Saturday, August 29, 2009

maybe...

maybe i had a list
maybe i considered it
maybe i did

maybe i didn't.

maybe i realised that it wasn't for me
maybe i realised i want more than that can give me
maybe i realised i wouldn't be strong enough anyway

maybe i realised i didn't want it enough to go through what you did

maybe, baby

No body realises

how observant i am.

i don't usually say much...just sit in the corner so to speak, and watch.
i watch and i listen.
i pick up on things i shouldn't
i see things i wish i didn't
but all the while
no body realises
how observant i am.

i see you. whether you actually realise, or whether it is noticable or not, i see it.
no body realises, but i know you well. i know your body language, your facial expressions, everything. both of you. and i know. i see you. and i watch and i wait.

no body realises how much i care for you
no body realises how much you mean to me
no body realises how hard it is for me to see you in pain
no body realises that when you try to hide your pain, i still see it
no body realises how painful their words can be
no body realises that it's none of their business
no body realises
no body realises

no body realises how observant i am.
you say that your friends know more than you want them to, more than they should.
i am one of them.
because no body realises how observant i am.
no body realises what i have the potential to know.

no body realises that there is no point in hiding anything from me, because i am only going to find out in the end. it's only a matter of time.
no body realises me

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Disappointement

i completed the 40 hr famine on sunday.
i was quite dissapointed in myself.
why?
well, in 40 hrs i consumed 5 barley sugars and about 2 litres of water
no, i didn't cheat.

no, the reason i was disappointed was that the 40hr fmaine is supposed to be a challenge, something you struggle to do. something you consider giving up on.
though i thought of food adnd would have liked some, i wasn't hungry.i wasn't sitting there brooding about the Etheopian children. no, i was out enjoying myself because
a) i wasn't actually hungry
and b) i knew at the end i would have food waiting for me anyway.

IT WASN'T A CHALLENGE

the 40hr famine should be something that requires complete self-control and dicipline, great will power and be a major challenge.
next year? definately
only next year i am going to suffer like an etheopia child.
no food
limited water
no furnature
no electricity
no human contact

next year i plan to have 40 hrs of no talking, no emailing, no light, no tv, i will use only 2 buckets of water in the 2 days.

i will suffer and i will stick it out.
and only then will i begin to realise how good i have it.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
I ACTUALLY CANNOT BELIEVE THE THINGS YOU SAY.
WHY DON'T YOU READ YOUR BLOG YOURSELF AND REALISE THAT HALF THE STUFF YOU ARE TRYING TO PIN ON HER IS ACTUALLY YOU
YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
YOU ARE TOO SELF ABSORBED, TOO FOCUSED ON WHAT MATTERS TO YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I THOUGHT OF YOU AS A FRIEND.
YOU ARE THE FURTHEREST THING FROM IT.

I JUST DON'T GET WHERE YOU GET OFF BLAMING HER FOR YOUR MISTAKES.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD, ALWAYS HAVE TO ENSURE THAT NO ONE SEES YOU AS THE BAD GUY
WELL GUESS WHAT?
ITS NOT WORKING
you are pathetic

you make me ME

i don't know if you know.
but everytime i am with you, i feel a sense of calmness.
i don't feel the pressure to be anything i'm not, to put my guard up.
when i am with you, there is something about you that makes me ME again.
i no longer feel self concious, nervous or quiet and shy. with you i am more lively, confident and HAPPY. you make me YOU, and i think that is one of the best ways to be.

on saturday to begin with i was self concious about what i was wearing, how i was acting, but you just make me calm. i was making conversation and jokes with people i hardly knew. i was totally comfortable and not afraid to say or do anything, because i no longer cared what other people thought, i was happy. for the first time in a very long time, i let go.
i always thought that i would never get a guy to even look at me, yet when i let go, when i stopped caring, i found that maybe, just maybe someone might like what they see in me.
i know it was just a dance and guys dance with girls all over the place, but to have someone want to dance with me, particularly with you standing next to me, gave me the confidence and self esteem i need. i have developed the confidence, over the last couple of months to be me, to let go and suddenlt the world is a more inviting place.
i don't know that i am ready for the world yet, and i don't know that i want to be, but i know that with you there, i am more me, and i like who i am.

so thank you for making me ME. i am glad she has found her way out, and i look forward to having some fun with her.

love you always

oh sweetie...

i just read your blog.
it almost made me cry!
you are the most adorable, cutest, sweetest most sensitive person i know and i love you.
i won't leave you again, dearest wifey,
and you should know that even when i'm not there physically, i am always there in your heart.
love you more than i can say,
your hubby.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

i never realised

have you ever thought about how much of your day you spend related to food?

how much of your week?

between cooking, shopping and eating, the average person would spend close to 19 hours a week doing something with food.

and that's just actualy doing something with it.

do you know how much time you spend THINKING about food?

i was doing the 40hr famine and i never realised how much i thought about food. i was doing homework and i wondered why i was getting restless and i realised that i normally have a break and go and eat something, but i was famining so i didn't stop!!!

i kept going to the cupboard when i got bored, then realising that i couldn't eat, then realising what a fattie i was, wanting to eat cuz i was bored!!!

twas an interesting and enlightening experience

SUCCESS!!!

guess who finished their maths assignment
even though she stayed up till 1am tuesday night 'finishing' it
ME
guess who finished her Physics Background
even though she procrastinated and put it off and took 2hours to write 300 words
ME!

i feel such a sense of achievemt that i let myself have a break.
life is good.

im on a roll

15 and a half hours down and im not even hungary! *touch wood*
i feel...normal...i usually do this on weekends! lol
only one barley sugar so far...and antelope? they're not having any 'laxative' effects on me!!! lol

marist tonight!
can't wait, havent been to one in like a year!
i will get to see my new-found male friends!
well...two of them, then again, i only have 4!!! lol me
i need to get out more...

BUT FISRT!

to finish maths assignment...groan

i think i have failed you...

i promised to be there for you
but havent been.
i told myself that you were one of the only people who i would be there for no matter what.
i told that to other people too,
yet still,
i have failed you.

i can see that you are slowly falling apart, breaking away piece by piece.
i want to do something to help,
to pull you into my arms,
stroke your hair,
whisper nonesense calming words in your ear,
and make it all go away.

but i failed you.

over the last few months i have tried marginally to comfort you, to help you
but not enough.
you deserve more.

from now on you will know that i care, i will prove it to you.
you will know that even though you may not want me to be, i will be here, waiting.
you will know that you can let your guard down for me, i won't care, i will just listen and try my best to make it better.

i am sorry for not paying you better attention
i am sorry for believing, or making myself believe the mask
i am sorry for thinking you were ok, when i really knew you werent
i am truly, deeply and totally sorry for not being there for you
but from now on i will be
i promise.

though there are others who expect you to be super woman, to give back what they put in,
you should know that you don't have to do that for me.
i have always felt some major responsibility to protect you, to be the mother lioness protecting her cubs.
i don't care that you go with the others, when you come back, if you come back, i will be waiting.

i love you and i will try to make it up to you.
i won't fail you again

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Things I learnt at a semi/post...

i forgot to post this!

1. it is possible to dance for more than 3 hours straight.

2. Mr Baker and Ms Ragonissi can get 'down and giggy with it'

3. Brad doesn't like my rack...lol

4. Brad thinks i am easily offended - he apologised about 80 times!

5. There wasn't a lot of point of supervision, they miss most of the good stuff (note i said most there, erin!)

6. Gabe fails at scissors, paper, rock

7. it is possible to not eat for 11 hours and still not be hungry (bring on the 40hr famine!)

8. Connor is AWESOME...but very shy and insecure...

9. Ryan is better than i am at pool

10. i can't play pool at 12:30 in the morning

Friday, August 14, 2009

Woe is me

what is today?
the semi
what have i spent the morning doing?
the usual 'getting ready' kind of stuff
what am i about to do?
MY BIG FAT STUPID MATHS ASSIGNMENT WHICH I AM THIS CLOSE [HOLDS FINGERS 1MM APART] FROM BURNING WITH A DOUBLRE CONVEX LENS!
NOT HAPPY JAN!

what is this world coming to?

Thursday, August 13, 2009

emotions mirror

you were happy today.
so i was happy.

i don't like it when you're depressed, because, like you, i also remember.
that was a bad time, and though i know it is very VERY unlikely to happen,
i fear that you will go back to that place.
and that's a place i don't want you to be.

i didn't get to say properly the other night what i wanted, i didn't process it properly until the morning, but i must say that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
you don't need to feel weak or guilty for having an off day, we all have them, and sometimes it does get too much. don't be afraid to rant to me and get anything off your chest, i am here, any hour of the day or night.
i will love you always, and i will be here always.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Do you know what i love?

Ethics and Morals debates/old people getting up their nose at stuff

such as
Death Penalty (i actually wrote a paper on it!)
Abortion
Homosexuality

most of the time, these arguments are carried out with my grangmother (love you nanna!). (lol i meant grandmother, not grangmother, but i kept it in so you could laugh at my expense)
i am the only person in our family that has a chance at arguing with her, but she is so stubborn and single minded (in a good way) that even i don't stand a chance

i have gotten to the stage with her where it is a yelling match, and though my arguments are well thought out and possibly right, i just give up for the sake of peace and quiet.

so.
i am looking forward to year 12 SOR for the ethics topic so i can rant and rave about abortion! thanks ms hess, you've got me fired up already!

i am on the 'FOR' side of the argument.
those who went to the gifted and talented conference, i am not as blunt to say that it is ok because it is an 'unwanted visitor', but i am a very 'best interests of the child' type person...im a divorced kid, its all you hear about during custody aragements lol

so my beliefs are that if the child is unwanted (no matter how bad that sounds) and that means that the mother won't be as keen to take proper care of the child, then it is ok.
if the child is going to have a disability that will affect the child's quality of life, then i say yes
if the child is a rape child and the mother cannot bear to keep it, then i think it's fine.
if the child is going to be born into poverty or close enough, then abortion is acceptable.
if the mother/father is unfit to care for the child, or they are alcoholics etc and the child could get hurt, then it is acceptable.

would i get an abortion?
no.

i know its one thing to say that they are ok, and then say i wouldn't have one, but i have very different reasonings.
i know what it does to a family to lose a child.
it takes years to recover, if you ever do.
so would i put myself through that if i had another choice? selfishly i think that i would keep the child and try my hardest to provide for it, rather than put myself through that level of grief.
i would like to think that i am the sort of person who would say 'it doesn't matter what i go through, if the child isn't going to have a good life, then don't bring it into the world' but i don't think i could
that is one of my worse traits, im selfish, all too often.

but if i found out one of my friends were pregnant, or later down the track, my kids, i would support them all the way, no matter what they chose, and no matter what i had to sacrifice.

this was an interesting blog... i really do like ethical/'old people hate this' debates. don't get me started on gay rights!

I've Decided...or rather i've decided not to decide

I have recently realised how much time i have spent stressing over pointless things.
namely, what im going to do when i 'grow up', if that ever happens...
and i've decided, WHY CHOOSE NOW! im only going to spend all this time worrying about what im going to do, and how im going to do it, without appreciating what is right in front of me.
i have an awesome life at the moment, no matter if occasionally i forget that.
i have an AMAZING circle of friends
i am slowly gaining guy-friends
i have good grades
i can juggle work and school
im going to america

so I've decided that from now on, you will see the more positive me, the happier, content-er, overall grateful (most of the time) me.

i hope you enjoy her

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Leadership

we had a leadership day today, and i think i have realised what makes a good leader...
the day didn't contribute, but i think i just had an idea

people say that courage is the absence of fear, sam mentioned it today, but straight away i though, hang on no. courage isn't the absence of fear, courage is realising fear, embracing and acknowledging it, and persevering anyway.

i think leadership has a simlar concept.

leadership isn't people who are great at standing out in front of crowds, or good speakers, or particularly respected people. no, the greatest leaders are the ones who can honestly say to themselves, "look, i realise i'm not the best person for this job, but i'll have a crack anyway."
leaders are better if they think they can't do it, becuase it will only make them try that bit harder to prove themselves, whereas the others will be so caught up in their self confidence that they won't stop to realise that they are doing a shocking job.

if you can realise that you wouldn't make a good leader, or that someone else could do it better, then you are the perfect one for the job.
if you know that this isn't what you were cut out for, then it is the job for you...

like in a desperate housewives episode i saw a segment of recently, a 6 year old wanted to make up, and her mother told her she couldn't. when the daughter asked when she was allowed to wear the make up, her mother replied, " the day you realise that you don't need make up, is the day that you can start wearing it."
the day you realise that you aren't a leader, is the day you start being one.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

thought i'd get in there before erin

should be doing homework...but this is very funny...

football games on saturday night (i think, might have been friday)

Cowboys slaughtered the titans....something like 26-0 at half time

Broncos...SHAMEFUL GAME OF FOOTBALL!

at full time guess what the score was
my guesses were
32...no, higher
42...no, higher
52...no, higher

56 points...to NIL!!!
against the raiders, who are currently like 3rd from the bottom of the ladder!

RIDICULOUS!

whoops!

this was a really sweet email that i got, but i think this kinda ruined it...

most angles i know of don't have wings, but i must say i don't call right-angles friends...perhaps Mr Wagner does???