The 'Grey's Anatomy' of my life

As you all know (or will very soon figure out) I love Grey's Anatomy, and like most things I read and watch, I try to relate it to my life, and see if it fits. In this case, it does. Naturally, as I am the star of my life, I am also the star of my show. Thus, I'm Merideth.

Firstly, Christina. We have an odd sort of friendship. Not odd as such I suppose, but certainly not your 'OMG I love you, we're totally besties' kind of outward friendship. It's more a 'I've got your back, you've got mine' which is very fitting as it's the same with Merideth and Christina. As you say, 'we don't have to do the thing where I say something and you say something and we hug and cry and there's like a moment...'. We have the 'I'll keep your secret pregnancy to our boss secret if you don't tell anyone about my alziemers mother and drunken father,' type 'I'll give you relationship advice about your heart surgeon fiancee who want you to move in, and not tell anyone about why you wanted to be a heart surgeon' relationship. We are very much a deeper kind of friendship without all the superficial rubbish. When I drowed and nearly died, you are the one who made them perform the one more round of meds and electric shocks that brought me back. You never show weakness, and neither do I, but both of us know when the other is down. I am your mother, you 'person' just as Merideth is for Christina. when you go for your secret abortion, I'm the emergency contact, and we go jogging in the mornings together. You are, naturally, the top of everything that you can be the top of, but you never boast about it or put the others down. You're always in for a bit of healthy competition, and think everything through in a logical manner so you can achieve the best outcome. Merideth would be nothing without Christina, Neither I, without you.

Next, Izzy. You are the sunshine of every day, You watch the show, you know what I mean; the world is just a better place with Isobel Stevens. You are drop-dead-gorgeous, grew up in a trailer park and fight like a man, modelled to get through med school and have a barbie doll for a mother. You are the quiet achiever, there for everyone, and will plan my wedding, even as the Chemo attacks your body. You protect me from callie when she tries to beat me up, and don't get too upset when you find I'm sleeping with an atending. You're the person no one can live without, the person who almost left me for a while there, but came back in the end, thank god. You're the one who's sweet on the outside, and who everyone thinks is a nurse, but underneath, you know what you have to do to get what you want. You may have gone crazy and cut the L-vad wire, but you came back from that after a lot of baking (fits in with your job) and now you bring deer back to life. When I drowned, (got I'm referring to this a lot) you are the one who refused to see the possibility that I might die. even when Merideth (me) was lying there blue on the table, you knew that I would make it. And on that same day you drilled burr holes in a man's skull using a power drill. you underestimate your capabilities, but are an extremely talented and exceptional person. Grey's Anatomy, and my life, would be boring and lifeless without you Izzy.

Derek. Naturally, my spose, though Merideth's marriage was on a post-it note in a locker room, not in a PE classroom. You are the one who is a) McDreamy, has been through a lot, but doesn't show it, who loves animals, and In the 'Merideth drowns' episope, someone says that you are one of few left in the world. After everything, you are still an optimist. you still believe there is hope in the world, and when I drowned in that river you pulled me out. you're the one who performed CPR for hours and sat outside that waiting room for hours. You sacrificed everything for me, but never cared. Without Derek, Merideth would be dark and twisty beyond repair, but you stopped that. You make me less dark and twisty every day I know you.

George. You are the cute, lovable, amazingly beautiful man who holds everything together. There is one memorable scene when you are fighting with Izzy and I with Christina so you pretend to be Christina for me and I pretend to be Izzy for you. That is so us, you are always there when I need you, always ready to fall back on no matter what. There was not a dry eye in the country when you died, and you are exactly his personality. On your way to joining the army to be a surgeon, you jumped in front of a bus so you could push a perfect stranger away. That is you, sacrificing all you have for someone in need. Don't ever change who you are, the world would be a worse place without you.

Alex. We're not the closest of close, but you care emensly for me, and I for you. Though you may seem to do bad things at times, everyone knows deep down that you care. You're the one who cries at the baby you almost had with Ava, who helped that poor woman from when you found her floating in the river, and helped her rebuild her strength and regain her memory. you're the one who helps this woman pick her face, helping her re-create who she is. Despite your tough guy act, everyone knows you are a big softie, and are often everyone's favourite. you're talented, do what you have to to get the job done and are compassionate and caring. You take care of my people when I can't, and are always there no matter what. Those who know you best know what a brilliant person you are, and you are much loved.

I'm about to fall asleep at this computer, but I plan on finishing the Grey's anatomy cast list in my life.

Thankyou

It does mean a lot coming from you
I feel bad, I feel as if I neglect you,
when god knows you need me more than she does
I'm not doing it on purpose.
I try my hardest to keep you all sane,
but sometimes I forget
sometimes I forget what good actors you both are
When, though everyone may think you are fine,
you really aren't
When, deep down, there is a dark and twisty Merideth lurking beneath the happy fascade in all of us
When deep down, none of us are ok.
I think I understand why people develop eating disorders
Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to start starving myself, I don't work that way
But I understand the reasoning behind it
It is because of that unbelievable feeling of no control
the feeling that your whole life, your whole world is passing you by
that everyone is up to level 10 and you're still figuring out how to pass level 2
when you hear ex-anorexics talk, they say that the reason they starved themselves
was for the control
so that there was one thing in this world that they actually had some control over
I wish it were that easy.
Because even through that, they lost control
Particularly because of that, they, once again had life out of control.
So no, I'm not about to starve myself
but I wish there was something I could control
I wish there was something in this world that was left totally up to me.

You are my Izzy. I have always seen you as the Izzy in my life
So I very much appreciate your promise.
I hope I don't have to hold you to it XD

I've changed my underpants

As you would say. Naturally, I also actually changed my underpants, but I do that twice daily anyway, and rarely blog about it. This blog actually has nothing to do with underpants, despite the amount of times the word has already been used.

I read your blog. And although I don't think it was written to me, it relates to me.
I need to stop doing things for others.
I need to do it for myself.
So I will.
Well, I'll try.
But, as my spouse, it will be your job to pull me back into line
When I get irritated with myself, or angry
it's your job to stop me, ok?
Because I don't like the person I've become
And I don't want to be her anymore.
I don't want to be a mindless robot who does nothing but sit in front of a computer all day
I want to go out, have fun and actually be a teenager.
As I said, I have changed my underpants, but by underpants, I mean I mean mind.
I have changed my mind.
What I do, I still do for her,
But I'm not going to go straight into Medicine.
For one, I don't want to be graduated before you guys
But I know that if I do try and go straight in,
I will become that mindless robot that I hate
and you won't be able to pull me away.
So I will do it my way.
I will study Bio-medical science.
You can too, if you want
And after we graduate, you, me molly and kristy can move to Melbourne like you wanted to
and we can become hot-shot doctors there.
Or, if we enjoy the home cooked meals too much, we can stay here until we finish our internship, and then move.
Deal?
But I'm counting on you
Im counting on you to remind me of my sanity,
Of this blog
Of my promise to myself that I will not become a mindless robot.
Will you do that for me?

You may not realise it but

I genuinely care whether or not you are ok
I could physically see that you weren't ok,
and when I asked, I could see that you didn't want to answer
So I left it
But that doesn't make me care any less
It just means that I respect your wishes
I never ask becasue I think I should
I ask becasue I want to know if you are okay.

hmmm

Ok, now they are doing the macarena! Definately option c) XD

I feel the need to blog something of substantiality

So here goes
I am sick of pressure.
Being in year 12, I was expecting some more pressure, more expectations, but I didn't expect it to be too much.
If I had $10 for every time I have been told in the last 4 weeks that I shouldn't work more than 10 hours a week, a could nearly buy a house.
SERIOUSLY!
We know that we shouldn't work that much, but there are other PRESSURES on us that are forcing us to work right up to, if not over that limit.
I, currently am saving to go overseas.
Plane trips and accomodation are expensive
Thus, I need my job
But I am being told my Ms sexy/chocolate/hairy armpits that I need to work less
I am being told by my mum that I need to work less
I am being told by Mr McDonald that I need to work less
and that damned Steve McCabe
seriously, if I bought a house with all that money, he would have contributed to at least half.
All of a sudden, just because this year has started, it's like there is nothing more important that QCS and OPs and I am plain sick of it.
I want to take off the pressure, I want to not work so hard, I want to go out and have fun, I want to enjoy my youth while I can, but I don't think I can bring myself to stop trying so hard.
Because she is so proud of me.
She is so, so, so proud of me.
Just for trying.
She never got this far, so she doesn't know what it's like,
To her, OP is everything
She doesn't understand why I would want to take off the pressure and use the back door
I swear, everyone she talks to knows what Uni course I want to do next year
and what OP I am aiming for
And she thinks I'm good enough,
And I wish I were
But the fact of the matter is that I'm not.
But I'm going to try my hardest, for her.
For her, I am going to do the UMAT, and work harder in my subjects
For her, I am going to ace the QCS and get into my course with a scholarship
Because for me, she has done everything
And I owe her this.
She tells me that he may have started me off, he may have made me the way I am, but that I don't have to be this way.
She tells me that she doens't care if I finish school and become a checkout-chick
She tells me that I don't need to do this for him, that I don't owe him anything, that doing it for him would be doing it for the wrong reason
And she's right
But what she doesn't realise is that instead I'm going to do it for her. Because where he started me off, she finished. Where he taught me that only the best was good enough, she told me that my best was good enough. Where she thinks I'm doing it for him, I'm doing it for her.
Because when he left, he lost one thing he never expected.
He lost me.
And she gained me.
So this I am doing for her.

I never said I wanted kids, right?

Ok, so I'm sitting here at the computer desk, minding my own business, trying to type up the tediuos calculations of my physics experiment, when all of a sudden all I can hear is SCREAMING!
It would appear that one of the neighbours is either
a) holding a screaming contest
b) being raped
c) having a party for 10 year olds

Now, by calculating the pitch of the screaming and the duration of each individual scream, I would have to say that option c) is the most accurate...WAIT! I think they just got some cake, cuz it's all quiet now.

All is good in *insert name here*-land

Just had to say

My God did I laugh

Oh deer, with a picture of a deer! lol
That is the awesomest pun I have ever seen!

I have finished My English!

I know that's boring and completely irrelevant,
But so am I, so deal with it XD

It's like, super long though... 1200 or so words...
Oh well.
So...
Sup?

I thought of you today,

And I don't very often, I'm sorry.
But today I did.
Because I was sitting in Italian, and we are doing Home and Lifestyles.
And we got our usual vocab sheets.
And on the vocab sheet were two things that made me think of you.
The first was camera da letto, as in 'tu mamma e bene in camera'
And the second, which made me smile like a retard to myself
was il frigorifero. As in la mia mucca, si chiama frigorifero.
I miss you in Italian, and they are all getting excited and prepared for the Italy trip this September, the one we were supposed to go on together.
A lot changed when you left,
And I do miss you

What to do..

Too many choices
Too many decisions
Too many options.

wake up
12B or 12C
elmo or plain
spray or roll on
Cereal or toast
juice or milk
Electric or manual toothbrush
Pony tail or bun
Maroon skirt or maroon skirt
English or Physics
Slinkys or golf balls
Titanic or Juno
Proofs or chain rule
Pythagoras or F=ma
chocolate or fruit
Uni or gap year
UQ or QUT
under-grad or post-grad
bio-med or science
3 or 4 years
surgeon or paediatrition
juice or water
read or homework
TV or movie
sleep

In one day, I have listed perhaps half of the choices and decisions that must be made by a single person. Why are there options for breakfast foods? Why does deoderant come in different forms? Why can't Mr Larsen just tell me what EEI to do? Why can't I do Juno? Why can numerous rules be used for one question? Why is there more than one University?
WHYWHYWHY

I sometimes wish, actually hope and pray that there are times when a dictatorship is in place. Because that takes away the decision making. Hair is in a bun. EEI is golf balls. Movie is Titanic. Career is Surgeon.
It may take the freedom out of life,
but at least that's easier than making a decision.

Uncertain

Of what to do.
We don't do this.
I'm not good at comforting you, at taking away you pain
You so rarely show it to me that when you do, I'm not quite sure what to do with it.
When I read what you wrote, I reverted back to the distant past when I rarely understood what you wrote.
I didn't know what it related to, but I could see that it was hurting you.
That that is what has been underlying everything this past week.
I don't know how to help you with your uncertainties
How to raise your self esteem
How to tell you that you actually are a good person, no matter what you or others may think
I don't know what to do.
Because you too, I am going to save
but saving you is going to prove more difficult than I first thought.
Because I don't know what to do.
But I will find out.
And I will save you
I promise.

Save you

There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

...

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And there's so many things I want you to know

I won't give up till it's over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

...

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cuz I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh You know I'll be there for you
...
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
...

I sat there with you sobbing in my arms and I didn't know what to do.
How to comfort you, how to make it better.
I hate that she is so mean to you when she is supposed to love you
I hate that she was supposed to be one of your closest friends and she turns on you like that
I hate that I sat there and had to watch you in that much pain,
watching helplessly
Because neither of us could do anything to make it stop.
I wish I could find the answer to take it all away.
I wish I could save you.