i think i owe you all an apology

sorry. i ranted. i was selfish. i shouldn't have posted that.

but do you ever get that way sometimes? so caught up...not really caught up, but so ...i don't know. but achievement for me is like maya in hinduism. it is like a veil that i must try to remove. not remove achievement as such, but my need to succeed. i suppose that is a good thing sometimes, but its not good when you go all crazy like i did.

i know i can be selfish, but i spent so much of the early part of my life constantly trying to please people, to the point where if i wasn't the best, i felt as if i was a failure to my family, that it is so hard to break the habit now. thats why i cant leave things to the last minute, i can't just conceed with a B, because i know i can do better, so i force myself to do that. its not too healthy but i am trying to get myself out of that.

but yes, selfishly i am the sort of person who wants to be great at something. i have spent my life being so average at everything, and watching everyone else show off what they are great at. i will never be naturally great at something, but i will work until i make myself great at something. i havent decided what that something is, but when i decide, there will be no stopping me.

oh and antelope? im sorry, but i do get very competitive with you. i will beat you at something significant, more than talking or boob size...just you watch me! i would love it to be maths...but i can't see that happening...i will try though!