I'm screwed

I thought I was ok
I thought I was coping
I can see the pictures, listen to the songs and cope
I lasted nearly a week. I coped for a good few days but then it all came crashing down
What do I do. tell me, what the fuck do I do
Because I'm not letting go. I refuse.
But I can't go on like this. Daily melt-downs, yeh that's the life, I can do that for 6 whole months
the worst part is knowing that nothing's changed
the worst part is knowing that nothing would be different if you lived here
And the hardest part is pretending that I'm fine
Putting on a smile
have my family joke about how I managed to survive 2 weeks without my boyfriend.
Well he's not my boyfriend, but I don't know how I survived anyway
I was actually worse off
At least you knew you had someone to go to
Someone who was with you despite the costs
That's the only thing I regret about this, is that he's not willing to try at least
And again, the hardest part is that I completely understand why
I cannot blame him
I cannot fault him in anyway
So I sit
and I wish for another 20 minute hug or foetal position hug
But I can't get that now
So I'm on my own
And finally my tear ducts work
But I don't know how to do this. How to have a casual conversation with you and not talk to you the way I want to. How do I not call you and talk for hours. How do I not stay up for hours texting. How do I not?
I'm in way over my head
I'm screwed