I feel the need to blog something of substantiality

So here goes
I am sick of pressure.
Being in year 12, I was expecting some more pressure, more expectations, but I didn't expect it to be too much.
If I had $10 for every time I have been told in the last 4 weeks that I shouldn't work more than 10 hours a week, a could nearly buy a house.
SERIOUSLY!
We know that we shouldn't work that much, but there are other PRESSURES on us that are forcing us to work right up to, if not over that limit.
I, currently am saving to go overseas.
Plane trips and accomodation are expensive
Thus, I need my job
But I am being told my Ms sexy/chocolate/hairy armpits that I need to work less
I am being told by my mum that I need to work less
I am being told by Mr McDonald that I need to work less
and that damned Steve McCabe
seriously, if I bought a house with all that money, he would have contributed to at least half.
All of a sudden, just because this year has started, it's like there is nothing more important that QCS and OPs and I am plain sick of it.
I want to take off the pressure, I want to not work so hard, I want to go out and have fun, I want to enjoy my youth while I can, but I don't think I can bring myself to stop trying so hard.
Because she is so proud of me.
She is so, so, so proud of me.
Just for trying.
She never got this far, so she doesn't know what it's like,
To her, OP is everything
She doesn't understand why I would want to take off the pressure and use the back door
I swear, everyone she talks to knows what Uni course I want to do next year
and what OP I am aiming for
And she thinks I'm good enough,
And I wish I were
But the fact of the matter is that I'm not.
But I'm going to try my hardest, for her.
For her, I am going to do the UMAT, and work harder in my subjects
For her, I am going to ace the QCS and get into my course with a scholarship
Because for me, she has done everything
And I owe her this.
She tells me that he may have started me off, he may have made me the way I am, but that I don't have to be this way.
She tells me that she doens't care if I finish school and become a checkout-chick
She tells me that I don't need to do this for him, that I don't owe him anything, that doing it for him would be doing it for the wrong reason
And she's right
But what she doesn't realise is that instead I'm going to do it for her. Because where he started me off, she finished. Where he taught me that only the best was good enough, she told me that my best was good enough. Where she thinks I'm doing it for him, I'm doing it for her.
Because when he left, he lost one thing he never expected.
He lost me.
And she gained me.
So this I am doing for her.

I love my mum

Recently, my mum's boss has had a baby, and the other lady who works with mum has been really sick, so mum has been basically running the business.
She has been working full-time; long hours everyday.
So I have been helping out with the cooking and cleaning and washing etc, cuz otherwise I sit on the couch and watch my butt grow.
But she got me a present! I was so sweet, I wasn't expecting it at all!
So I now officially own series 4 of Grey's Anatomy!
I was lying in bed watching them last night, laughing to myself.
It was quite sad really!XD

So in conclusion, I love my mum

i think i have failed you...

i promised to be there for you
but havent been.
i told myself that you were one of the only people who i would be there for no matter what.
i told that to other people too,
yet still,
i have failed you.

i can see that you are slowly falling apart, breaking away piece by piece.
i want to do something to help,
to pull you into my arms,
stroke your hair,
whisper nonesense calming words in your ear,
and make it all go away.

but i failed you.

over the last few months i have tried marginally to comfort you, to help you
but not enough.
you deserve more.

from now on you will know that i care, i will prove it to you.
you will know that even though you may not want me to be, i will be here, waiting.
you will know that you can let your guard down for me, i won't care, i will just listen and try my best to make it better.

i am sorry for not paying you better attention
i am sorry for believing, or making myself believe the mask
i am sorry for thinking you were ok, when i really knew you werent
i am truly, deeply and totally sorry for not being there for you
but from now on i will be
i promise.

though there are others who expect you to be super woman, to give back what they put in,
you should know that you don't have to do that for me.
i have always felt some major responsibility to protect you, to be the mother lioness protecting her cubs.
i don't care that you go with the others, when you come back, if you come back, i will be waiting.

i love you and i will try to make it up to you.
i won't fail you again

My Love

i have discovered that i am a very wary person
not in everyday life, though i am a careful person
but i am wary with my love
i am slow to give it away, and only in small portions
because i am afraid that if i give away and lose too much,
there will be no more left to give

i rarely tell people i love them
even family
because to me,
each time you say the words,
they mean a little less
if you use them sparingly,
there may be enough to get you through a life time
but if you use them up,
no matter how often you say you love someone,
there is no love left,
just empty words
as much as i believe in the power of the words
'i love you'
i agree with Snow Patrol
'those three words are said too much, they're not enough'
i believe in showing that you love someone
not telling them
i will tell people i love them
but if you know me well enought,
you will be able to tell the difference between my
'i love you, you're a great person'
and
'i love you, from the bottom of my heart, there would be no point in life without you'

if you count the 'i love you's' you have recieved,
don't count the first one
count the second type,
depending on the type of person you are,
there won't be many
and i feel guilty
because there are people who i love
really and truly,
but i can't bring myself to give them the second type of 'i love you'
i think i gave too many of those away
and got too little of them back
and i know that if there are too many more that go missing
there won't be any left

but there are always people who know the difference between my 'i love you's'
and they do the same
there is a difference in tone and emotion between the
'surface' i love you
and the 'deep, from the bottom of my heart' i love you
i appreciate the deep ones,
though there are few people who give them away
maybe they too, are afraid to give too many away

so you should count yourself lucky,
and one of a kind if you recieve my love
because you obviously have done something to deserve it

i don't give love away to anyone,
only those i love
and i think that it is more powerful to reciece one true 'i love you'
rather than thousands of off-handed, response 'i only said it cuz i had to' i love you's

Fears

people are endlessly saying they are afraid of stuff.
Afraid of clowns, toads, the boogie man, my sister.
but the thing about fear is that the way we percieve it is wrong.

you are not actually scared of sharks.
you are scared of what the shark might possibly do to you

you are not afraid of falling off a cliff,
if any of you have read twilight, you would know that it could actually be an exhilarating experience.
No, you are afraid of what might happen when you get to the bottom of the cliff.

you are not afraid of telling the truth,
you are afraid of what may result in revealing your true feelings

you are not afraid of falling in love,
you are afraid of what happens when you fall out of it