days.
Kudos to me :P

Mistake

I was wrong to doubt you
I cannot believe I did
I thought you were using me, that you only wanted one thing
But I was wrong
You're not like that at all
You record me songs
And call me beautiful
You talk to me for hours, and keep talking until I fall asleep
You sat there and listened to me breathe for half an hour
You wouldn't be doing that if you only wanted sex
You wouldn't be sticking around if that's all you wanted

You said you might be willing to trial it
To give it a go
You know you've been hurt, but you'd do it for me
Why didn't I find you 6 months ago :)

I was so angry
No, worse than that I was hurt
In the deepest part of me I was hurting
I put so much into that house
SO MUCH
I planted those plants
I weeded that garden
I pruned those hedges to make them look nice
I layed the slab for the shed
I put up the shed
I put up the sun visor
I layed the grass
I planted the vege garden
I cleaned that bathroom so many times
I vacuumed that floor
We picked those tiles
We spend hours in the paint shop finding the right colour
I climed up ladders to check things
I put so much into that house
And it, and my life was taken away from me before I knew it
And it hurt
I was hurting
But then you kissed my forehead
and imprinted a butterfly on my chest
You said the most perfect things
and I know you were sober
I know you meant it
Because you always do
You take away my pain.
You always have, and you always will
You took away my pain, and now it doesn't hurt
I wish there was another way I could say 'I love you' so that you knew how much I truly mean it, but there's not. So we'll just have to settle with it
I love you

Equality

Life has put on the fast-forward this last few weeks.
It's like I'm experiencing the entirety of adolescence that I missed out on these last 5 years, and cramming it into 6 weeks.
There are so many things I've never done before that I have in the last 4 weeks, and I'm glad for it.
I have officially
Got a boyfriend
Been to a party
Procrastinated to the extreme
Not done assignments
Had a co-ed sleepover :P

So many things that I never did over the course of my five years at high school to the point where I felt left behind everyone else. I was always the last one to do anything, understand anything
But now, I've caught up
It may have taken me a while, but by the time I walk out those gates
I will be your equals.
I will no longer be the younger one who hasn't experienced the world
And I am so happy for that, that I cannot even express it

The world's a bitch

Why does the world work the way it does?
Why do things happen the way they do?
Why is it that the one time in 5 years you're seriously happy about something
that the universe decides that it's too much happiness, and that something must be taken in return.
Personally, I'm going pretty cruisy at the moment; nothing much to complain about
I'm actually coping with life, and the trials it presents me with, and I'm genuinely happy.
But the moment I start to allow myself to feel any sort of positive emotion
I feel like I shouldn't
Because you're all hurting
You're all broken
You may say you're fine, you may deny it
But the fact of the matter is, you're not fine
None of you are
and it's like, seriously, can't we all be happy at the same time for once?
Can't we all enjoy life simultaneously just. this. once?!
But no, we can't
Because of families, and partners, and school, and careers, and futures
the list goes on,
and our joy shrinks
So I would just like to say, dear universe
Puck you, miss. Puck you.

Subconscious attention seeker

yup, that's me
That awkward moment when you realise that your english assignment relates to you.
That awkwarder moment when you publish that fact on the internet :P

Knowledge

So I've recently learned a lesson.
It's a hard one to learn for me, being the sort of person that I am, but I think it was about time that I learned it.
YOU CAN'T PLAN YOUR LIFE
No matter how much I try, there is no way that I can plan for my life. I can't predict days into the future, even hours.
I need to learn to be able to take life one step at a time, and not care about what's going to happen in the future.
I need to not think about what's going to happen next week, or the week after or in 4 weeks.
I need to take each day as it presents itself, accept each opportunity as it comes.
And trust me, this is hard to do for me
You don't understand how hard it is to know I can't plan further than the next few weeks
But I'm learning
Because I realised how ridiculous it is of me to constantly try and predict, and plan
Sony taught me that, you cannot possibly plan for the future of a child that may not have one
So you plan for the now, for the present and just enjoy the time you have
So that's what I plan to do.
Enjoy each moment while it lasts :)

Juxtapose

I will never forget
the times I used to dress up in your clothes

I will never forget
the way you I hated the way you held my hand, with the pinky wrapped around my little hand to make sure I couldn't accidently let go

I will never forget
the way I was scared of the shower unless I was in there with you

I will never forget
the year we both got so many bad mozzies you ran me about 5 really hot bathes to sooth it

I will never forget
the way I was always your possum, spanner anna and baby

I will never forget
how I was your first born and you put so much effort into my development

I will never forget
how we used to drive the car in the driveway together; I would 'steer' and you would do the pedals

I will never forget
how I could always tell which pillow was yours from the smell of your hair-gel

I will never forget
how I used to watch you do your tie every morning and be facinated that you did the precise same movements every day

I will never forget
my refrain of 'see you later aligator, don't forget your toilet paper' every morning when you went to work

I will never forget
how I used to try and stretch my little arms to reach around your whole belly

I will never forget
how I was your right-hand man; we built sheds, planted gardens, cook pancakes together

I will never forget
the afternoon I ran into your room crying because I couldn't tie my shoelaces and you sat down and spent half an hour teaching me

I will never forget
how you always knew that despite my age, I was better help to you than any adult

I will never forget
how you always used to make me apoligise to mum when I was rude to her

I will never forget
how I used to like you better

I will never forget
how I will never like you better again

I will never forget
how you tore my world from underneath me

I will never forget
how you thought I would be ok with you hurting her

I will never forget
the day you threatened me

I will never forget
how angry I was at you

I will never forget
the lies you told me

I will never forget
the messages I found in your phone

I will never forget
the childhood you took away from me

I will never forget
the life I could have had

I will never forget
all that you took from me

I will never forget
what you did to her

I've tried so hard to forget. But now I realise I'm MEANT to remember, both the good and the bad. I meant to remember so that I can make sure that this won't happen to me.
You always said you didn't want your life for your kids. You re-created the first half for us, but I'm going to make sure history never repeats itself.
I don't care if you were drunk
I don't care if it just happened
You knew what you could have lost
Even though you thought I would never leave you
I did
And the only way I can accept this and move on
I knowing that in all of this you got exactly what you deserved
You lost me
And this, I know, you will regret until the day that you die

Writting

So I wrote this story for English at the begining of the year. I thought it was royally crappy, but I just re-read it, it wasn't half bad. So I thought I'd chuck it up here. 'Some of my best' XD
In all honesty analytical essays are my best, but I doubt you all want to read those :P
I also never realised I had such malice in me :D

A WOMAN UNMASKED
Those days after my marriage were not as I expected. I imagined marriage to bring a life of being waited on, of sitting in my drawing room with my wife and children around me, but I was sorely mistaken.

I was touring in the Caribbean when I first laid eyes on her and was taken aback by the sheer beauty of this one person. I looked at her more closely as she sidled over towards me. Her gently curled dark hair was tied up, save a single curl that sat on her eyelid. She looked directly at me from under her eyelids and her full lips pulled up into a smile. Her angelic face lured me in and I made room for her beside me.
My father had sent me to the West Indies to court this woman. At first I had objected; I did not wish to marry quite so young, but then my father told me of the £30,000 the woman’s father planned to bequest upon me, and convinced me to agree. He told me he planned to give my elder brother our inheritance, but found me this woman as a replacement. Though love is desirable in marriage it is not a pre-requisite, and I was willing to be content with lust and seduction if it meant a life of wealth.
I had previously met my wife’s father, but not her mother, a happenstance I would grow regret. It was not until weeks after the wedding that I became acquainted with the dear Mrs Mason. I wished I had not. She was a boisterous woman who was wrought with madness; a woman who I feared her daughter would become. Days after the wedding my wife’s actions grew more and more peculiar, and quite frankly, she began to scare me. One evening after supper, a few days after the wedding, I sent Bertha up to our room; I decided that I wished to stay in the casino a little while longer. Sometime after eleven, I decided it was time to retire to our room and I proceeded to make my way upstairs. As I reached the door to our room I tried the handle and found it locked. I thought it odd, but thought that perhaps Bertha had locked it for safety. I knocked and called out to alert her that I was there. There came no response. I knocked again, yet still nothing. Confused, I waited there a few second, thinking perhaps she might be in the bathroom and couldn’t hear me at the door.
Suddenly, the lock clicked. The door swung open slowly but as far as I could see, Bertha was not at the door. Bewildered, I edged my way into the room, each step taking at least ten seconds. For the first time in my life, I felt genuinely fearful. My instinct told me that I ought to flee, to remove myself from the situation. ‘This is ridiculous’ I thought, it was only my wife in the room, what was there to fear? With a sudden burst of confidence I strode into the room and looked around.

I was horrified at what I found there. As I glanced around the room I did not recognise the picture of tidiness that I had left not an hour ago. To my left was an enormous window that had once been covered with lush, thick curtains. What I saw barely resembled curtains; they were a tattered mass of red velvet that had been torn crudely and severely in various places. Directly in front of me was our four-poster bed which had been completely stripped of linen, which lay in pieces around the room. The feather-down pillows and cushions that once adorned the bed were strewn across the room, all torn open with their contents pouring out all over the thick expensive carpet, creating the look of a chicken coop. Still in shock I turned to my right and jumped back at the sight of what I saw.

Crouched on the floor in a clearly defensive pose was the most peculiar creature I had laid eyes on. It was a relatively small thing, with a mass of matted hair hanging in straggles in the front and splaying over its back. In the silence of the moment I could hear a soft growl coming from its direction, and my heart beat even faster. All of a sudden it let out a piercing shriek and launched itself at me. Hitting me full in the chest, I was knocked to the ground and struggled with this creature as it tried to bite at my neck. It was not until I felt the hot flow of blood on my collar that I got a sudden rush of adrenaline and threw this creature off me and pinned it on the ground.

Momentarily safe, I suddenly remembered that Bertha must have been in the room with the creature and I whipped my head frantically around to see if she was lying wounded in the room somewhere, but it was to no avail. The creature struggled to be free of me and the growling began again so I tightened my hold while I carefully inspected each crook of the room but I still couldn’t find Bertha. Distracted by the creature that was now thrashing under my grip, I looked down and a look of horror passed over my face.

I suddenly realised where Bertha was. She was lying beneath me, struggling to be free. Her face was covered in the blood that was free-flowing from my shoulder and her teeth were bared, with her full lips pulled tight over them. I looked into her eyes, desperate to find a glimpse of the woman I married, but all I could see were the dark depths of madness.

It was in that moment that I realised my wife was mad; she possessed a wicked disease that could not be cured. My father had set me up. And for that, I never forgave him. Even as I stood over him and watched him take his last breaths I was filled with the bitter hate for that man.

So I've discovered

Boys and girls are EXACTLY the same.
Like, Identical.
3 times in the last 24 hours I have experienced a guy doing something totally kind and sweet and affectionate, not the typical 'guy' thing to do.
FIRSTLY: Guy's giving relationship advice to other guys. Like sitting down, having a D&M about their lives and what they should do. In a totally kind, un-macho way.
SECONDLY: A guy sitting there telling someone to 'do what feels right' and to not let anyone else control you and to not let another guy screw you over. Totally what I would expect from a girlfriend, not a guy.
THIRDLY: Guys, in a sweet, considerate way, consoling a friend about a breakup. Offering to be a shoulder to cry on, offering to talk, saying 'I love you'.

I don't know why, but I was taken by surprise in all three instances
And I know I shouldn't have been, because I pride myself on not being prejudice
But yes.
Just thought I'd share that with y'all

WIN :D

I just got numbered.
And now we're texting.
Win? I think so :D

Jeez Tianna, you're in a good way. NOT

I always wanted a diary.
But it turns out it makes me think too much.
I've learned that talking about things is actually NOT beneficial, cuz then it's more real, and diarying is the same. It's on paper, it's real.

On another note, I feel that I will make a horrible girlfriend, when I finally get a boyfriend.
I'm far to clingy and too posessive.
I'm posissive and jelous of my friends, imagine a boyfriend!
Woe is me :P

On yet another note,
Today I stacked it. Like, completely. It was incredibly funny and painful.
But other than that, my afternoon was lovely. I succeeded in LITERALLY changing and make-uping in 5 minutes. I put on my foundation in 40 seconds, mascara in 30 and lipgloss in the car. Talk about speedy! ahahahahah

And on yet another note
You made my day today. It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't direct, but you did.
You always do
So thankyou. For always turning a bad, boring, too-much-thinking day into a carefree laughing one
I will always love you for many things, one of which is your ability to make each and every one of the days I have some connection to you. Which is all of them.

Book 40 - The Da Vinci Code

Book Number: 41
Book Title: The Da Vinci Code
Page Number: 592
Page Subtotal: 13980

Only about two books to go! I might see if I can make my original number of 20 000 pages...

Book 39 - Devil Bones

Book Number: 39
Book Title: Devil Bones
Page Number: 304
Page Subtotal: 13418

Ok

So this has been half brewing for a while, but it got brought up today, so now it's all fresh.
Class.
I hate its existence in our lives. I hate the need for there to be levels, segregation.
I got told today that people should marry within their class, not marry anyone who is beneath them
I nearly attacked them
What the hell is class anyway?
Is it just some levels that are sorted out by some high and mighty so and so somewhere
and let me guess, he's sitting at the top of the pile? Yeh, thought so
So what determines class? Is there an act, a word uttered that shuns you to a lower class?
Like, if I were to do one bad act, does that automatically mean I'm not better than the drug dealer down the road?
And furthermore, why is class sustained throughout generations?
is there anything that can be done to move up out of a class?
No, because in order to do that, you would have to marry out
and no, we can't have that now, can we
Don't get me wrong, this doesn't specifically apply to me, I don't have a fiancee on the cards
but it irritates me that my family thinks this
so what am I to do when I bring someone home to meet the family?
Do a background check and see how many loaves of bread their ancestors stole hundreds of years ago?
Like seriously, when does it end?
when does class stop mattering
because to me, it seems to be an endless cycle
because my family member suggested that if parents are bad, then kids are bad
but the thing is, we all have parents
which means it really IS a never ending cycle
Which makes it incredible unfair, unjust and just plain asdfjk;
And that brings be to another topic that's been brewing, and this one really pisses me off.
Discrimination and Prejudice.
again, completely useless and determined by some fat, rich old man who has nothing better to do but sit and point his finger.
The prejudices in society are that bad that on sony we were warned about how people would react to the fact that we were walking around public with disabled kids
Like, we were told how to react, and how they would react
it's just not right
what happened to accepting everyone for who they are?
Oh right, that went out the window with VCR's
welcome to the 2000's people, we discriminate these days
It just really irritates me that these amazing little people can be treated so poorly in society
It doesn't take 4 days to realise how amazing they all are
it doesn't take 4 days to realise that they are people too
That is an instant thing
they are a human, therefore they are just as important and amazing as you are
yet people seem to think that 'Disabled' means 'disregarded'
it's as if they don't matter in society
like they should be shunned, like they've done something bad to deserve this life
The one thing Sony taught me was that disabilities are not ways of being;
they are a personality trait
it does not, and should not define their entire life, it is merely an aspect of it
like being blonde, having blue eyes and long legs
it is a daily part of your life, but not the defining part of your life
The surprise on people's faces when they realise that someone who is confined to a chair and has limited movement, can read and communicate just as you can, just in a slightly different way was amazing.

Ok. I think that rant is over.
I'm off to bed.

My Sony Camp Speech

I doubt I'll actually get to say this on assembly, but I sincerely hope I do.
This is my version of the Sony Camp speech, and I thought I'd share it with you.

Corny as it may sound; 5 years ago I sat where you were sitting, watching the seniors get up and talk about this Sony camp thing and wondering what on earth it was. It wasn’t until the video started that I was captivated. Seeing these girls spending 4 days with these kids, taking them swimming and to movie world and all the rest was just so exciting and I knew then that I wanted that to be me when I was in year 12. And so when the time came for applications, I put my name down and we all went through the process of interviews and selections. When I got the letter saying I was in, words cannot describe my happiness.

So then the day arrived for us to go to Marist to get ready for our children to arrive. When Renata and my child, Ebony arrived we were so excited. We got everything unpacked and started to get to know each other. Ebony loved to talk and ask questions, so there was never a silent moment in our dorm. Ebony was also overjoyed to find that her best friend from school, Erin was also attending the camp, and our lives soon became centred around Erin, with Ebony always asking in her cute little voice ‘where Erin?’. After dinner it was time for T-shirt painting which is always a fun and messy activity. Our first night was better than most others, with Ebony going straight to sleep. After Ebony’s constant refrain of ‘pool tomorrow?’ the time finally came to put on our togs and set out for the Albany Creek Leisure centre. Ebony loved to swim so we had a lot of fun, and all the other children did too, especially Isabella, who Ebony called Ella Bella, who spent the whole time splashing her buddies with water.

After the pool and a lunch break, we all set off to the city to go on a river cruise. The cruise was enjoyed by some and not so much by others; we had a ‘green-faced club’ sitting outside in the fresh air, while the rest of us sat either inside or on the deck enjoying the views. Tired levels increasing, it was a long bus ride home with one of the other children Daniel providing in-bus entertainment on the way home. After another messy dinner it was time for entertainment night with musical instruments and music, but Ebony was too tired so we put her to bed. After all the children were asleep, it was time for the infamous ‘debrief’, which soon became dubbed the ‘cry sesh’. This was a good opportunity each night to let each other know how we were all coping with our children, as well as share any particularly special or difficult experiences of the day. This allowed us all the chance to know exactly where we all needed help or assistance and it was a great bonding time for us companions.

Day three brought movie world. Up until Sunday morning we weren’t allowed to tell the children that we were going to movie world in case we got rained out, but when we told them the excitement levels were off the scale. After a long bus ride full of questions about the day’s activities we finally arrived. The children’s faces that day made up for all the lost sleep and stress, and Reni and I experienced Ebony’s first REAL smile on the tweety-bird ride, as her and Catrin we having the time of their lives. After lunch and a train ride, it was time to get back on the bus and go back to Marist for our last night. After dinner it was time for a mass which ran surprisingly smoothly, with the only talkers being Chris telling us about his allergies to cats in the middle of the prayers of intercession. The children went to bed and we had another debrief, before we all fell asleep and woke to our last day at Sony Camp.

After breakfast it was time for games in the hall, which included musical statues, ball games, a conga line and face painting. An appearance from the local firemen meant that the kids had a go at holding a hose, sitting in the truck and getting plenty of stickers. After lunch it was time to pack up and get ready for the party, where everyone’s parents came to pick up the kids and mingle for a few hours. We had a show from Peebo and Dagwood the clowns and the parents were able to see the video that was put together by some of the Marist boys. After that it was time for some very teary goodbye’s as we sent our children on their way. after a final debrief it was time for us to all go home and get some much needed sleep.

All in all the Sony camp experience was amazing. It is now just a memory, but those memories were what made the experience. Though we were tired beyond words, there were moments that made it COMPLETELY worthwhile, like Hugh’s Shrek ears, Emily’s love for hand dryers, Mikayla doing wheelies, Brendon, who was blind, saying that he too couldn’t see the lost hat, Zoe’s cars, Isabella’s beads and Maisy, Daniel’s daily career changes, Chris’ love of Miley Cyrus, Tallis in his cute blue hoodie, or Richard’s amazing ability to find a packet of wheelies wherever he went. It is these memories that pulled us through, and it is these memories that will be unforgettable about our Sony Camp experience.

I'm ready

I've been waiting 4 years for this.
Four years ago, as a small little 12 year old I sat in a massive hall full of people
and heard stories about the big girls, the ones who went on this camp
at first I was confused, there were so many things going on I didn't know one camp from the other
but once I heard them talk, once I saw the photos, the videos
I was intrigued, I was captivated by the thought of this camp.
I decided then and there that I was going to go.
I promised myself that if there was one thing that I did in those 5 years, it would be this camp.
When the nominations came around I was quick to put my form in.
I was so keen to go, yet so afraid I would be told that I wasn't good enough
When I got that letter, there were no words to describe my joy
No words.
But then you didn't, and I felt bad for being happy
I've had small sneaky bursts of excitement, but nothing major
I've been preparing for this for 4 years
and I'm ready
I'm ready for whatever this child has to throw at me
I'm ready for tantrums, abuse, anger, no sleep
I knew what I was signing up for, and I'm ready.
I know you can't go
and I know you hate that, I hate it too
But I'm sorry, I have to be happy
Because this is going to be the best experience of my life
I've been preparing and waiting for this for 4 years!
For those who are going, we're going to be in for a long weekend :)
But we were picked for a reason
No matter what happens, don't be scared, don't be worried
We'll be fine, we'll be good enough
We'll have the experience of our lives.

So

Maths is done.
And now that I'm into it, I think I'm actually going to enjoy SOR. I actually sorta wish it was a hand in assignment... I could have fun with it :D

On another note, yet I'm sure related,
Is my presence in life recently.
Like my PRESENCE, actually being there, noticing things, involving myself in things
Today I found out that my friend's grandmother died nearly a week ago, and I didn't even notice
I don't notice anything
I'm constantly wrapped up in my thoughts, I'm snappy, self absorbed, impatient and just plain absent.
And I can't blame it on lack of sleep, because I sleep well
I can't blame it on stress, becuase up till yesterday, I was fine
You ruined my brain. I was going fine without you for 2 odd years,
then you pop back into my life, and I can think of nothing else
You make me confused, uncertain.
You make me think things I don't want to consider
Doing things to people I would never imagine
and it's your fault
You planted them in my brain
It's your fault
And you don't even know
Because you never noticed me
you never noticed my reaction to your every word, your every movement
You've taken over my life in the last 2 weeks
and for what?
a few abstract, inrealistic dreams?
Well thanks a lot. Thanks for nothing
But no matter how much I want to stop thinking about you
No matter how much I try to make you go away
you return, more than before
I hope someday you realise
Just how much time I spend on you
I hope someday I can actually tell you so many things
I'll add them to the list of the other 'someday' wishes I have of you and me

Sigh

I have no energy for this.
In order to pass these exams, I need 24 hours solid sleep and a weekend for study.
Instead I get 7 hours at the most and about 5 for study. FML

Book 38 - A Death in Tuscany

Book Number: 38
Book Name: A Death in Tuscany
Page Number: 381
Page Subtotal: 13114

Book 37 - Circle of Flight

Book Number: 37
Book Name: Circle of Flight
Page Number: 303
Page Subtotal: 12733

Lying

I hadn't seen you in almost 2 years
I still thought about you, wondered what you were doing, how you were going
wondering if you ever thought about me
I began to convince myself that I was wrong
that you weren't right for me
and I started to believe it, I really did.
But my detox didn't work
I saw you on Thusday night and something in me changed again
Your surprise to see me,
you quick composure
Your casual, yet serious 'How have you been'
Made me think that I wasn't making it up
But then I see your perfect girlfriend, and I realise my place
Never good enough, or perfect enough for you
I was content with a friendship
But when that was taken away from me, I began to think of what could have been
what might have been. What never will be.
But I don't think I was lying.
I saw you looking at me, when I was trying so hard not to look at you.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Book 36 - Incurable

Book number: 36
Book name: Incurable
Page Number: 246
Page Subtotal: 12430

Achievement

It's 12:36 and I have finished my Chemistry ERT.
I think I've earned myself some stir-fry. :D
Then I have to learn English... :S

It's time I told you, Thursday

I really don't like your involvement in the school week
You take up my WHOLE day, and teach me nothing
I spend you in SOR watching pointless movies that have no relevance,
And learning how to do a test that I'm already good at
and spending pointless time in lessons that I can be studying at home
So tomorrow, I'm going to spend you at home.
In my study.
And you will be productive, damn it.
I will spend you writing my Chemistry
and researching my Physics
and Learning my English
and doing my maths
and then we will all be happy.
and you don't have the right to judge me for the way I spend my time
My time, my business.

Kristy, I need to share this moment with you

I am currently (obviously) sitting at the computer
While eating.
Part of my biscuit just fell into the keyboard,
so I had to shake it to get it out.
Just thought I'd let you know, cuz I know you'll find it funny.
With Love and biscuit fragments
Tianna
p.s. Sorry for being irritating today :)

Book 35 - While I live

Book Number: 35
Book Title: While I Live
Page Number: 300
Page Subtotal: 12184

I told you

I told you I would
And it turned out much better than I expected; I'm still in one piece

Book 34 - The Other Side of Dawn

Book number: 34
Book Title: The other side of dawn
Page Number: 333
Page subtotal: 11884

I hate poetry

Yet I feel the need to be poetic.
Isn't that odd?
Or maybe that's just me stubborn way of dealing with the fact that I'm not poetic in the slightest
I pretend I don't like it
But I suppose it isn't that at all.
I enjoy poetry, I can analyse it, I understand it
I just can't be it.
I read other people's writting and am amazed at the way the words just flow
their ability to place certain words together in such a perfect way and it makes you smile
Some people critisise food; analyse the different aspects, deconstruct the flavours, the cooking styles. They find joy in the surprising tastes, risky combinations, the pleasing appearances
I do the same, but with words
The mark of a good writer is one which is utterly captivating, who can hold your attention for hours on end, when you are no longer aware of your surroundings, the time, or other needs
A good writer is one that can have you reading the book in days rather than weeks
who is able to be read over and over
A good writer is the sort of person that people choose to read by author, not by book.
I'm not a good writer, to be quite honest, I'm anything but
But I enjoy it like you wouldn't believe
The difference between me and good writers is the ease at which the words come
I am like the Gone With the Wind author, I will re-write a sentence, a line, a phrase 10 times before I am satisfied with it
I cannot convey my envy for those who can write perfect first drafts.
Anyway, the point of this is to tell you all that I think I'm going to go write
Seems the weather for it

Book 33 - The night is for Hunting

Book Number: 33
Book Title: The Night is for Hunting
Page Number: 252
Page subtotal: 11551

Book 32 - Burning for Revenge

Book title: Burning for Revenge
Book Number: 32
Page Number: 274
Page Subtotal: 11299

I had a good day

It never occured to me before this term how much we have in common,
and how well we get along.
Just thought I'd let you know
that I'm glad you're my friend.
Particularly when you say extrodinarily cute things
Particularly when you ask me to hurry up 2 seconds before I'm finished
Particularly when you give me that random seedy smile
Particularly when I find random scribblings in my book that I know are from you
Particularly when we spend 30 minutes chasing, playing with and mourning a bug named fred

So thanks for being there and laughing with me
Cuz I had a good day

p.s. I'm assuming it was you that drew two random ovals at the top of my english book? they look like eyes... SCARY! :P

Repayments

I owe it to you
You owe it to me
Yet we sit in silence
And wait for the moment to pass
To let toe awkwardness pass over
The momentary obligation to talk

I do owe it to you.
I think it's time I told you the whole story

Book 31 - The Red Tent

Book Number: 31
Book title: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Page Number 395
Page Subtotal: 11025

For english we were asked to choose a book that had changed us
A book which shaped who we are as people
I had a list, but she recommended me this one
I read it, and was amazed at even myself
at the change, the transformation I saw in myself
This book truly did change me
Never before had I been quite so eager to read a book of its genre
Never before have I enjoyed a book that I should
Never before have I cried for so long while and after reading a book
The book changed me more than I can say
and I'm glad I am able to write an assigment on it
Because it deserves it

Fear is pain.
'My stomach was ripped out with the fear of what was coming'
the uncertainty
the unknown
the fear
PAIN
My pain is real
My fear is real
But it won't go away
The only thing to fix it
will cause more pain
So I sit
and endure
in fear
Because the fear is worth it
The pain is worth it
I would kill for it to stay
So I won't tell
that my fear, is pain

Book 30 - The Crucible

Book Number: 30
Book Title: The Crucible
Page Number: 126
Page Subtotal: 10630

I have a lot of things to say

Most of them I can't bring to a subconscious level currently
So I'm just going to start rambling and ranting
and you can all either listen, or x-out and read something more worthwhile.

Today it struck me that you really offend me
like, you actually hurt me somewhere deep when you say things
and I know it's irrational
and I have no logical or serious reason to have so much hatred for you
but you really hurt some deep part of me when you speak.
I asked you what you want to do
You listed numerous things
and I said they all sounded good, and gave my opinion
and then I asked what your goal was
where you wanted to end up
and I didn't need an indepth answer
I was looking for GP, in a hospital, babies, old people
something remotely specific
and you said
Doctor.
I was stumped for a second
I was actually shocked that you didn't have some motive
so I said Paediatrition for me
and you said
Oh yeh, I've thought about that. My aunty is one, and she owns a hospital
and then it clicked
I then realised
You don't want to be a doctor
You want to be rich
because in order to make it
in order to succeed in medicine
you will need drive
something to push you
some goal at the end of the tunnel
some people have a passion for surgery
even at the age of 16 they can see themselves wiht their hands in a body
or handing out prescriptions
or taking temperatures
blood pressure
SOMETHING!
but I know exactly what you saw
Grand Balls and money and Deeds to big shiny buildings
And that's why you will not make it
You need something
SOMEthing to pull you through
and you don't have that
because you don't want this
you don't deserve this
you are not worthy of achieving this,
you need to want it more than this to deserve it
you need to cry when seeing bad marks
you need to stress and study hard and try you damndest to get somewhere
each setback tears you appart because it is pulling you from your dream
you don't have that
Because you don't want it enough

Don't talk to me about being a doctor
until you want it
because right now, hearing you talk
makes me angry and depressed that you want what I want
and it makes me depressed that we want the same thing
And you don't get to take that away from me
So don't even think about it

I found it

that blog.
on the piece of paper
It was in the wierdest piece of paper
but I found it
and like I said, it was some time when I didn't necessarily want to post it
I'm still debating whether to do so,
but you can all stop worrying
Because I found it

Book 29 - The Dream Merchant

Book Number: 29
Book title: The dream Merchant
Page number 638
Page Sub-total: 10,504

WOOOOO! two thirds finished!!!

Book 28 - Darkness by my friend

Book Number: 28
Book Title: Darkness, Be My Friend
Page Number: 274
Page Sub-total: 9866

GGEEEEEENNNNAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

It's your birthday.
Thought you ought to know (LOL HP reference)
Hope you had a great day! :D

Book 27 - The third day the frost

Book Number: 27
Book Title: The Third Day the Frost
Page Number: 278
Page Sub-total: 9592

So

I have the house to myself tonight
Guess what I'm going to do?
Spend the night curled up on the couch with my new boyfriend
His name is 'The Essentials of Physics'

Anyone got a life they want to trade me??

Just thought you should know...

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you’re beautiful
And it’s nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It’s me, I’m a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life
Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don’t give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down

(So I just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, i won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me

I'm sorry.

I know how bad you wanted this
I know how hard you worked
And I know it's not fair
That I should get to do this, and you don't
That I get chosen and you don't
And I know you were trying to be happy,
for me
But you don't have to be
I know you're upset
I don't mind
You have every right to be
You have every right to be upset with me
to be angry with me
Because I know how bad you wanted this
But it's not because you weren't good enough
Don't ever think that
Do not ever think that you are not good enough
because you are too good.

I love you
and I'm sorry

I did it again

my bad

Cuz I'm a conformer...

http://www.formspring.me/elmolover93

go for your life

I don't know how to put this

but I think it needs to be said.
I know I seem to prioritise. I realise that I don't put you first.
And I would say I don't do it on purpose, but to a certain extent I do,
So I'll say I don't set out to do it as often as I do.
But I apologise.
Because it seems that whenever you need me, She needs me more.
And I choose her.
I know it's not fair,
I know you need me too sometimes
and I am truly sorry for it
but I don't know how to change it
and I'm afraid if I don't
something will happen to her
and I can't have that.
For some reason, I have greater trust in your sanity and state of mind than hers
So I pick her. every time
and I want to apologise for it, for your sake,
but I don't want to not do it
Does that make sense?
I don't want to have to leave you to go to her, but I can't not go.
She doesn't mean more to me, you both are equal,
she just hurts more than you do
or maybe her hurts are easier fixed... I don't know
But I'm sorry
because I do always ditch you
and I know I apologise
but I don't think there's anything I can do about it
So I've just got to hope and pray that you'll always be waiting for me when you come back
Because if I had nothing to come back to
I wouldn't come back
I wouldn't survive

Book 26 - The dead of the Night

Book Number: 26
Book Name: The dead of the Night
Page Number: 271
Page Subtotal: 9314

I agree

I was going to comment this, but then I realised I had too much to say in a comment.

I was actually a little annoyed when I read that about the church.
I found it in my research, I have very similar sources.
And I was disgusted, really, that they have decided that they are going to feel all high and mighty and say that they accept gay people, but they're not going to have sex.
So basically what, they can hold hands?
They think they should be commended for acceptin people for the way they are, big whoop.
I know some of you who read this a catholic, and i don't mean to offend you
but I really think the catholic church needs to realise what they are saying.
i honestly think it would have been better for them to keep their old views, rather than half say that it's all ok.
Basically, what they do is keep everything exactly the way they have always believed it until there is definite evidence to the contrary.
Doesn't matter that they are humans who deserve the same rights as everyone else
Doesn't matter that THEY ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG
Doesn't matter
Becasue until they get set in stone information they're not saying a thing.
and when they do, they're all apologies and whatever.

I'm not anti-catholic, I believe in religion and it's benefits
but i really think they need to take a good look at what's going on in society and change some things
because they're going to start loosing people
And that's not right.
they shouldn't loose people because they aren't willing to take a look at society and see that 2000 years have passed.

sorry. rant over.

Comparisons

How many times a day do you get told you're a horrible person?
I bet I'll win.

All that ever seems to happen in my life is disappointment. All I ever seem to be is a disappointment.
A disappointment to myself,
to my family,
to my friends.
And I am constantly surrounded by reminders of how amazing I am at failing.
And I try not to see it
I try to believe what you say to me
But nothing can take away the feeling that everything I have is falling away
It's like my entity, what makes me me is leaking out of me
like, before long, there will be none of ME left
but apparently this isn't a bad thing
Because I'm a horrible person
because I should be replaced
because I'm not good enough
Because I don't meet standards.
Because no one else does what I do
No one else is as bad as I am
Because apparently, I'm as bad as it gets.
And I have tried to ignore it
but when you get told enough, you start to believe it
and then you realise how true it is
but you can't do anything to fix it
so you give in

Book 25 - The short second life of Bree Tanner

Book number: 25
Book Title: The Short Second life of Bree Tanner
Page Number: 178
Page Subtotal: 9043

AMAZING BOOK!

Book 24 - Tomorrow when the war began

Book Number: 24
Book Name: Tomorrow, when the war began
Page Number: 286
Page Sub-total: 8865

I wish I was your fairy godmother

So I could take it all away.

i feel terrible
but mostly i feel selfish
selfish because I know they're all worse off than me
selfish becuase I'm making them do my work anyway
selfish because I am
I don't want to be selfish
I don't want to make you do it all
But right now I need to care about me
Right now I need to be depressed and wollow in self pity
So I'm going to do that
At the cost of my friends
At the cost of their health and wellbeing I am going to curl up in a ball and cry and d nothing and not care
Because I'm done caring.
All I do is care
And I'm sick of it
I will reget posting this tomorrow, I know that
And i'm probably not sick of caring, I'm jsut sick
but that's what's happening in the deepest parts of me right now
I'm being selfish and not caring
Becuase I'm done caring for today.
There are too many of you to fix
So you need survive without my care for one night
you need to breathe
not pass out
not be awaiting a life changing decision
not be depressed and angry
not ignore me
not smile and make me feel better
not be angry and ranty
because tonight
I am beyond caring

I am physically, mentally and emotional exhausted
I don't have the energy for it tonight.
Please all survive until tomorrow


I just wanna jump
dont wanna think about tomorrow
I just don't care tonight
I just wanna jump
Don't wanna think about my sorrows
Let go
Forget your problems I just let them go
Can't take this any more
Can't take this anymore
Forget tomorrow
I just wanna jump

Book 23 - The Stone Key

Book Number: 23
Book Title: The stone Key
Page Number: 1000
Page sub-total: 8579

I had the wierdest dream about you last night

Like, it was the definition of wierd.
But the wierdest thing is I don't know where it came from
Other wierd dreams I have are instigated by something you said, or something that happened, or in relation to a book I read or something,
but this one was just... Wierd!
Actually, I had a few wierd dreams last night. I was climbing on roofs and tipping houses over and being chased by crazy people....
I think there may have been something in my dinner last night...

Oh

I actually can't express in words how much you mean to me.
How much you all mean to me,
but I think you were the only one who understood that, or perhaps the only one who read it.
You made me cry at the fact that I made you cry.
But yes, I am ok
I'm trying to sort myself out, trying to figure out what to do
how to respond.
I wish you could read it
I wish I could tell you everything
But I don't think I can bring myself to relive that
I have spent far too long trying to build a barrier over those memories
trying not to dream about them
or relate them to my current experiences
I'm afraid if I let them out, I won't be able to put them back
I'm afraid that they'll take over my life
That they'll consume all that I have rebuilt
So I hope you understand
I wish I could tell you
I really do
But I don't know if I can
Maybe one day
You will hear everything
until then
I'm afraid I can't.
I love you

confused

what does it mean if blogger is telling you you have a comment but the post says there is no comment??

You don't get to apologise

You hurt me
It may have been a while ago,
and maybe I don't think about it or you every day anymore
but the fact of the matter is you hurt me
you broke me beyond repair.
I was normal
I was an uncomplicated, normal person
and you took that away from me
you ripped my world from under my feet
you destroyed everything I had
Everything I believed in
You made me dark and twisty
and nothing will take that away.
I don't think you will ever fully grasp the concept of what you did to me
of how your actions impacted on me and my life
You took away my youth
you took away my childhood
You took away every stable thing I had in my life.
You say that you weren't mentally stable enough to handle my reaction
but did you ever think that maybe we weren't mentally stable enough either?
You made me fear the one thing I though was meant to protect me
You destroyed the one indestructible thing in my life
You were the thing I never deserved to have to deal with
Just when my life was back on track
finally when things are good again
you decide it's time to apologise
So I don't care if you were depressed
I don't care if you realise now that what you did was wrong
You don't get to apologise
You don't get to get it off your conscience
You don't get to feel better

History

Most of the time I don't understand you
it is a rare occasion when I completely understand all that you say
And I don't know you very well.
I don't think we were ever close enough for me to really know you
Yet I think I know that you have always been right for her
Always been the one person she could turn to.
I think even amidst the yelling and abuse that I threw at you, both to your face and not
I knew the reason you hurt her so much, or the reason she felt hurt by the things you did
was because she always knew you were right for her
you may have different personalities
and value different things
but I have a good feeling about this
I think it will all work out
because I think you were always right for her...
She was always a happier, more fun loving person with you
and although you both hurt each other at times
I think you were both better people for knowing each other
and I'm not just saying this
I honestly think you are good for her.

I don't have enough issues...

I'm a teenage girl, but I don't have any issues

I think I need a life...

oh em gee

ALANNA! I WAS JUST DOING MY CHEMISTRY HOMEWORK AND THERE IS A FORMULA I THINK YOU WILL LIKE!!!

it is

4KO2 + 2H2O ---> 4KOH + 3O2

I nearly jumped out of my skin with excitement!

Just thought I'd tell you
How's life? It's totes your birthday in... *checks calendar for today's date* *realises it's the 6th* *calculates in head* 19 days! Maybe I should give you a lovely text in 12 days like I did last year! haha :)

Is it too late to apologise?

I realised today how hypocritical I am
I have complained and whinged about not knowing your issues, but I tell you stuff all and expect you to give me something
So I'm sorry
I'm sorry for expecting too much of you
I'm sorry for being hypocritical when that's the one thing I try so hard not to be
I'm sorry for expecting you to spill your heart out when I know full well how hard that can be
So I am sincerely, truly and completely sorry
I didn't realise how bad I really was

I was proud of you today

On the bus. I'm very proud of you as a mother that you figured it out
That you found out how to fix it, and now you're going to be fixed

So well done. I was very proud.
I always am.

DON'T EVER FORGET

I love you

don't you ever forget. you must never let yourself forget that you are loved
no matter what you do, who you hurt, I love you
I love YOU
I LOVE you
I LOVE YOU
Don't ever forget

The first time...

Today was the first time you've ever done that
You don't know how good it felt for me to finally know
for me to finally have a starting point
I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong
and I'm not going to feel sorry for you
I'm not going to ask you if you're ok
because you don't want me to feel pity, that will just make you hate yourself more
and I know you're not ok, so why would I bother asking
But I have a starting point
I wish I was your shrink
because then I would be able to help with more...I don't know, more impact I suppose
But I'm not your shrink
and if I was I'd probably not be any help anyway
but my point is that
although snow white is addicted to those apples
that seem to mess up her entire life
at least she knows they are bad for her
at least she knows that she needs to stop
maybe she needs to go to an Apples Anonymous meeting to really start on her way to stopping
but at least she figured that out for herself
at least snow white knows that her prince charming will get sick of kissing her back to life
at least she knows that she needs to tell that damned witch to stop giving her apples
and until she finds the strength and ability to do that
the dawarfs will be there to help her

I don't normally make strange analogies like that, so please forgive the cheesyness.
but the point is there
you know you need to stop
you may not know how, but you know you have to.
and if prince charming is the one who is kissing you back to life
I'm glad he's around
and I'm glad you're happy,
even though it's in an obscure and confusing way.

Complaining

I have complained in the past
about what little I am told
how no one tells me anything
and let's face it, it's true
and I set out to write this blog demanding that you tell me what is going on
what you feel you can tell the one who hurt you most and not me
but then I realised
I don't tell you much either
sometimes I think you don't want to tell me because I am to whole
and I wonder why you are so sorely mistaken
I wonder why you feel you need to shield me from your pain
The same way I do with others
but then I realised
The reason I don't tell you things
isn't because I think you are too whole, too innocent and pure to be ruined
it's because you are too broken
you have too much hurt, too much pain, and I need to shield you from any more
And I think it is the same with me
you don't think I am too whole, you think I am too broken
But I'm not
I'm not too broken for you
I can handle your pain
Because you need to let me in
I will go mad if you don't let me in
I honestly don't think I can stand you go through the pain you think I haven't noticed
If I'm not there to help you through it
so tell me
let me in
I'm not broken
I need to help you
I can't not help you
So just let me

It doesn't Matter

I wonder too.
What do you do if the one thing that makes you you is gone.
There was this woman on a medical show who had a tumor in the part of her brain that held her personality.
In order to save her life, they would have had to cut out the section, meaning she would no longer be her
She chose to die, rather than loose that part.
I would too.
I have asked the question before
What do I do
If the one thing I am known for
The one thing I had going for me was gone.
And do you know what you told me?
It doesn't matter.
you said I would still be the person you know and love.
You said nothing would change.
And so
I say the same to you.
I do not love you for your brains
I do not love you for your ability to recite the different sections of the brain
I do not love you for you amazing mental capabilities.
I love you for you.
So even if all that goes
Even if none of that is there anymore
I will still love you
Because to me
None of that matters.

A mother does not love her child for their brain
She loves them for their heart

Book 22 - The Keeping Place

Book Name: The Keeping Place
Book Number: 22
Page Number: 754
Page Sub-Total: 7579

eh. No energy to explain. 8 out of 10

OMG HALF WAY!

The Deepest Happiness

It is 9:30pm.
I have spent 14 hours at this desk this weekend
At least
But it is 9:30pm
And Chemistry has all the signs of being done
It has a bibliography and a cover page and in-text referencing
Physics has all the signs of being done
It has a title page and bibliography
Maths has been studied...minimally
I did a few questions and got them right
So it is 9:30
And I am finished.
I left school on Friday without Chemistry calculations, half a discussion or recommendations or graphs
Physics had no discussion or graphs and the rest of it
Maths hadn't been looked at in 3 weeks
Yes, maybe I haven't got my chem draft back yet
Yes, maybe most of physics didn't get drafted
Yes, maybe those maths questions I can do aren't even on the test
But I don't care
Because it is 9:30pm
And I am done.
I am going to bed.

Small Joys

I wish you were there to celebrate with me, no one else got very excited.
But she hugged me today.
She didn't throw her head about
She didn't nuzzle my shoulder.
She opened her arms and asked for a hug
So I gave her one
And smiled for the next 20 minutes.
It made me so proud that you have made such an impact on this girl
It made me feel proud that I sorta kinda had a smallish role in that
I was so excited, it was amazing
So I thought I'd tell you
She hugged me today.

When does it end?

Three times so far today
And counting.

When does it end?
Today, I actually said I wasn't worried about a particular assignment, I thought I had it sorted.
One lunch-time later and I'm practically back to square one.
One of my best friends today gets her draft back with minimal stuff needed to fix it,
then she goes to clarify something with her and realises that it's all wrong and she literally is back to square one.
When does it end?
Is this some sort of test?
Do the universities actually not care how our results turn out?
Do they just want to see if we crack under the pressure?
Because if this is what it takes to succeed
I'm not sure that I want to
If this is what I want to go through to do well
I don't know that it's worth it

Do you?

Just putting it out there

Guess who has five from five?
That's right me! haha
And I can go to school on Monday and tell Wagner that I actually used my Maths abilities and skills somewhere other than Maths class for the first time ever; I calculated the probability of getting 8 from 8 in the footy tipping in one week.
Yes, I have a sad life
Yes, I know that
Yes, I am embracing it and announcing it on the internet anyway
I calculated that it is
1/256 Precisely! *pushes up glasses*
And so far, I have been one in 32! (there are 1/32 chances of getting 5 from 5)
But I cheated.
Mum and Simon are out watching the Cowboys vs Panthers game.
I have to do my physics, and don't have time to watch it, so I googled.
hehehehe *evil laugh like molly*

toodle-oodle-oo

Wish it would stop hurting, make it stop hurting

All I ever seem to do these days is cry.
Cry becasue of mum
Cry because of about 4 of my friends, each for different reasons
Cry becasue of my sister
Cry because of school
Cry becasue of me
All I do is cry.
And I wish I could stop it
I wish I could take the pain away
But I try my hardest to take away your pain
So it has to make its way out somehow
It has to cause pain somewhere
And it is coming out of me
It is coming out in tears.
But I am at least consoled by the fact that they aren't coming out of you.

Did you know that a good 20 minute cry can leave you dehydrated, with a headache and burning eyes for about 12 hours? and the exhaustion lasts for a good 24hrs or so too...

I lost it

I wrote a blog
On a scrap piece of paper
And I put it somewhere in my room
I can't remember where
And I went looking for it
But I couldn't find it
And that's ok
I'll find it sometime when I don't want to post it
But I found a letter you wrote me
And there are numerous, I seem to have a lot of letters from you
But this one was the most recent.
I'm sure you remember, you likened me to a pair of pants.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that I'm glad I found that letter.
Because it is directly proportional to the previous blog.
And I needed to read that.
So thank you again
For always saying the right things at the right time.

I wish

I wish we were twelve
I wish I was your mother
I wish we were at the age where everything was trivial, and everything could be fixed.
I thought we were going strong.
I thought we all got our happy endings, or were at least happy.
But we're not
And we never will be
It is not in human nature to be happy for long periods of time
If we didn't have self doubt, didn't have turmoil, we wouldn't be human.
But I'm damned sick of it.
I wish I was your mother
I wish I could hug you and take away your troubles
I wish it was as easy as scaring the boogie man out of the closet
But it's not
And I can't
But you don't deserve this
You have enough, and have had enough to deal with
You don't need this.
Someone mentioned that my face looked different
That I looked totally different
And I did
I was happy
For the first time in a long time,
in spite of everything else, in spite of all that is going on in our life
I was unnecessarily happy, for no reason in particular
and it felt good
But then I came back down to earth
I realised that I don't deserve to be happy,
not when you can't be
I don't deserve to have good feelings,
If you can't have them too
I don't want to be happy and have those feelings
If you can't have them along with me.

I just realised what I said up there
I put 'what is happening in our life'
our life - singular, and I did it accidently
But that is what it is
My life is your life
Our lives are all intricately connected in different ways
And we all share the one life
So if you're not happy
Then I can't be
If you're not ok
Then I can't be

I wish I could solve your problems
I wish I could put myself in your shoes and try to help you sort out your decagon
But I tried, and I'm not you
And I don't want to give you advice
Cuz what if it's the wrong advice?
What if, because of me, everything is ruined?
What would I do then if the reason you were hurting
was because of me?
What would I do then

I love to watch you

I just realised how stalkerish that sounded...not my intention
You are one of the cutest people I know.
You are not typically seen as the 'naw, how cute' type of person, but I see it.
Walking to class yesterday, I was slightly behind two people and you were somewhere behind me.
Then I see you skip past me and just randomly join yourself in their conversation, as if you had been there the whole time.
The way you did it was the cutest thing I'd seen all week.
And later just watching you with her, mothering her, diciplining her, but still letting her know you are her friend. Then hugging her and telling her to have a good weekend.
You have never been the mothering type; I think you make a point of being that way.
But you wouldn't believe how great you would be as a mother.
You really would.
In both instances yesterday, I couldn't help but smile;
you made your mother proud.

Surprise

You are more indepth than anyone gives you credit for

Even me.

You are an incredibly deep, and thoughtful person

I don't mean thoughtful as in kind - you are, but that's not what I mean

I mean you think about things

You ponder things.

Things that I've never pondered before

And I've never really realised it,

But you are an indepth person.

Book 21 - My Sister's Keeper

Book Title: My Sister's Keeper
Book Number: 21
Page Number: 423
Page SUb-total: 6825

I think you know the story line. We talk too much about it in SOR, don't need to talk more about it here!! XD

Book 20 - Ashling

Book Title: Ashling
Book Number: 20
Page Number: 524
Page Sub-total: 6402

Summarise later

Book 19 - The Farseekers

Book Title: The Farseekers
Book Number: 19
Page Number: 312
Page Sub-total: 5878

Again, I will summarise later

Book 18 - Obernewtyn

Book title: Obernewtyn
Book Number: 18
Page Number: 245
Page Sub-total: 5566

I will summarise all these books once I finish the last one, I don't have time to do it now...

Book 17 - The Hostile Hospital

I figure it's about time I blogged these books I read before Christmas

Book Title: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Book 8 - The Hostile Hospital
Book Number: 17
Page Number: 255
Page Sub-total: 5321

Can't be bothered giving a summary, children go to live at hospital, Count Olaf Finds them.
They run away. End of Story XD

We missed you!

Where were you today?
I missed you!
I asked Kristy about 5 times if she knew where you were,
each time forgetting that I had already asked.
If you are sick, I hope you feel better.
You had better be back tomorrow!
Lots of Love
Your Fairy Godmother

You got me thinking

You always do. I'm going to blog about respect too, but from a different point of view.
What I hate is lack of respect.
Those who know me well know how much it angers me to see people being disrespected.
I cannot be disrespectful. I just can't do it. Well, I'd like to think I can't, that I'm not.
Like Umbridge the other day. I could have slapped her across the face, but I couldn't talk back to her. I couldn't argue my case.
What you did wasn't disrespectful as such, but I never would have been able to do it.
I too, have issues with Authority figures.
I just smile politely and take whatever they throw at me.
I can cop abuse, and won't argue back.
I can sit there and be yelled at and just take it.
Sure, I'll break down and cry, but I won't say a thing.
I just can't.
And it's when I see the people like me, who can't defend themselves and yell back, that I grow some balls and say something.
I can be disrespectful in someone elses defence, but never mine.
I think that's a bad thing...
I wish I could stand up for myself, I wish I could defend myself.
I wish I could have told umbridge what I thought of her
But I couldn't.
and that sucks.

Insensitive

Sometimes I think some people need bad stuff to happen to them
So that they realise what they have.
Tegan seemed to me to be the sort of person who had the world at her fingertips;
She had a boyfriend, friends, she was pretty; she had it made
She did one stupid thing, and now she is in a wheel chair.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that she needed to be hurt that severely to learn her lesson
But she needed to wake up to herself.
Some people need to seriously wake up to themselves.
Looks aren't everything
What phone you have isn't going to get you through life
Too many people are too focused on the material things in life and need to see that hang on, there actually is something out there, a world that they need to involve themselves in.
I know it's not my place to say it, and it's rude and insensitive,
but that girl needed what happened to her.
She will be a better person for it.
I can pick her type, and she wasn't a good person before the accident, I garentee you that
And now she has been given the chance at a new life
And she will do it right this time
That too, I garentee.

The 'Grey's Anatomy' of my life

As you all know (or will very soon figure out) I love Grey's Anatomy, and like most things I read and watch, I try to relate it to my life, and see if it fits. In this case, it does. Naturally, as I am the star of my life, I am also the star of my show. Thus, I'm Merideth.

Firstly, Christina. We have an odd sort of friendship. Not odd as such I suppose, but certainly not your 'OMG I love you, we're totally besties' kind of outward friendship. It's more a 'I've got your back, you've got mine' which is very fitting as it's the same with Merideth and Christina. As you say, 'we don't have to do the thing where I say something and you say something and we hug and cry and there's like a moment...'. We have the 'I'll keep your secret pregnancy to our boss secret if you don't tell anyone about my alziemers mother and drunken father,' type 'I'll give you relationship advice about your heart surgeon fiancee who want you to move in, and not tell anyone about why you wanted to be a heart surgeon' relationship. We are very much a deeper kind of friendship without all the superficial rubbish. When I drowed and nearly died, you are the one who made them perform the one more round of meds and electric shocks that brought me back. You never show weakness, and neither do I, but both of us know when the other is down. I am your mother, you 'person' just as Merideth is for Christina. when you go for your secret abortion, I'm the emergency contact, and we go jogging in the mornings together. You are, naturally, the top of everything that you can be the top of, but you never boast about it or put the others down. You're always in for a bit of healthy competition, and think everything through in a logical manner so you can achieve the best outcome. Merideth would be nothing without Christina, Neither I, without you.

Next, Izzy. You are the sunshine of every day, You watch the show, you know what I mean; the world is just a better place with Isobel Stevens. You are drop-dead-gorgeous, grew up in a trailer park and fight like a man, modelled to get through med school and have a barbie doll for a mother. You are the quiet achiever, there for everyone, and will plan my wedding, even as the Chemo attacks your body. You protect me from callie when she tries to beat me up, and don't get too upset when you find I'm sleeping with an atending. You're the person no one can live without, the person who almost left me for a while there, but came back in the end, thank god. You're the one who's sweet on the outside, and who everyone thinks is a nurse, but underneath, you know what you have to do to get what you want. You may have gone crazy and cut the L-vad wire, but you came back from that after a lot of baking (fits in with your job) and now you bring deer back to life. When I drowned, (got I'm referring to this a lot) you are the one who refused to see the possibility that I might die. even when Merideth (me) was lying there blue on the table, you knew that I would make it. And on that same day you drilled burr holes in a man's skull using a power drill. you underestimate your capabilities, but are an extremely talented and exceptional person. Grey's Anatomy, and my life, would be boring and lifeless without you Izzy.

Derek. Naturally, my spose, though Merideth's marriage was on a post-it note in a locker room, not in a PE classroom. You are the one who is a) McDreamy, has been through a lot, but doesn't show it, who loves animals, and In the 'Merideth drowns' episope, someone says that you are one of few left in the world. After everything, you are still an optimist. you still believe there is hope in the world, and when I drowned in that river you pulled me out. you're the one who performed CPR for hours and sat outside that waiting room for hours. You sacrificed everything for me, but never cared. Without Derek, Merideth would be dark and twisty beyond repair, but you stopped that. You make me less dark and twisty every day I know you.

George. You are the cute, lovable, amazingly beautiful man who holds everything together. There is one memorable scene when you are fighting with Izzy and I with Christina so you pretend to be Christina for me and I pretend to be Izzy for you. That is so us, you are always there when I need you, always ready to fall back on no matter what. There was not a dry eye in the country when you died, and you are exactly his personality. On your way to joining the army to be a surgeon, you jumped in front of a bus so you could push a perfect stranger away. That is you, sacrificing all you have for someone in need. Don't ever change who you are, the world would be a worse place without you.

Alex. We're not the closest of close, but you care emensly for me, and I for you. Though you may seem to do bad things at times, everyone knows deep down that you care. You're the one who cries at the baby you almost had with Ava, who helped that poor woman from when you found her floating in the river, and helped her rebuild her strength and regain her memory. you're the one who helps this woman pick her face, helping her re-create who she is. Despite your tough guy act, everyone knows you are a big softie, and are often everyone's favourite. you're talented, do what you have to to get the job done and are compassionate and caring. You take care of my people when I can't, and are always there no matter what. Those who know you best know what a brilliant person you are, and you are much loved.

I'm about to fall asleep at this computer, but I plan on finishing the Grey's anatomy cast list in my life.

Thankyou

It does mean a lot coming from you
I feel bad, I feel as if I neglect you,
when god knows you need me more than she does
I'm not doing it on purpose.
I try my hardest to keep you all sane,
but sometimes I forget
sometimes I forget what good actors you both are
When, though everyone may think you are fine,
you really aren't
When, deep down, there is a dark and twisty Merideth lurking beneath the happy fascade in all of us
When deep down, none of us are ok.
I think I understand why people develop eating disorders
Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to start starving myself, I don't work that way
But I understand the reasoning behind it
It is because of that unbelievable feeling of no control
the feeling that your whole life, your whole world is passing you by
that everyone is up to level 10 and you're still figuring out how to pass level 2
when you hear ex-anorexics talk, they say that the reason they starved themselves
was for the control
so that there was one thing in this world that they actually had some control over
I wish it were that easy.
Because even through that, they lost control
Particularly because of that, they, once again had life out of control.
So no, I'm not about to starve myself
but I wish there was something I could control
I wish there was something in this world that was left totally up to me.

You are my Izzy. I have always seen you as the Izzy in my life
So I very much appreciate your promise.
I hope I don't have to hold you to it XD

I've changed my underpants

As you would say. Naturally, I also actually changed my underpants, but I do that twice daily anyway, and rarely blog about it. This blog actually has nothing to do with underpants, despite the amount of times the word has already been used.

I read your blog. And although I don't think it was written to me, it relates to me.
I need to stop doing things for others.
I need to do it for myself.
So I will.
Well, I'll try.
But, as my spouse, it will be your job to pull me back into line
When I get irritated with myself, or angry
it's your job to stop me, ok?
Because I don't like the person I've become
And I don't want to be her anymore.
I don't want to be a mindless robot who does nothing but sit in front of a computer all day
I want to go out, have fun and actually be a teenager.
As I said, I have changed my underpants, but by underpants, I mean I mean mind.
I have changed my mind.
What I do, I still do for her,
But I'm not going to go straight into Medicine.
For one, I don't want to be graduated before you guys
But I know that if I do try and go straight in,
I will become that mindless robot that I hate
and you won't be able to pull me away.
So I will do it my way.
I will study Bio-medical science.
You can too, if you want
And after we graduate, you, me molly and kristy can move to Melbourne like you wanted to
and we can become hot-shot doctors there.
Or, if we enjoy the home cooked meals too much, we can stay here until we finish our internship, and then move.
Deal?
But I'm counting on you
Im counting on you to remind me of my sanity,
Of this blog
Of my promise to myself that I will not become a mindless robot.
Will you do that for me?

You may not realise it but

I genuinely care whether or not you are ok
I could physically see that you weren't ok,
and when I asked, I could see that you didn't want to answer
So I left it
But that doesn't make me care any less
It just means that I respect your wishes
I never ask becasue I think I should
I ask becasue I want to know if you are okay.

hmmm

Ok, now they are doing the macarena! Definately option c) XD

I feel the need to blog something of substantiality

So here goes
I am sick of pressure.
Being in year 12, I was expecting some more pressure, more expectations, but I didn't expect it to be too much.
If I had $10 for every time I have been told in the last 4 weeks that I shouldn't work more than 10 hours a week, a could nearly buy a house.
SERIOUSLY!
We know that we shouldn't work that much, but there are other PRESSURES on us that are forcing us to work right up to, if not over that limit.
I, currently am saving to go overseas.
Plane trips and accomodation are expensive
Thus, I need my job
But I am being told my Ms sexy/chocolate/hairy armpits that I need to work less
I am being told by my mum that I need to work less
I am being told by Mr McDonald that I need to work less
and that damned Steve McCabe
seriously, if I bought a house with all that money, he would have contributed to at least half.
All of a sudden, just because this year has started, it's like there is nothing more important that QCS and OPs and I am plain sick of it.
I want to take off the pressure, I want to not work so hard, I want to go out and have fun, I want to enjoy my youth while I can, but I don't think I can bring myself to stop trying so hard.
Because she is so proud of me.
She is so, so, so proud of me.
Just for trying.
She never got this far, so she doesn't know what it's like,
To her, OP is everything
She doesn't understand why I would want to take off the pressure and use the back door
I swear, everyone she talks to knows what Uni course I want to do next year
and what OP I am aiming for
And she thinks I'm good enough,
And I wish I were
But the fact of the matter is that I'm not.
But I'm going to try my hardest, for her.
For her, I am going to do the UMAT, and work harder in my subjects
For her, I am going to ace the QCS and get into my course with a scholarship
Because for me, she has done everything
And I owe her this.
She tells me that he may have started me off, he may have made me the way I am, but that I don't have to be this way.
She tells me that she doens't care if I finish school and become a checkout-chick
She tells me that I don't need to do this for him, that I don't owe him anything, that doing it for him would be doing it for the wrong reason
And she's right
But what she doesn't realise is that instead I'm going to do it for her. Because where he started me off, she finished. Where he taught me that only the best was good enough, she told me that my best was good enough. Where she thinks I'm doing it for him, I'm doing it for her.
Because when he left, he lost one thing he never expected.
He lost me.
And she gained me.
So this I am doing for her.

I never said I wanted kids, right?

Ok, so I'm sitting here at the computer desk, minding my own business, trying to type up the tediuos calculations of my physics experiment, when all of a sudden all I can hear is SCREAMING!
It would appear that one of the neighbours is either
a) holding a screaming contest
b) being raped
c) having a party for 10 year olds

Now, by calculating the pitch of the screaming and the duration of each individual scream, I would have to say that option c) is the most accurate...WAIT! I think they just got some cake, cuz it's all quiet now.

All is good in *insert name here*-land

Just had to say

My God did I laugh

Oh deer, with a picture of a deer! lol
That is the awesomest pun I have ever seen!

I have finished My English!

I know that's boring and completely irrelevant,
But so am I, so deal with it XD

It's like, super long though... 1200 or so words...
Oh well.
So...
Sup?

I thought of you today,

And I don't very often, I'm sorry.
But today I did.
Because I was sitting in Italian, and we are doing Home and Lifestyles.
And we got our usual vocab sheets.
And on the vocab sheet were two things that made me think of you.
The first was camera da letto, as in 'tu mamma e bene in camera'
And the second, which made me smile like a retard to myself
was il frigorifero. As in la mia mucca, si chiama frigorifero.
I miss you in Italian, and they are all getting excited and prepared for the Italy trip this September, the one we were supposed to go on together.
A lot changed when you left,
And I do miss you

What to do..

Too many choices
Too many decisions
Too many options.

wake up
12B or 12C
elmo or plain
spray or roll on
Cereal or toast
juice or milk
Electric or manual toothbrush
Pony tail or bun
Maroon skirt or maroon skirt
English or Physics
Slinkys or golf balls
Titanic or Juno
Proofs or chain rule
Pythagoras or F=ma
chocolate or fruit
Uni or gap year
UQ or QUT
under-grad or post-grad
bio-med or science
3 or 4 years
surgeon or paediatrition
juice or water
read or homework
TV or movie
sleep

In one day, I have listed perhaps half of the choices and decisions that must be made by a single person. Why are there options for breakfast foods? Why does deoderant come in different forms? Why can't Mr Larsen just tell me what EEI to do? Why can't I do Juno? Why can numerous rules be used for one question? Why is there more than one University?
WHYWHYWHY

I sometimes wish, actually hope and pray that there are times when a dictatorship is in place. Because that takes away the decision making. Hair is in a bun. EEI is golf balls. Movie is Titanic. Career is Surgeon.
It may take the freedom out of life,
but at least that's easier than making a decision.

Uncertain

Of what to do.
We don't do this.
I'm not good at comforting you, at taking away you pain
You so rarely show it to me that when you do, I'm not quite sure what to do with it.
When I read what you wrote, I reverted back to the distant past when I rarely understood what you wrote.
I didn't know what it related to, but I could see that it was hurting you.
That that is what has been underlying everything this past week.
I don't know how to help you with your uncertainties
How to raise your self esteem
How to tell you that you actually are a good person, no matter what you or others may think
I don't know what to do.
Because you too, I am going to save
but saving you is going to prove more difficult than I first thought.
Because I don't know what to do.
But I will find out.
And I will save you
I promise.

Save you

There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

...

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And there's so many things I want you to know

I won't give up till it's over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

...

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cuz I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh You know I'll be there for you
...
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
...

I sat there with you sobbing in my arms and I didn't know what to do.
How to comfort you, how to make it better.
I hate that she is so mean to you when she is supposed to love you
I hate that she was supposed to be one of your closest friends and she turns on you like that
I hate that I sat there and had to watch you in that much pain,
watching helplessly
Because neither of us could do anything to make it stop.
I wish I could find the answer to take it all away.
I wish I could save you.

To My Fariy Angel

STOP DOUBTING YOURSELF, YOU SILLY GIRL!
You will do a fine job, no an EXCELLENT job; you wouldn't have been picked if they didn't think you would.
And don't worry, do what you can, work as hard as you can, because you know that me and my mrs and our antelope will be there to help you if you can't do it all.
Don't worry about your friends.
We all feel the same, but they know that you love them and that you have their back when they need it, and if they don't know that, then they don't know you too well at all.

Don't doubt yourself. Because then it will become a reality;
If you think you can't do it, then you can't.
So make sure you always know that no matter how hard something may seem, you can do it, you can overcome it (lol Kayla would so be "that's what she said"-ing right now).
Excuse the innuendo, and take the advice...I thought it was quite poetic, by my standards XD
love you

Wifey, Dearest Wifey

I miss you.
Come back...now.
And that's an order!

Never ever ever ever ever ever go away for this long again...ok?
You missed Erin's party! t'was very fun, everyone wondered what you would have worn! lol
And you weren't here for our wedding anniversary! Which I nearly forgot! whoops...
Nearly every day something funny will happen or some inside joke will arise, but you're not there to laugh about it with.
Or I'll think of something that I MUST tell you, but by the time I think of texting you, I've forgotten it.
Or something will happen, funny or shocking or whatever and I can see your reaction in my mind.
God I hate school holidays!
I miss you too much.
And you need to come back
Because I need to tell you that I got The Farseekers and Ashling for Christmas and I'm already up to Ashling
Because I need to tell you that Mikayla is reading Obernewtyn and really likes it
Because I need to tell you that Eclipse is coming out somewhere in June/July
Because I need to tell you that Harry Potter 7 part 1 is also coming out then
Because I need to show you this hilarious photo of my nunno
Because I need to show you the video of the fireworks
Because I need to watch Angels and Deamons together again so we can laugh about out particle accelerator
Because I need to tell you about the most insensitive thing I said to Erin the other night (sorry again about that Erin!)
Because I need to tell you about this crazy heart surgeon woman in Grey's Anatomy
Because I need to tell you about this awesome medical Wii game we got for Christmas
Because I need to admit to someone the amount of Grey's Anatomy episodes I have watched in the last 3 weeks (It's a lot, like 40 something episodes, more than 26 hours of Grey's!)
Because I need to show you my awesome new Elmo pencil case and towel from Sea World
Because I need to tell you about my cousins visiting, and their reactions to the characters at Sea World and Movie World
Because I need to tell you about the house hunting
Because I need a hug
Because I need to tell you that I love you and that I miss you
Because I need you!
So come back right now!

In conclusion, I'm selfish telling you that you need to come back; you need to come back anyway; I miss you and I love you.
See you soon!

First Post of the year

No, I haven't reflected on the past.
No, I don't plan too.
Life goes by too fast and too much changes too quickly for me to spend time looking at the past.
So instead I look to the future.
This year is a year of achieving things.
I have spent too much time caring so much about school that I have suffered for it elsewhere.
I know it's not ideal timing to figure that out, but I'm going to act accordingly.
I am going to work my toosh off to get good grades, but I'm not going to make school a competition as I have selfishly before.
I am not going to dwell on my marks, I will accept them and move on.
This year I am going to have FUN.
I am going to get a new job
I am going to do musical, even though every single member of my family (asides from my 12 year old High-school-musical-loving sister) is advising me against it
I am going to go out on weekends
I am going to sleep less
I am going to actually ask my date to the formal, not let kristy do it for me XD
I am going to get skinny
I am going to be totally awesome in Chamber
I am going to AMERICA!!!
A year of goals
A year of excitement
A year of hard work.
I'm ready for it...
Are you?