I wish

I wish we were twelve
I wish I was your mother
I wish we were at the age where everything was trivial, and everything could be fixed.
I thought we were going strong.
I thought we all got our happy endings, or were at least happy.
But we're not
And we never will be
It is not in human nature to be happy for long periods of time
If we didn't have self doubt, didn't have turmoil, we wouldn't be human.
But I'm damned sick of it.
I wish I was your mother
I wish I could hug you and take away your troubles
I wish it was as easy as scaring the boogie man out of the closet
But it's not
And I can't
But you don't deserve this
You have enough, and have had enough to deal with
You don't need this.
Someone mentioned that my face looked different
That I looked totally different
And I did
I was happy
For the first time in a long time,
in spite of everything else, in spite of all that is going on in our life
I was unnecessarily happy, for no reason in particular
and it felt good
But then I came back down to earth
I realised that I don't deserve to be happy,
not when you can't be
I don't deserve to have good feelings,
If you can't have them too
I don't want to be happy and have those feelings
If you can't have them along with me.

I just realised what I said up there
I put 'what is happening in our life'
our life - singular, and I did it accidently
But that is what it is
My life is your life
Our lives are all intricately connected in different ways
And we all share the one life
So if you're not happy
Then I can't be
If you're not ok
Then I can't be

I wish I could solve your problems
I wish I could put myself in your shoes and try to help you sort out your decagon
But I tried, and I'm not you
And I don't want to give you advice
Cuz what if it's the wrong advice?
What if, because of me, everything is ruined?
What would I do then if the reason you were hurting
was because of me?
What would I do then