Titanic-breaker

Sigh. So I thought I'd outgrown this, but I guess sometimes there's no where else to turn than to the blank page of a blog.
I'm happy, don't get me wrong. My life is actually going right for once. I have everything I could have asked for, and everything I ever planned to have at this stage in my life.
And the old me is back. The me who is everything for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I like being that person; I hated myself for not being her for so long. But I forgot how fucking DRAINING it is to take on board all of everyone's problems, all the time.
5 Subjects
4 jobs
3 weeks of prac
2 volunteer positions
1 boyfriend
I can't do it all. Something's got to give, but it can't be anything on that list. So these days it seems to be my sanity. I guess I'm a bit of a stress-junkie. Testing myself to the limits and walking along that cliff face, just daring the wind to blow me one way or another.
Besides being ridiculously tired and stressed and having more things on my 'to-do' list than my 'done' list, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I thrive on leadership and stress and pressure. It brings out my true colours and forces me to prove to myself that I can cope with the extremes of situations.

So what do I say to the rest of this semester?
Bring it the fuck on.

The river flows in you

There are so many questions I would like to ask you, but I know I'll never do it.
Is this the way you saw us turning out? Is this what you had in mind?
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back, not now. Too much has been said and done and it's just not what I want to do anymore.
But at the time? You were what held me together. It was the best time I had ever spent. And as much as you hurt me, and as much as I hate the way it all happened and how much I say that it didn't matter and it didn't count, I can't deny that it did. I can't deny what it meant to me; what you meant to me. No one has ever been as sweet to me as you were. Even now, after all is said and done, I get these amazing glimpses of what we were, and of what you were for me. And at first I thought it was pain, or hurt, but it's not. It's just me remembering what you were.
Do you regret it? If you knew this is how we'd end up, barely talking, awkwardness, barely friends, would you have done it differently? Would you have given us a go? Or not given up so easily? Would you have listened to me and done what we knew was right? What we knew would work?
But I guess, if it was different, then it'd all be different. For better or for the worse do you think? You wouldn't be depressed. I wouldn't be alone.
But you're not the guy I'm meant to end up with. That much I know. So what good would it have done really? To last a little longer? A few more months of happiness? Maybe you would have been right. Maybe the pain of being together apart would have been more than being apart in all senses of the word.
Do you think we were worth a try though? At least worth the effort of giving it a go?
Do you regret the way you did it? Do you wish it could have been a sweeter, more tragic break-up? Do you think we were worth more than a few text messages after a night of too much tequila?
Do you remember our last kiss on the beach? A fleeting peck, thinking it'd only be 3 weeks before we saw each other, not months apart. If you knew we'd be over 3 days later, would you have made it mean more?
Do you know how hard it was for me? I held onto my best friend for hours and still felt empty. My chest heaving, my throat closed over, but not being able to produce a single tear for you. Not wanting to accept it was true. Writing that letter to you in a hotel in Anaheim. Your cold reply.
Do you remember the weekend in February? The weekend that I re-fell in love with you, fell out of love with you, and in love with someone else? Too much rum, too much tequila and a walk across the hall. The most confusing, best weekend of my life.
I've tried to hate you. I've tried to ignore you and cut you out of my life. But I can't. I still care about you and what happens to you. I can't hurt you more than you already are.

At times I've thought that in 30 years time, you might be forgettable, that I'll forget you existed.
But they're right. You don't forget your first love, and as much as I try to deny it, you're him.

Torn me up and pissed on the pieces

What do you do when you're told that you're the one person you've spent your entire life trying not to be. When everything that you do is spent trying to avoid being that one single person, and then the person you love and trust the most tells you that you've turned into that bastard.
I spend every minute of every day trying not to be him. Every ounce of my being is against everything that he is, yet she tells me it's all for nothing; that I'm the exact same as he is.
There is no deeper way to hurt a person. No other way to destroy everything they believe in and everything that they are.
I could have been a great person, and he destroyed that. He changed me and manipulated me to be exactly what he wanted to be. And then left me with the person who hates him the most.
"I try so hard not to be him. I don't want to be him. I hate him"
"Well I hate to tell you, but that's exactly who you are"

Thanks for ripping my soul out.

Anyone but me

I feel like i'm drifting away from my life. Like I'm drifting away from everything i wanted to be. It's like every one else is going exactly where they need to go, but I don't know where that place is or how to get there. Everyone else is becoming adults while I'm stuck being a kid who still can't figure out which way is up. I thought I knew who I wanted to be in life, what I wanted to achieve. So far all my plans have fallen to shit and I don't know how to turn it around. I have no vision in my life whatsoever. Everything I do is just because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I drift along not knowing where I'll end up. Someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. This isn't her.

Best-selling author of the shittest book ever.

It's any wonder I'm alone, it's any wonder no one wants me.

What do I have to offer. No seriously, what amazing characteristic sets me aside from others?

I'm not attractive, or pretty, I'm not courageous or daring. I'm not particularly funny, witty or intelligent. I'm far too ambitious, incredibly selfish and single-minded. I think of myself before others, get jealous of other people's achievements and I'm stubborn.

So what do I have to offer? Years of baggage, pain, hurt and commitment issues?

Oh yeah. Fucking great catch there. 

Far too often I wish I could be someone else. Someone with admirable attributes. Someone who other people aspire to be. Instead I get to be a cynical, attention-seeking, irritating person that no one wants to spend any great length of time with, and its all people can do not to run from my presence. 

I wish I could be the author of my own life. Build my character and her surroundings, put her in difficult situations that test her strength of character, but allow her to shine through in the end. I wish I could be someone that people read about and think 'Wow. This girl has her shit together. I wish my life was like hers'. I would write me an easy, but not too easy life, full of coincidental incidents that prove to everyone that she knows who she is and what she believes in. 

By now, aren't we meant to be secure in what we are and what we stand for? Isn't that what growing up is about? What about those who have to grow up too early, too fast, and miss the vital steps. Is there a sup-exam? A do-over? What happens if you never grew up properly the first time round, do you get the opportunity to do it right next time? Or do you spend your life somewhere between adolescence and adulthood, not knowing what you really are or how to change it?

You're killing me

I'm at my witt's end.
I cannot watch a romantic movie without my chest aching.
I'm not an attention seeker, I'm not doing this on purpose.
I just want this to end.
I want to live my life. I want to live my life without the memory of you hanging over my shoulder.
I want to watch a fucking movie and not be distraught for 3 hours afterwards.
Is that so much to ask?
Is the universe that much of a bitch that I'm going to continue to live like this forever?
Loving you is the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.
I need it to end.
If there's no point to loving you, then why do I have to keep experiencing this?
I need this to stop, to end, to heal.
I need to stop loving you so I can have my life back.

I wish I knew how to make it go away

Body ache

I want you to hug me until I feel it
I want you to kiss me until I feel it
I want to feel that I'm loved, that I'm something for you, for anyone.
Because each day I just plod along, supposedly getting hurt by things people do or say,
But I don't feel a thing. I'm numb.
And yet sometimes, I feel everything all at once.
It's like my dam of emotions gets a crack in it and all these emotions flow out
I don't know which rain storm it came from, I just know they're there and I can't keep them in.

Sometimes I wonder who named emotions.
It's not heartache. It's a whole body ache.