You're very cute you know

I do forgive you
I do trust you.
But i can't see why you would want to be like me.

You're not my best friend by defult, you are one of my best friends.
always and forever.
And that post? after friday night?
When i wrote it, i was half thinking of you.
only i actually had you in my arms when i was thinking about writting it.
I was stroking your hair and trying to make it go away.
because you don't deserve any of the horrible things that have happened to you.
So i try to make it better.

I love you

I missed you...

I have spent the last week checking both your blogs...
Then realising that you weren't home to write in them...
But the next day doing the same thing and checking them again, like i had to assure myself that you were still away.
I missed you both...
You are two of the most important people in my life,
Don't leave me again.

In spite of my better instincts, im going to confort you...

Well, I'll try.

You're in pain...it's kinda obvious. But I'm sorry, you can't keep doing this.
She's in pain too, and you are just going to add to it.
You need to make it go away, or just deal with it. And i know that is easier said than done.
You can't keep expecting her to run to you at every moment that you need her, because sometimes there are people who matter more to her than you do at that point in time.

Tu amo lui, Io guarda.
Ma e` non bene per suo.
Si deve ferme...
Prime e` troppo tardi.

oh what am i doing here...
I don't know how to comfort you...I'm still not sure why i want to.
But please, please
try not to hurt her
at the moment.
she is hurt enough

I never knew how well i know you...

I was just thinking the other day, how much i know you.
there isn't a lot i know of the inside of you, because you are very reluctant to let people in, but i know you.

I know your cough
I know your scent
I know who your first kiss was with
I know you had a dog until year 7
I know numerous things about your family, their jobs/ages/birthdays
I know all of your grades
I know your profile - if i see you from a distance i know its you
I know your voice, i can pick it from a choir of 50
I know where you live
I know you used to share a room with your sister
I know your writting
I know how you like to set out your pages at school
I know your bra size, incorrect though it may be
I know when you are upset, despite what you tell me
I know what you are thinking most of the time, and when i guess, i am nearly always right
I know when you're depressed... like now for instance
I KNOW YOU

thats why im concerned. i think i know what you have been thinking about these last few weeks. i know you, and i am afraid for you, if what i am thinking is right. i know what you feel, i know why you feel it. I just wish i could help you...i try all i can, but you won't let me in.

please let me in.
i need to fix you
If i can't, i don't know what I'll do

I don't know what to do...

i could hardly bear to look at you last night
i couldn't let myslef see you that way.
i could clearly see the pain etched in your face, and the pain slowly etched itself in my face too.
i could see the hurt in your eyes; the never ending stab wounds in the stomache, and my eyes too, reflected your hurt.
i could hardly bear to look at you tonight.
So I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry i let i get this bad.
Im sorry i focussed so much on myself when i should have been focussing on you.
I'm sorry i wasn't being the person i was supposed to be; the one you can turn to in all situations, no matter what.
I'M SORRY I CAN'T FIX YOU

i love you with all my heart, but sometimes, and i know this better than anyone, it isn't enough.
if i could take this away; your pain, your suffering,
i would in a heartbeat
if i could take it from you, and carry your burdens for you,
i would in a heartbeat
IF I KNEW HOW TO FIX YOU, I WOULD IN A HEART BEAT
but the fact of the matter is, i can't take it from you. i can't carry it for you and up until this point, i am yet to figure you how to fix you.
So i'm Sorry.
I'm sorry my love for you doesn't take your pain away, or pout you back together again.
Maybe i don't love you enough
Maybe too much
but right now, i can't fix you
So i'm sorry

As i held you in my arms tonight i couldn't tear my eyes away from your chest. i wouldn't let myself look away from the rise and fall of you ribs with each breath.
watching you breathe, slowly in and out and gently stroking you it occurred to me that my love for you is the same love a mother has for her child.
As i watched you exhale, i begged for you to have the strength, the willpower for just one more breath, just one other, only one more. As once you did, i prayed again, for the same thing. I sat there seriously contemplating pulling you into my lap, stroking your hair and rocking you back and forth, just like you mother would have when you were a child. You needed me and i needed to know that i was strong enough, good enough to help you.

So i sat there, stroking you so gently i don't think you even noticed, watching you breathe, ready at any moment to breathe for you, if you could no longer do it yourself.

I don't know how much longer i can watch you go on like this. but what ever happens, know that always, i will be there. to watch you breathe, to make sure each breath makes it in and out safely, all the while waiting to step in and do it for you if you can't.

You should know, that if ever you feel it is too much effort, it takes too much strength to breathe, i will be there to breathe for you. Always.

Just don't ever stop. My life would have no point, without you. when i needed you, you breathed for me. Now I'm ready to do the same thing.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT'S UNHEALTHY.

I'm sorry

i just realised it has been about a year since our fight.
i am truly sorry about that.
i don't know what it is with this time of year, but the girls seem to go psycho

so, because i haven't yet, i want to formally apologise.
i know i hurt you,
and i know it was bad
i was hurting too
but i realised just yesterday how far our friendship has come in the last year.
there was a time where it was sort of off again, on again, but now i feel it is definately on.
i don't know why, but now, i seem to value your friendship more than before i lost it.

so thankyou, for coming back and welcoming me back into your life
i probably don't deserve it,
so thankyou anyway

i will always have a special place for you in my heart.
my little blondie

kristy?

definately puppies and rainbows

This has got to stop

the yelling
the fighting
the behaviour of us all

it is not acceptable for us to go like this.
no one should go around calling people childish
no one should go around saying they hate each other

i don't agree with what was said by either parties, but im not going to take sides.
im going to protect my friends in all directions, and try not to get involved.

but this has got to stop.
it cannot go on anymore.
we have more important things to think about,
it ends here.
the situation that has taken place in the last few days finished now.
no more talking about it
no more telling people about it.
things were said, they were taken back
end of story

i don't want to hear about it again, because i cannot handle any more crisis in our group.
so for the sake of ourselves, our friends and the group on a whole
THIS ENDS HERE

i think i owe you all an apology

sorry. i ranted. i was selfish. i shouldn't have posted that.

but do you ever get that way sometimes? so caught up...not really caught up, but so ...i don't know. but achievement for me is like maya in hinduism. it is like a veil that i must try to remove. not remove achievement as such, but my need to succeed. i suppose that is a good thing sometimes, but its not good when you go all crazy like i did.

i know i can be selfish, but i spent so much of the early part of my life constantly trying to please people, to the point where if i wasn't the best, i felt as if i was a failure to my family, that it is so hard to break the habit now. thats why i cant leave things to the last minute, i can't just conceed with a B, because i know i can do better, so i force myself to do that. its not too healthy but i am trying to get myself out of that.

but yes, selfishly i am the sort of person who wants to be great at something. i have spent my life being so average at everything, and watching everyone else show off what they are great at. i will never be naturally great at something, but i will work until i make myself great at something. i havent decided what that something is, but when i decide, there will be no stopping me.

oh and antelope? im sorry, but i do get very competitive with you. i will beat you at something significant, more than talking or boob size...just you watch me! i would love it to be maths...but i can't see that happening...i will try though!

now i see why y'all do it

i went for a run.
it was tiny by the standards of any of you who read my blog, im sure, but i felt good.
i was walking home from the bus today and i though 'hey, im going to go for a walk'
so i did.
i don't walk very fast
i don't walk very far
but the point is, i made myself do it, and now i feel great.
t'was a major epiphany moment for me...damn i couldn't have taken chem with me and wrote it! i would have figured it all out.
no, i found that if i tell myself i have to do something, if i tell myself i want it bad enough, i know i will have the will power to follow through.
i have some goals. i will achieve them. i will become what i want to be, even if i have to take the long way around.
goals for the end of 2010
i will beat ashlee in physics
i will get an A+ in maths
i will get in the 'a' range for italian
i will move up three spaces in each chem, english and sor
i will become more out-going
i will beat kristy in english (sorry, but look out. i will get there)
i will train in the cross country and athletics
i will get below 60 kilos

things i would really like to do and will try like hell to achieve
i would like to dux a subject
i would like to be level with kristy in physics and maths
i would like to get on the athletics/cross country team
i would like to be able to sing well on my own
i would like to be school capitan

why do i want these things?
selfish though it may be, i want to be remembered.
i want there to be a girl in 15 years come to the school with my last name and be asked if they are related to be, becuase in 15 years, the teachers still remember my intelligence, or some aspect of me. i want to be the person who is renound for conducting a procedure in medicine, i want to have people ask me things, i want to be the top or the best at something
I WANT TO MAKE MY MARK ON THIS WORLD
because i believe that there is more to life then what we live on earth. after that i'm not sure, but i want to ensure that whenever and where ever i go, i will be remembered. i don't want to be the person in the dusty photograph who is truly dead because no one alive knows my name.
is that too much to ask?
to be remembered, to be recognised for something other than just being?
of all the things that i can do, is it fair for me to not be remembered for a single one of them?
is it fair that out of all the things i can do, there are about three that i can do better than one person?
no, i suppose it's not fair. but that's life

sometimes i think...

what's the point?
is there a reason we do this.
is there an absolute necesesity that we push ourselves like this.
is it absolutely vital that i put myself under this amount of pressure, seemingly for nothing?
no its not.
but i willingly do it anyway.
there are so many times where i am this close to giving up, but somehow, i don't.
i always seem to find a way through it a way to endure.
i find mostly, when i am close to giving up, when i can no longer sleep at night for worry, when i am wound so tight that i start snapping at people for no reason, when i seriously consider leaving school, just so it can all end; i see something that inspires me.
sometimes it is something that someone says to me, but rarely (soz but words don't do much for me when i want to give up). no, what gets me is seeing a baby. or watching some medical show and seeing the before an after, seeing the woman who was blind see again, see a man get a lung transplant and play with his kids again, see a child get the beads pulled out of their nose for god's sake! but what ever it is that i see, it inspires me. i am propelled to do more. i aspire to be more. because i know that someday, that will be me.
now im not saying that im going to be a transplant surgeon or whatever, but to know that i will be one of them, that all this work, pointless though it may seem, will actully go somewhere, and become something. i will be helping people.
and when you feel as if it is all too much, and feel like giving up, when you realise that maybe you can't change the world, find something to inspire you. find something that you look at or hear and think 'hey yeh. this is worth it. one day i will be something, be someone great.'

i don't expect to change the world, but i sure as hell expect to change many people's worlds.

you don't get it

you are anything BUT a blank canvas.
there is so much beauty, so much substance in everything you do that i don't know how you think that is nothing.
everything you do, and everything you are is full of something. there is no part of you that is full of nothing.
do you hear me?
NO PART!
everything about you; your personality, your actions, your thoughts are so full of something that it is unbelievable.

i know when it feels like you have nothing
when you feel empty, yet so full of the nothing-ness.
you don't have to hide behind it.
i am here, i am there, i will listen
even when you're not fine, i want to be there, i want to help you.
it is my job, as your topaz, to be there all the time.
i will be here, dear wifey, and i will be waiting.
whenever, whatever you need me for, i am here
and promise me you will never again think you are full of nothing
deal?

moshin'

there is nothing better, i have discovered, than a good mosh pit.
before that dance (if it is me you are refering to, and the dance we attended?) i realised i had never been to a dance just the two of us. and i admit i had a BRILLIANT time.
i have never moshed all night.
literally, jumping for 3 and a half hour was something i have always wanted to do but never got around to. and with you, i didn't care that i dance like retard.
i danced like no one was watching...though i think alex had a nice look
i didn't care what people thought of me, and i think that is a real achievement, seeing as i am such a self consious person.
jumping, swaying, getting lost, sweating, getting thirsty, meeting new people, getting hit on, getting stood on, getting pushed, shoved and hit in all directions (including getting bitten on the cheek by you! XD) TWAS AMAZING!
we should do it again sometime!

I don't write to you very often...

i would like to thank you.
you have healed her... i have said before that people are like humpty dumpty, they fall off their wall and it takes another to put them back together and back on the wall. not only have you put her together, but you have helped her back onto the wall.
you have made her happy again. i have never seen her look so happy with someone as i see her with you. she literally lights up, and she looks at you like there is not a thing more important to her in the world. and to her, there isn't.
so on her behalf, on my behalf, and just because,
i would like to thank you.
you have brought her back to life, helped her while she has helped you.
thankyou for taking care of her when i can't
thankyou for listening when i can't
thankyou for helping with things i can't
thankyou.

you have made an honest woman out of her,
happy anniversary
may you have many more.

No body knows

Nobody knows,

nobody knows but me

That I sometimes cry,

if I could pretend that I'm asleep

When my tears start to fall

I peek out from behind these walls

I think nobody knows, nobody knows, no

have you ever cried for no reason?

just laid on your bed and let the tears fall?

have you ever had so much stress, so much emotion,

that the only way for you not to explode,

is to let it out in tears?

do you hold it in,

so that no body knows,

and only let go when you know they aren't watching?

so that they don't have to feel pain with you?

so you don't have to try and explain yourself to them,

you can just cry and wait for it to end?

i love you, but there are some things you just don't need to see...

'I'm lost without you'

me without you is like

bread without butter
mobiles without credit
B1 without B2
the cat without a hat
a bed without sheets
a hardrive without a screen
a violin without strings
the night sky without stars
a car without seatbelts
a toothbrush without toothpaste
a pencil case without pens
a school without kids
alice without her wonderland
TWEEDLE-DEE WITHOUT TWEEDLE-DUMM

without you i am alone, bare and helpless.
incomplete, unfinished
you said that your solution for not ever causing anyone grief is to not die.
i have said that death is not the worst thing that can happen to a person...i agree with that...but it's the worst thing that can happen to their family.
so do me a favour...
stick to your word...
don't die...
don't leave me.

dictionary says...
LOVE
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

that is NOTHING compared to how i feel for you. i have such a sense of protection, and utter...i don't know, there is no word for it, but i promise you, if you were to die tomorrow, i would never stop grieving...never stop thinking about you...and i would never stop loving you...

besides, i'm your husband, i will protect you no matter what, so you won't die...i promise

isn't it odd...

how much easier it is to express anger?
how much more effective anger is, compared to love for example?
how much more of your message can be conveyed through pure hatred?

i was reading a friend's english draft, and she has taken on the roll of a crazy Afrikaana nazi lover who hates the english. when i read the draft, i was blown away. the words she used, and the way she used them made me imaging Sergent Botha yelling at me. i could see the flecks of spit coming from his mouth, and hear his growling voice. i could hear the utter hatred coming from his mouth, only it was coming from these words...maybe she's an amazing writter (she is!) maybe im a good imaginer, but the way the hatred was conveyed was PHENOMENAL

sorry my little friend, i am going to include a bit, so everyone can see how powerful it is.

God had sent Hitler to deliver us from the English bastards who stole our country and killed our people. I was doing my duty. I was eliminating the English. PK deserved to die, and still does. All English had to pay but he got away, free and innocent he escaped with nothing but a bruise to his forehead. Me, I was scared for life.

Once PK is gone, I will find him, my father, and beat him like he did to me so many years ago. He will grovel as I overpower him. Oh! How sweet the revenge will be.

As of tonight, it will all change, for the better. Now I am on top . I have the authority and I will authorize his killing. He is hope for the Africans. With him gone we will rule. He must die. I will hunt him down. He will pay.

don't cross blondie in a dark alleyway!

throughout the world we try desperately to convey love...but it is like swimming against the current. no amount of love in the world will ever make up for the amount of hatred that exists.

so why try and love?

because although it hurts when it's gone, it feels like nothing else while it is in your grasp