I'm ready

I've been waiting 4 years for this.
Four years ago, as a small little 12 year old I sat in a massive hall full of people
and heard stories about the big girls, the ones who went on this camp
at first I was confused, there were so many things going on I didn't know one camp from the other
but once I heard them talk, once I saw the photos, the videos
I was intrigued, I was captivated by the thought of this camp.
I decided then and there that I was going to go.
I promised myself that if there was one thing that I did in those 5 years, it would be this camp.
When the nominations came around I was quick to put my form in.
I was so keen to go, yet so afraid I would be told that I wasn't good enough
When I got that letter, there were no words to describe my joy
No words.
But then you didn't, and I felt bad for being happy
I've had small sneaky bursts of excitement, but nothing major
I've been preparing for this for 4 years
and I'm ready
I'm ready for whatever this child has to throw at me
I'm ready for tantrums, abuse, anger, no sleep
I knew what I was signing up for, and I'm ready.
I know you can't go
and I know you hate that, I hate it too
But I'm sorry, I have to be happy
Because this is going to be the best experience of my life
I've been preparing and waiting for this for 4 years!
For those who are going, we're going to be in for a long weekend :)
But we were picked for a reason
No matter what happens, don't be scared, don't be worried
We'll be fine, we'll be good enough
We'll have the experience of our lives.

I wasn't there

I was angry at you for something.
Now I can't remember what it actually was, but I started to ignore you
I forgot about you
Forgot that you might need me
That I should be caring for you, too.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't there
And I should have been, but I wasn't and I can't take that back now.
We've all said and done things we wish we hadn't, and none of us can take that back.
So let's start afresh, start over and forget what's been said and done.
Not just you, but all of you.
Everyone.
Let's stop, forget and start over.
Because we are about to enter the biggest year of our life,
Everything we do next year will determine what we will be able to do in the years to come
So why enter it with grudges,
Why enter the most amazing year of our lives without the friends that we hold most dear.
So I propose a new begining.
No prejudices, No Silent treatment, No Ignoring, No forgetting.
Start completely over.

Hi, I'm Tianna. Want to be friends?

i think i owe you all an apology

sorry. i ranted. i was selfish. i shouldn't have posted that.

but do you ever get that way sometimes? so caught up...not really caught up, but so ...i don't know. but achievement for me is like maya in hinduism. it is like a veil that i must try to remove. not remove achievement as such, but my need to succeed. i suppose that is a good thing sometimes, but its not good when you go all crazy like i did.

i know i can be selfish, but i spent so much of the early part of my life constantly trying to please people, to the point where if i wasn't the best, i felt as if i was a failure to my family, that it is so hard to break the habit now. thats why i cant leave things to the last minute, i can't just conceed with a B, because i know i can do better, so i force myself to do that. its not too healthy but i am trying to get myself out of that.

but yes, selfishly i am the sort of person who wants to be great at something. i have spent my life being so average at everything, and watching everyone else show off what they are great at. i will never be naturally great at something, but i will work until i make myself great at something. i havent decided what that something is, but when i decide, there will be no stopping me.

oh and antelope? im sorry, but i do get very competitive with you. i will beat you at something significant, more than talking or boob size...just you watch me! i would love it to be maths...but i can't see that happening...i will try though!