The Deepest Happiness

It is 9:30pm.
I have spent 14 hours at this desk this weekend
At least
But it is 9:30pm
And Chemistry has all the signs of being done
It has a bibliography and a cover page and in-text referencing
Physics has all the signs of being done
It has a title page and bibliography
Maths has been studied...minimally
I did a few questions and got them right
So it is 9:30
And I am finished.
I left school on Friday without Chemistry calculations, half a discussion or recommendations or graphs
Physics had no discussion or graphs and the rest of it
Maths hadn't been looked at in 3 weeks
Yes, maybe I haven't got my chem draft back yet
Yes, maybe most of physics didn't get drafted
Yes, maybe those maths questions I can do aren't even on the test
But I don't care
Because it is 9:30pm
And I am done.
I am going to bed.

Small Joys

I wish you were there to celebrate with me, no one else got very excited.
But she hugged me today.
She didn't throw her head about
She didn't nuzzle my shoulder.
She opened her arms and asked for a hug
So I gave her one
And smiled for the next 20 minutes.
It made me so proud that you have made such an impact on this girl
It made me feel proud that I sorta kinda had a smallish role in that
I was so excited, it was amazing
So I thought I'd tell you
She hugged me today.

When does it end?

Three times so far today
And counting.

When does it end?
Today, I actually said I wasn't worried about a particular assignment, I thought I had it sorted.
One lunch-time later and I'm practically back to square one.
One of my best friends today gets her draft back with minimal stuff needed to fix it,
then she goes to clarify something with her and realises that it's all wrong and she literally is back to square one.
When does it end?
Is this some sort of test?
Do the universities actually not care how our results turn out?
Do they just want to see if we crack under the pressure?
Because if this is what it takes to succeed
I'm not sure that I want to
If this is what I want to go through to do well
I don't know that it's worth it

Do you?

Just putting it out there

Guess who has five from five?
That's right me! haha
And I can go to school on Monday and tell Wagner that I actually used my Maths abilities and skills somewhere other than Maths class for the first time ever; I calculated the probability of getting 8 from 8 in the footy tipping in one week.
Yes, I have a sad life
Yes, I know that
Yes, I am embracing it and announcing it on the internet anyway
I calculated that it is
1/256 Precisely! *pushes up glasses*
And so far, I have been one in 32! (there are 1/32 chances of getting 5 from 5)
But I cheated.
Mum and Simon are out watching the Cowboys vs Panthers game.
I have to do my physics, and don't have time to watch it, so I googled.
hehehehe *evil laugh like molly*

toodle-oodle-oo

Wish it would stop hurting, make it stop hurting

All I ever seem to do these days is cry.
Cry becasue of mum
Cry because of about 4 of my friends, each for different reasons
Cry becasue of my sister
Cry because of school
Cry becasue of me
All I do is cry.
And I wish I could stop it
I wish I could take the pain away
But I try my hardest to take away your pain
So it has to make its way out somehow
It has to cause pain somewhere
And it is coming out of me
It is coming out in tears.
But I am at least consoled by the fact that they aren't coming out of you.

Did you know that a good 20 minute cry can leave you dehydrated, with a headache and burning eyes for about 12 hours? and the exhaustion lasts for a good 24hrs or so too...

I lost it

I wrote a blog
On a scrap piece of paper
And I put it somewhere in my room
I can't remember where
And I went looking for it
But I couldn't find it
And that's ok
I'll find it sometime when I don't want to post it
But I found a letter you wrote me
And there are numerous, I seem to have a lot of letters from you
But this one was the most recent.
I'm sure you remember, you likened me to a pair of pants.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that I'm glad I found that letter.
Because it is directly proportional to the previous blog.
And I needed to read that.
So thank you again
For always saying the right things at the right time.

I wish

I wish we were twelve
I wish I was your mother
I wish we were at the age where everything was trivial, and everything could be fixed.
I thought we were going strong.
I thought we all got our happy endings, or were at least happy.
But we're not
And we never will be
It is not in human nature to be happy for long periods of time
If we didn't have self doubt, didn't have turmoil, we wouldn't be human.
But I'm damned sick of it.
I wish I was your mother
I wish I could hug you and take away your troubles
I wish it was as easy as scaring the boogie man out of the closet
But it's not
And I can't
But you don't deserve this
You have enough, and have had enough to deal with
You don't need this.
Someone mentioned that my face looked different
That I looked totally different
And I did
I was happy
For the first time in a long time,
in spite of everything else, in spite of all that is going on in our life
I was unnecessarily happy, for no reason in particular
and it felt good
But then I came back down to earth
I realised that I don't deserve to be happy,
not when you can't be
I don't deserve to have good feelings,
If you can't have them too
I don't want to be happy and have those feelings
If you can't have them along with me.

I just realised what I said up there
I put 'what is happening in our life'
our life - singular, and I did it accidently
But that is what it is
My life is your life
Our lives are all intricately connected in different ways
And we all share the one life
So if you're not happy
Then I can't be
If you're not ok
Then I can't be

I wish I could solve your problems
I wish I could put myself in your shoes and try to help you sort out your decagon
But I tried, and I'm not you
And I don't want to give you advice
Cuz what if it's the wrong advice?
What if, because of me, everything is ruined?
What would I do then if the reason you were hurting
was because of me?
What would I do then

I love to watch you

I just realised how stalkerish that sounded...not my intention
You are one of the cutest people I know.
You are not typically seen as the 'naw, how cute' type of person, but I see it.
Walking to class yesterday, I was slightly behind two people and you were somewhere behind me.
Then I see you skip past me and just randomly join yourself in their conversation, as if you had been there the whole time.
The way you did it was the cutest thing I'd seen all week.
And later just watching you with her, mothering her, diciplining her, but still letting her know you are her friend. Then hugging her and telling her to have a good weekend.
You have never been the mothering type; I think you make a point of being that way.
But you wouldn't believe how great you would be as a mother.
You really would.
In both instances yesterday, I couldn't help but smile;
you made your mother proud.

Surprise

You are more indepth than anyone gives you credit for

Even me.

You are an incredibly deep, and thoughtful person

I don't mean thoughtful as in kind - you are, but that's not what I mean

I mean you think about things

You ponder things.

Things that I've never pondered before

And I've never really realised it,

But you are an indepth person.

Book 21 - My Sister's Keeper

Book Title: My Sister's Keeper
Book Number: 21
Page Number: 423
Page SUb-total: 6825

I think you know the story line. We talk too much about it in SOR, don't need to talk more about it here!! XD

Book 20 - Ashling

Book Title: Ashling
Book Number: 20
Page Number: 524
Page Sub-total: 6402

Summarise later

Book 19 - The Farseekers

Book Title: The Farseekers
Book Number: 19
Page Number: 312
Page Sub-total: 5878

Again, I will summarise later

Book 18 - Obernewtyn

Book title: Obernewtyn
Book Number: 18
Page Number: 245
Page Sub-total: 5566

I will summarise all these books once I finish the last one, I don't have time to do it now...

Book 17 - The Hostile Hospital

I figure it's about time I blogged these books I read before Christmas

Book Title: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Book 8 - The Hostile Hospital
Book Number: 17
Page Number: 255
Page Sub-total: 5321

Can't be bothered giving a summary, children go to live at hospital, Count Olaf Finds them.
They run away. End of Story XD

We missed you!

Where were you today?
I missed you!
I asked Kristy about 5 times if she knew where you were,
each time forgetting that I had already asked.
If you are sick, I hope you feel better.
You had better be back tomorrow!
Lots of Love
Your Fairy Godmother

You got me thinking

You always do. I'm going to blog about respect too, but from a different point of view.
What I hate is lack of respect.
Those who know me well know how much it angers me to see people being disrespected.
I cannot be disrespectful. I just can't do it. Well, I'd like to think I can't, that I'm not.
Like Umbridge the other day. I could have slapped her across the face, but I couldn't talk back to her. I couldn't argue my case.
What you did wasn't disrespectful as such, but I never would have been able to do it.
I too, have issues with Authority figures.
I just smile politely and take whatever they throw at me.
I can cop abuse, and won't argue back.
I can sit there and be yelled at and just take it.
Sure, I'll break down and cry, but I won't say a thing.
I just can't.
And it's when I see the people like me, who can't defend themselves and yell back, that I grow some balls and say something.
I can be disrespectful in someone elses defence, but never mine.
I think that's a bad thing...
I wish I could stand up for myself, I wish I could defend myself.
I wish I could have told umbridge what I thought of her
But I couldn't.
and that sucks.

Insensitive

Sometimes I think some people need bad stuff to happen to them
So that they realise what they have.
Tegan seemed to me to be the sort of person who had the world at her fingertips;
She had a boyfriend, friends, she was pretty; she had it made
She did one stupid thing, and now she is in a wheel chair.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that she needed to be hurt that severely to learn her lesson
But she needed to wake up to herself.
Some people need to seriously wake up to themselves.
Looks aren't everything
What phone you have isn't going to get you through life
Too many people are too focused on the material things in life and need to see that hang on, there actually is something out there, a world that they need to involve themselves in.
I know it's not my place to say it, and it's rude and insensitive,
but that girl needed what happened to her.
She will be a better person for it.
I can pick her type, and she wasn't a good person before the accident, I garentee you that
And now she has been given the chance at a new life
And she will do it right this time
That too, I garentee.