sometimes i think...

what's the point?
is there a reason we do this.
is there an absolute necesesity that we push ourselves like this.
is it absolutely vital that i put myself under this amount of pressure, seemingly for nothing?
no its not.
but i willingly do it anyway.
there are so many times where i am this close to giving up, but somehow, i don't.
i always seem to find a way through it a way to endure.
i find mostly, when i am close to giving up, when i can no longer sleep at night for worry, when i am wound so tight that i start snapping at people for no reason, when i seriously consider leaving school, just so it can all end; i see something that inspires me.
sometimes it is something that someone says to me, but rarely (soz but words don't do much for me when i want to give up). no, what gets me is seeing a baby. or watching some medical show and seeing the before an after, seeing the woman who was blind see again, see a man get a lung transplant and play with his kids again, see a child get the beads pulled out of their nose for god's sake! but what ever it is that i see, it inspires me. i am propelled to do more. i aspire to be more. because i know that someday, that will be me.
now im not saying that im going to be a transplant surgeon or whatever, but to know that i will be one of them, that all this work, pointless though it may seem, will actully go somewhere, and become something. i will be helping people.
and when you feel as if it is all too much, and feel like giving up, when you realise that maybe you can't change the world, find something to inspire you. find something that you look at or hear and think 'hey yeh. this is worth it. one day i will be something, be someone great.'

i don't expect to change the world, but i sure as hell expect to change many people's worlds.

you don't get it

you are anything BUT a blank canvas.
there is so much beauty, so much substance in everything you do that i don't know how you think that is nothing.
everything you do, and everything you are is full of something. there is no part of you that is full of nothing.
do you hear me?
NO PART!
everything about you; your personality, your actions, your thoughts are so full of something that it is unbelievable.

i know when it feels like you have nothing
when you feel empty, yet so full of the nothing-ness.
you don't have to hide behind it.
i am here, i am there, i will listen
even when you're not fine, i want to be there, i want to help you.
it is my job, as your topaz, to be there all the time.
i will be here, dear wifey, and i will be waiting.
whenever, whatever you need me for, i am here
and promise me you will never again think you are full of nothing
deal?

moshin'

there is nothing better, i have discovered, than a good mosh pit.
before that dance (if it is me you are refering to, and the dance we attended?) i realised i had never been to a dance just the two of us. and i admit i had a BRILLIANT time.
i have never moshed all night.
literally, jumping for 3 and a half hour was something i have always wanted to do but never got around to. and with you, i didn't care that i dance like retard.
i danced like no one was watching...though i think alex had a nice look
i didn't care what people thought of me, and i think that is a real achievement, seeing as i am such a self consious person.
jumping, swaying, getting lost, sweating, getting thirsty, meeting new people, getting hit on, getting stood on, getting pushed, shoved and hit in all directions (including getting bitten on the cheek by you! XD) TWAS AMAZING!
we should do it again sometime!

I don't write to you very often...

i would like to thank you.
you have healed her... i have said before that people are like humpty dumpty, they fall off their wall and it takes another to put them back together and back on the wall. not only have you put her together, but you have helped her back onto the wall.
you have made her happy again. i have never seen her look so happy with someone as i see her with you. she literally lights up, and she looks at you like there is not a thing more important to her in the world. and to her, there isn't.
so on her behalf, on my behalf, and just because,
i would like to thank you.
you have brought her back to life, helped her while she has helped you.
thankyou for taking care of her when i can't
thankyou for listening when i can't
thankyou for helping with things i can't
thankyou.

you have made an honest woman out of her,
happy anniversary
may you have many more.

No body knows

Nobody knows,

nobody knows but me

That I sometimes cry,

if I could pretend that I'm asleep

When my tears start to fall

I peek out from behind these walls

I think nobody knows, nobody knows, no

have you ever cried for no reason?

just laid on your bed and let the tears fall?

have you ever had so much stress, so much emotion,

that the only way for you not to explode,

is to let it out in tears?

do you hold it in,

so that no body knows,

and only let go when you know they aren't watching?

so that they don't have to feel pain with you?

so you don't have to try and explain yourself to them,

you can just cry and wait for it to end?

i love you, but there are some things you just don't need to see...

'I'm lost without you'

me without you is like

bread without butter
mobiles without credit
B1 without B2
the cat without a hat
a bed without sheets
a hardrive without a screen
a violin without strings
the night sky without stars
a car without seatbelts
a toothbrush without toothpaste
a pencil case without pens
a school without kids
alice without her wonderland
TWEEDLE-DEE WITHOUT TWEEDLE-DUMM

without you i am alone, bare and helpless.
incomplete, unfinished
you said that your solution for not ever causing anyone grief is to not die.
i have said that death is not the worst thing that can happen to a person...i agree with that...but it's the worst thing that can happen to their family.
so do me a favour...
stick to your word...
don't die...
don't leave me.

dictionary says...
LOVE
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

that is NOTHING compared to how i feel for you. i have such a sense of protection, and utter...i don't know, there is no word for it, but i promise you, if you were to die tomorrow, i would never stop grieving...never stop thinking about you...and i would never stop loving you...

besides, i'm your husband, i will protect you no matter what, so you won't die...i promise

isn't it odd...

how much easier it is to express anger?
how much more effective anger is, compared to love for example?
how much more of your message can be conveyed through pure hatred?

i was reading a friend's english draft, and she has taken on the roll of a crazy Afrikaana nazi lover who hates the english. when i read the draft, i was blown away. the words she used, and the way she used them made me imaging Sergent Botha yelling at me. i could see the flecks of spit coming from his mouth, and hear his growling voice. i could hear the utter hatred coming from his mouth, only it was coming from these words...maybe she's an amazing writter (she is!) maybe im a good imaginer, but the way the hatred was conveyed was PHENOMENAL

sorry my little friend, i am going to include a bit, so everyone can see how powerful it is.

God had sent Hitler to deliver us from the English bastards who stole our country and killed our people. I was doing my duty. I was eliminating the English. PK deserved to die, and still does. All English had to pay but he got away, free and innocent he escaped with nothing but a bruise to his forehead. Me, I was scared for life.

Once PK is gone, I will find him, my father, and beat him like he did to me so many years ago. He will grovel as I overpower him. Oh! How sweet the revenge will be.

As of tonight, it will all change, for the better. Now I am on top . I have the authority and I will authorize his killing. He is hope for the Africans. With him gone we will rule. He must die. I will hunt him down. He will pay.

don't cross blondie in a dark alleyway!

throughout the world we try desperately to convey love...but it is like swimming against the current. no amount of love in the world will ever make up for the amount of hatred that exists.

so why try and love?

because although it hurts when it's gone, it feels like nothing else while it is in your grasp