The world's a bitch

Why does the world work the way it does?
Why do things happen the way they do?
Why is it that the one time in 5 years you're seriously happy about something
that the universe decides that it's too much happiness, and that something must be taken in return.
Personally, I'm going pretty cruisy at the moment; nothing much to complain about
I'm actually coping with life, and the trials it presents me with, and I'm genuinely happy.
But the moment I start to allow myself to feel any sort of positive emotion
I feel like I shouldn't
Because you're all hurting
You're all broken
You may say you're fine, you may deny it
But the fact of the matter is, you're not fine
None of you are
and it's like, seriously, can't we all be happy at the same time for once?
Can't we all enjoy life simultaneously just. this. once?!
But no, we can't
Because of families, and partners, and school, and careers, and futures
the list goes on,
and our joy shrinks
So I would just like to say, dear universe
Puck you, miss. Puck you.

Subconscious attention seeker

yup, that's me
That awkward moment when you realise that your english assignment relates to you.
That awkwarder moment when you publish that fact on the internet :P

Knowledge

So I've recently learned a lesson.
It's a hard one to learn for me, being the sort of person that I am, but I think it was about time that I learned it.
YOU CAN'T PLAN YOUR LIFE
No matter how much I try, there is no way that I can plan for my life. I can't predict days into the future, even hours.
I need to learn to be able to take life one step at a time, and not care about what's going to happen in the future.
I need to not think about what's going to happen next week, or the week after or in 4 weeks.
I need to take each day as it presents itself, accept each opportunity as it comes.
And trust me, this is hard to do for me
You don't understand how hard it is to know I can't plan further than the next few weeks
But I'm learning
Because I realised how ridiculous it is of me to constantly try and predict, and plan
Sony taught me that, you cannot possibly plan for the future of a child that may not have one
So you plan for the now, for the present and just enjoy the time you have
So that's what I plan to do.
Enjoy each moment while it lasts :)

Juxtapose

I will never forget
the times I used to dress up in your clothes

I will never forget
the way you I hated the way you held my hand, with the pinky wrapped around my little hand to make sure I couldn't accidently let go

I will never forget
the way I was scared of the shower unless I was in there with you

I will never forget
the year we both got so many bad mozzies you ran me about 5 really hot bathes to sooth it

I will never forget
the way I was always your possum, spanner anna and baby

I will never forget
how I was your first born and you put so much effort into my development

I will never forget
how we used to drive the car in the driveway together; I would 'steer' and you would do the pedals

I will never forget
how I could always tell which pillow was yours from the smell of your hair-gel

I will never forget
how I used to watch you do your tie every morning and be facinated that you did the precise same movements every day

I will never forget
my refrain of 'see you later aligator, don't forget your toilet paper' every morning when you went to work

I will never forget
how I used to try and stretch my little arms to reach around your whole belly

I will never forget
how I was your right-hand man; we built sheds, planted gardens, cook pancakes together

I will never forget
the afternoon I ran into your room crying because I couldn't tie my shoelaces and you sat down and spent half an hour teaching me

I will never forget
how you always knew that despite my age, I was better help to you than any adult

I will never forget
how you always used to make me apoligise to mum when I was rude to her

I will never forget
how I used to like you better

I will never forget
how I will never like you better again

I will never forget
how you tore my world from underneath me

I will never forget
how you thought I would be ok with you hurting her

I will never forget
the day you threatened me

I will never forget
how angry I was at you

I will never forget
the lies you told me

I will never forget
the messages I found in your phone

I will never forget
the childhood you took away from me

I will never forget
the life I could have had

I will never forget
all that you took from me

I will never forget
what you did to her

I've tried so hard to forget. But now I realise I'm MEANT to remember, both the good and the bad. I meant to remember so that I can make sure that this won't happen to me.
You always said you didn't want your life for your kids. You re-created the first half for us, but I'm going to make sure history never repeats itself.
I don't care if you were drunk
I don't care if it just happened
You knew what you could have lost
Even though you thought I would never leave you
I did
And the only way I can accept this and move on
I knowing that in all of this you got exactly what you deserved
You lost me
And this, I know, you will regret until the day that you die

Writting

So I wrote this story for English at the begining of the year. I thought it was royally crappy, but I just re-read it, it wasn't half bad. So I thought I'd chuck it up here. 'Some of my best' XD
In all honesty analytical essays are my best, but I doubt you all want to read those :P
I also never realised I had such malice in me :D

A WOMAN UNMASKED
Those days after my marriage were not as I expected. I imagined marriage to bring a life of being waited on, of sitting in my drawing room with my wife and children around me, but I was sorely mistaken.

I was touring in the Caribbean when I first laid eyes on her and was taken aback by the sheer beauty of this one person. I looked at her more closely as she sidled over towards me. Her gently curled dark hair was tied up, save a single curl that sat on her eyelid. She looked directly at me from under her eyelids and her full lips pulled up into a smile. Her angelic face lured me in and I made room for her beside me.
My father had sent me to the West Indies to court this woman. At first I had objected; I did not wish to marry quite so young, but then my father told me of the £30,000 the woman’s father planned to bequest upon me, and convinced me to agree. He told me he planned to give my elder brother our inheritance, but found me this woman as a replacement. Though love is desirable in marriage it is not a pre-requisite, and I was willing to be content with lust and seduction if it meant a life of wealth.
I had previously met my wife’s father, but not her mother, a happenstance I would grow regret. It was not until weeks after the wedding that I became acquainted with the dear Mrs Mason. I wished I had not. She was a boisterous woman who was wrought with madness; a woman who I feared her daughter would become. Days after the wedding my wife’s actions grew more and more peculiar, and quite frankly, she began to scare me. One evening after supper, a few days after the wedding, I sent Bertha up to our room; I decided that I wished to stay in the casino a little while longer. Sometime after eleven, I decided it was time to retire to our room and I proceeded to make my way upstairs. As I reached the door to our room I tried the handle and found it locked. I thought it odd, but thought that perhaps Bertha had locked it for safety. I knocked and called out to alert her that I was there. There came no response. I knocked again, yet still nothing. Confused, I waited there a few second, thinking perhaps she might be in the bathroom and couldn’t hear me at the door.
Suddenly, the lock clicked. The door swung open slowly but as far as I could see, Bertha was not at the door. Bewildered, I edged my way into the room, each step taking at least ten seconds. For the first time in my life, I felt genuinely fearful. My instinct told me that I ought to flee, to remove myself from the situation. ‘This is ridiculous’ I thought, it was only my wife in the room, what was there to fear? With a sudden burst of confidence I strode into the room and looked around.

I was horrified at what I found there. As I glanced around the room I did not recognise the picture of tidiness that I had left not an hour ago. To my left was an enormous window that had once been covered with lush, thick curtains. What I saw barely resembled curtains; they were a tattered mass of red velvet that had been torn crudely and severely in various places. Directly in front of me was our four-poster bed which had been completely stripped of linen, which lay in pieces around the room. The feather-down pillows and cushions that once adorned the bed were strewn across the room, all torn open with their contents pouring out all over the thick expensive carpet, creating the look of a chicken coop. Still in shock I turned to my right and jumped back at the sight of what I saw.

Crouched on the floor in a clearly defensive pose was the most peculiar creature I had laid eyes on. It was a relatively small thing, with a mass of matted hair hanging in straggles in the front and splaying over its back. In the silence of the moment I could hear a soft growl coming from its direction, and my heart beat even faster. All of a sudden it let out a piercing shriek and launched itself at me. Hitting me full in the chest, I was knocked to the ground and struggled with this creature as it tried to bite at my neck. It was not until I felt the hot flow of blood on my collar that I got a sudden rush of adrenaline and threw this creature off me and pinned it on the ground.

Momentarily safe, I suddenly remembered that Bertha must have been in the room with the creature and I whipped my head frantically around to see if she was lying wounded in the room somewhere, but it was to no avail. The creature struggled to be free of me and the growling began again so I tightened my hold while I carefully inspected each crook of the room but I still couldn’t find Bertha. Distracted by the creature that was now thrashing under my grip, I looked down and a look of horror passed over my face.

I suddenly realised where Bertha was. She was lying beneath me, struggling to be free. Her face was covered in the blood that was free-flowing from my shoulder and her teeth were bared, with her full lips pulled tight over them. I looked into her eyes, desperate to find a glimpse of the woman I married, but all I could see were the dark depths of madness.

It was in that moment that I realised my wife was mad; she possessed a wicked disease that could not be cured. My father had set me up. And for that, I never forgave him. Even as I stood over him and watched him take his last breaths I was filled with the bitter hate for that man.

So I've discovered

Boys and girls are EXACTLY the same.
Like, Identical.
3 times in the last 24 hours I have experienced a guy doing something totally kind and sweet and affectionate, not the typical 'guy' thing to do.
FIRSTLY: Guy's giving relationship advice to other guys. Like sitting down, having a D&M about their lives and what they should do. In a totally kind, un-macho way.
SECONDLY: A guy sitting there telling someone to 'do what feels right' and to not let anyone else control you and to not let another guy screw you over. Totally what I would expect from a girlfriend, not a guy.
THIRDLY: Guys, in a sweet, considerate way, consoling a friend about a breakup. Offering to be a shoulder to cry on, offering to talk, saying 'I love you'.

I don't know why, but I was taken by surprise in all three instances
And I know I shouldn't have been, because I pride myself on not being prejudice
But yes.
Just thought I'd share that with y'all

WIN :D

I just got numbered.
And now we're texting.
Win? I think so :D

Jeez Tianna, you're in a good way. NOT

I always wanted a diary.
But it turns out it makes me think too much.
I've learned that talking about things is actually NOT beneficial, cuz then it's more real, and diarying is the same. It's on paper, it's real.

On another note, I feel that I will make a horrible girlfriend, when I finally get a boyfriend.
I'm far to clingy and too posessive.
I'm posissive and jelous of my friends, imagine a boyfriend!
Woe is me :P

On yet another note,
Today I stacked it. Like, completely. It was incredibly funny and painful.
But other than that, my afternoon was lovely. I succeeded in LITERALLY changing and make-uping in 5 minutes. I put on my foundation in 40 seconds, mascara in 30 and lipgloss in the car. Talk about speedy! ahahahahah

And on yet another note
You made my day today. It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't direct, but you did.
You always do
So thankyou. For always turning a bad, boring, too-much-thinking day into a carefree laughing one
I will always love you for many things, one of which is your ability to make each and every one of the days I have some connection to you. Which is all of them.

Book 40 - The Da Vinci Code

Book Number: 41
Book Title: The Da Vinci Code
Page Number: 592
Page Subtotal: 13980

Only about two books to go! I might see if I can make my original number of 20 000 pages...