Thankyou

It does mean a lot coming from you
I feel bad, I feel as if I neglect you,
when god knows you need me more than she does
I'm not doing it on purpose.
I try my hardest to keep you all sane,
but sometimes I forget
sometimes I forget what good actors you both are
When, though everyone may think you are fine,
you really aren't
When, deep down, there is a dark and twisty Merideth lurking beneath the happy fascade in all of us
When deep down, none of us are ok.
I think I understand why people develop eating disorders
Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to start starving myself, I don't work that way
But I understand the reasoning behind it
It is because of that unbelievable feeling of no control
the feeling that your whole life, your whole world is passing you by
that everyone is up to level 10 and you're still figuring out how to pass level 2
when you hear ex-anorexics talk, they say that the reason they starved themselves
was for the control
so that there was one thing in this world that they actually had some control over
I wish it were that easy.
Because even through that, they lost control
Particularly because of that, they, once again had life out of control.
So no, I'm not about to starve myself
but I wish there was something I could control
I wish there was something in this world that was left totally up to me.

You are my Izzy. I have always seen you as the Izzy in my life
So I very much appreciate your promise.
I hope I don't have to hold you to it XD

now i see why y'all do it

i went for a run.
it was tiny by the standards of any of you who read my blog, im sure, but i felt good.
i was walking home from the bus today and i though 'hey, im going to go for a walk'
so i did.
i don't walk very fast
i don't walk very far
but the point is, i made myself do it, and now i feel great.
t'was a major epiphany moment for me...damn i couldn't have taken chem with me and wrote it! i would have figured it all out.
no, i found that if i tell myself i have to do something, if i tell myself i want it bad enough, i know i will have the will power to follow through.
i have some goals. i will achieve them. i will become what i want to be, even if i have to take the long way around.
goals for the end of 2010
i will beat ashlee in physics
i will get an A+ in maths
i will get in the 'a' range for italian
i will move up three spaces in each chem, english and sor
i will become more out-going
i will beat kristy in english (sorry, but look out. i will get there)
i will train in the cross country and athletics
i will get below 60 kilos

things i would really like to do and will try like hell to achieve
i would like to dux a subject
i would like to be level with kristy in physics and maths
i would like to get on the athletics/cross country team
i would like to be able to sing well on my own
i would like to be school capitan

why do i want these things?
selfish though it may be, i want to be remembered.
i want there to be a girl in 15 years come to the school with my last name and be asked if they are related to be, becuase in 15 years, the teachers still remember my intelligence, or some aspect of me. i want to be the person who is renound for conducting a procedure in medicine, i want to have people ask me things, i want to be the top or the best at something
I WANT TO MAKE MY MARK ON THIS WORLD
because i believe that there is more to life then what we live on earth. after that i'm not sure, but i want to ensure that whenever and where ever i go, i will be remembered. i don't want to be the person in the dusty photograph who is truly dead because no one alive knows my name.
is that too much to ask?
to be remembered, to be recognised for something other than just being?
of all the things that i can do, is it fair for me to not be remembered for a single one of them?
is it fair that out of all the things i can do, there are about three that i can do better than one person?
no, i suppose it's not fair. but that's life