I was just thinking the other day, how much i know you.
there isn't a lot i know of the inside of you, because you are very reluctant to let people in, but i know you.
I know your cough
I know your scent
I know who your first kiss was with
I know you had a dog until year 7
I know numerous things about your family, their jobs/ages/birthdays
I know all of your grades
I know your profile - if i see you from a distance i know its you
I know your voice, i can pick it from a choir of 50
I know where you live
I know you used to share a room with your sister
I know your writting
I know how you like to set out your pages at school
I know your bra size, incorrect though it may be
I know when you are upset, despite what you tell me
I know what you are thinking most of the time, and when i guess, i am nearly always right
I know when you're depressed... like now for instance
I KNOW YOU
thats why im concerned. i think i know what you have been thinking about these last few weeks. i know you, and i am afraid for you, if what i am thinking is right. i know what you feel, i know why you feel it. I just wish i could help you...i try all i can, but you won't let me in.
please let me in.
i need to fix you
If i can't, i don't know what I'll do
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I don't know what to do...
i could hardly bear to look at you last night
i couldn't let myslef see you that way.
i could clearly see the pain etched in your face, and the pain slowly etched itself in my face too.
i could see the hurt in your eyes; the never ending stab wounds in the stomache, and my eyes too, reflected your hurt.
i could hardly bear to look at you tonight.
So I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry i let i get this bad.
Im sorry i focussed so much on myself when i should have been focussing on you.
I'm sorry i wasn't being the person i was supposed to be; the one you can turn to in all situations, no matter what.
I'M SORRY I CAN'T FIX YOU
i love you with all my heart, but sometimes, and i know this better than anyone, it isn't enough.
if i could take this away; your pain, your suffering,
i would in a heartbeat
if i could take it from you, and carry your burdens for you,
i would in a heartbeat
IF I KNEW HOW TO FIX YOU, I WOULD IN A HEART BEAT
but the fact of the matter is, i can't take it from you. i can't carry it for you and up until this point, i am yet to figure you how to fix you.
So i'm Sorry.
I'm sorry my love for you doesn't take your pain away, or pout you back together again.
Maybe i don't love you enough
Maybe too much
but right now, i can't fix you
So i'm sorry
As i held you in my arms tonight i couldn't tear my eyes away from your chest. i wouldn't let myself look away from the rise and fall of you ribs with each breath.
watching you breathe, slowly in and out and gently stroking you it occurred to me that my love for you is the same love a mother has for her child.
As i watched you exhale, i begged for you to have the strength, the willpower for just one more breath, just one other, only one more. As once you did, i prayed again, for the same thing. I sat there seriously contemplating pulling you into my lap, stroking your hair and rocking you back and forth, just like you mother would have when you were a child. You needed me and i needed to know that i was strong enough, good enough to help you.
So i sat there, stroking you so gently i don't think you even noticed, watching you breathe, ready at any moment to breathe for you, if you could no longer do it yourself.
I don't know how much longer i can watch you go on like this. but what ever happens, know that always, i will be there. to watch you breathe, to make sure each breath makes it in and out safely, all the while waiting to step in and do it for you if you can't.
You should know, that if ever you feel it is too much effort, it takes too much strength to breathe, i will be there to breathe for you. Always.
Just don't ever stop. My life would have no point, without you. when i needed you, you breathed for me. Now I'm ready to do the same thing.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT'S UNHEALTHY.
i couldn't let myslef see you that way.
i could clearly see the pain etched in your face, and the pain slowly etched itself in my face too.
i could see the hurt in your eyes; the never ending stab wounds in the stomache, and my eyes too, reflected your hurt.
i could hardly bear to look at you tonight.
So I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry i let i get this bad.
Im sorry i focussed so much on myself when i should have been focussing on you.
I'm sorry i wasn't being the person i was supposed to be; the one you can turn to in all situations, no matter what.
I'M SORRY I CAN'T FIX YOU
i love you with all my heart, but sometimes, and i know this better than anyone, it isn't enough.
if i could take this away; your pain, your suffering,
i would in a heartbeat
if i could take it from you, and carry your burdens for you,
i would in a heartbeat
IF I KNEW HOW TO FIX YOU, I WOULD IN A HEART BEAT
but the fact of the matter is, i can't take it from you. i can't carry it for you and up until this point, i am yet to figure you how to fix you.
So i'm Sorry.
I'm sorry my love for you doesn't take your pain away, or pout you back together again.
Maybe i don't love you enough
Maybe too much
but right now, i can't fix you
So i'm sorry
As i held you in my arms tonight i couldn't tear my eyes away from your chest. i wouldn't let myself look away from the rise and fall of you ribs with each breath.
watching you breathe, slowly in and out and gently stroking you it occurred to me that my love for you is the same love a mother has for her child.
As i watched you exhale, i begged for you to have the strength, the willpower for just one more breath, just one other, only one more. As once you did, i prayed again, for the same thing. I sat there seriously contemplating pulling you into my lap, stroking your hair and rocking you back and forth, just like you mother would have when you were a child. You needed me and i needed to know that i was strong enough, good enough to help you.
So i sat there, stroking you so gently i don't think you even noticed, watching you breathe, ready at any moment to breathe for you, if you could no longer do it yourself.
I don't know how much longer i can watch you go on like this. but what ever happens, know that always, i will be there. to watch you breathe, to make sure each breath makes it in and out safely, all the while waiting to step in and do it for you if you can't.
You should know, that if ever you feel it is too much effort, it takes too much strength to breathe, i will be there to breathe for you. Always.
Just don't ever stop. My life would have no point, without you. when i needed you, you breathed for me. Now I'm ready to do the same thing.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT'S UNHEALTHY.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I'm sorry
i just realised it has been about a year since our fight.
i am truly sorry about that.
i don't know what it is with this time of year, but the girls seem to go psycho
so, because i haven't yet, i want to formally apologise.
i know i hurt you,
and i know it was bad
i was hurting too
but i realised just yesterday how far our friendship has come in the last year.
there was a time where it was sort of off again, on again, but now i feel it is definately on.
i don't know why, but now, i seem to value your friendship more than before i lost it.
so thankyou, for coming back and welcoming me back into your life
i probably don't deserve it,
so thankyou anyway
i will always have a special place for you in my heart.
my little blondie
i am truly sorry about that.
i don't know what it is with this time of year, but the girls seem to go psycho
so, because i haven't yet, i want to formally apologise.
i know i hurt you,
and i know it was bad
i was hurting too
but i realised just yesterday how far our friendship has come in the last year.
there was a time where it was sort of off again, on again, but now i feel it is definately on.
i don't know why, but now, i seem to value your friendship more than before i lost it.
so thankyou, for coming back and welcoming me back into your life
i probably don't deserve it,
so thankyou anyway
i will always have a special place for you in my heart.
my little blondie
This has got to stop
the yelling
the fighting
the behaviour of us all
it is not acceptable for us to go like this.
no one should go around calling people childish
no one should go around saying they hate each other
i don't agree with what was said by either parties, but im not going to take sides.
im going to protect my friends in all directions, and try not to get involved.
but this has got to stop.
it cannot go on anymore.
we have more important things to think about,
it ends here.
the situation that has taken place in the last few days finished now.
no more talking about it
no more telling people about it.
things were said, they were taken back
end of story
i don't want to hear about it again, because i cannot handle any more crisis in our group.
so for the sake of ourselves, our friends and the group on a whole
THIS ENDS HERE
the fighting
the behaviour of us all
it is not acceptable for us to go like this.
no one should go around calling people childish
no one should go around saying they hate each other
i don't agree with what was said by either parties, but im not going to take sides.
im going to protect my friends in all directions, and try not to get involved.
but this has got to stop.
it cannot go on anymore.
we have more important things to think about,
it ends here.
the situation that has taken place in the last few days finished now.
no more talking about it
no more telling people about it.
things were said, they were taken back
end of story
i don't want to hear about it again, because i cannot handle any more crisis in our group.
so for the sake of ourselves, our friends and the group on a whole
THIS ENDS HERE
Monday, September 7, 2009
i think i owe you all an apology
sorry. i ranted. i was selfish. i shouldn't have posted that.
but do you ever get that way sometimes? so caught up...not really caught up, but so ...i don't know. but achievement for me is like maya in hinduism. it is like a veil that i must try to remove. not remove achievement as such, but my need to succeed. i suppose that is a good thing sometimes, but its not good when you go all crazy like i did.
i know i can be selfish, but i spent so much of the early part of my life constantly trying to please people, to the point where if i wasn't the best, i felt as if i was a failure to my family, that it is so hard to break the habit now. thats why i cant leave things to the last minute, i can't just conceed with a B, because i know i can do better, so i force myself to do that. its not too healthy but i am trying to get myself out of that.
but yes, selfishly i am the sort of person who wants to be great at something. i have spent my life being so average at everything, and watching everyone else show off what they are great at. i will never be naturally great at something, but i will work until i make myself great at something. i havent decided what that something is, but when i decide, there will be no stopping me.
oh and antelope? im sorry, but i do get very competitive with you. i will beat you at something significant, more than talking or boob size...just you watch me! i would love it to be maths...but i can't see that happening...i will try though!
but do you ever get that way sometimes? so caught up...not really caught up, but so ...i don't know. but achievement for me is like maya in hinduism. it is like a veil that i must try to remove. not remove achievement as such, but my need to succeed. i suppose that is a good thing sometimes, but its not good when you go all crazy like i did.
i know i can be selfish, but i spent so much of the early part of my life constantly trying to please people, to the point where if i wasn't the best, i felt as if i was a failure to my family, that it is so hard to break the habit now. thats why i cant leave things to the last minute, i can't just conceed with a B, because i know i can do better, so i force myself to do that. its not too healthy but i am trying to get myself out of that.
but yes, selfishly i am the sort of person who wants to be great at something. i have spent my life being so average at everything, and watching everyone else show off what they are great at. i will never be naturally great at something, but i will work until i make myself great at something. i havent decided what that something is, but when i decide, there will be no stopping me.
oh and antelope? im sorry, but i do get very competitive with you. i will beat you at something significant, more than talking or boob size...just you watch me! i would love it to be maths...but i can't see that happening...i will try though!
now i see why y'all do it
i went for a run.
it was tiny by the standards of any of you who read my blog, im sure, but i felt good.
i was walking home from the bus today and i though 'hey, im going to go for a walk'
so i did.
i don't walk very fast
i don't walk very far
but the point is, i made myself do it, and now i feel great.
t'was a major epiphany moment for me...damn i couldn't have taken chem with me and wrote it! i would have figured it all out.
no, i found that if i tell myself i have to do something, if i tell myself i want it bad enough, i know i will have the will power to follow through.
i have some goals. i will achieve them. i will become what i want to be, even if i have to take the long way around.
goals for the end of 2010
i will beat ashlee in physics
i will get an A+ in maths
i will get in the 'a' range for italian
i will move up three spaces in each chem, english and sor
i will become more out-going
i will beat kristy in english (sorry, but look out. i will get there)
i will train in the cross country and athletics
i will get below 60 kilos
things i would really like to do and will try like hell to achieve
i would like to dux a subject
i would like to be level with kristy in physics and maths
i would like to get on the athletics/cross country team
i would like to be able to sing well on my own
i would like to be school capitan
why do i want these things?
selfish though it may be, i want to be remembered.
i want there to be a girl in 15 years come to the school with my last name and be asked if they are related to be, becuase in 15 years, the teachers still remember my intelligence, or some aspect of me. i want to be the person who is renound for conducting a procedure in medicine, i want to have people ask me things, i want to be the top or the best at something
I WANT TO MAKE MY MARK ON THIS WORLD
because i believe that there is more to life then what we live on earth. after that i'm not sure, but i want to ensure that whenever and where ever i go, i will be remembered. i don't want to be the person in the dusty photograph who is truly dead because no one alive knows my name.
is that too much to ask?
to be remembered, to be recognised for something other than just being?
of all the things that i can do, is it fair for me to not be remembered for a single one of them?
is it fair that out of all the things i can do, there are about three that i can do better than one person?
no, i suppose it's not fair. but that's life
it was tiny by the standards of any of you who read my blog, im sure, but i felt good.
i was walking home from the bus today and i though 'hey, im going to go for a walk'
so i did.
i don't walk very fast
i don't walk very far
but the point is, i made myself do it, and now i feel great.
t'was a major epiphany moment for me...damn i couldn't have taken chem with me and wrote it! i would have figured it all out.
no, i found that if i tell myself i have to do something, if i tell myself i want it bad enough, i know i will have the will power to follow through.
i have some goals. i will achieve them. i will become what i want to be, even if i have to take the long way around.
goals for the end of 2010
i will beat ashlee in physics
i will get an A+ in maths
i will get in the 'a' range for italian
i will move up three spaces in each chem, english and sor
i will become more out-going
i will beat kristy in english (sorry, but look out. i will get there)
i will train in the cross country and athletics
i will get below 60 kilos
things i would really like to do and will try like hell to achieve
i would like to dux a subject
i would like to be level with kristy in physics and maths
i would like to get on the athletics/cross country team
i would like to be able to sing well on my own
i would like to be school capitan
why do i want these things?
selfish though it may be, i want to be remembered.
i want there to be a girl in 15 years come to the school with my last name and be asked if they are related to be, becuase in 15 years, the teachers still remember my intelligence, or some aspect of me. i want to be the person who is renound for conducting a procedure in medicine, i want to have people ask me things, i want to be the top or the best at something
I WANT TO MAKE MY MARK ON THIS WORLD
because i believe that there is more to life then what we live on earth. after that i'm not sure, but i want to ensure that whenever and where ever i go, i will be remembered. i don't want to be the person in the dusty photograph who is truly dead because no one alive knows my name.
is that too much to ask?
to be remembered, to be recognised for something other than just being?
of all the things that i can do, is it fair for me to not be remembered for a single one of them?
is it fair that out of all the things i can do, there are about three that i can do better than one person?
no, i suppose it's not fair. but that's life
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