And she said

How long does it last?
The morphine helps during the day, but she can't have it at night. Her days are numb but her nights are filled with the extent of her pain. She wonders how long this can continue for. How long someone can survive like this.
How is it possible that someone can be so tired, they're almost drunk
How is it possible that someone can not care so much that they don't feel at all
How is it possible that someone can smile so convincingly, and lose it all later
How it is possible.
Well let me ask you this.
How is it possible that you don't see.
How is it possible that you don't care.
How is it possible
How did it happen.
Merideth says, how did we get from there to here? When did we become adults? And how do we make it stop?

And the paramedic said

She's climbing up the hill and she's about to fall off






too bad I already did

Fuck you

I need you

'I just want to be wanted'

Last time someone said that to me it fucked up my entire life.
This time I say 'Dude you're wanted. she wants you'
Why didn't I just say that last time?
Oh that's right, I'm a fucking idiot, that's why

For you I will

Don't you see?
No. You don't see.
For you. Everything that I do, practically everything I am is for you
He's gone for you. I didn't need him in my life, but I needed you
So stupidly, I thought I could trade. It seemed to work that way in the past
Lose one, gain one, lose that one, gain the other
But of late I seem to have fallen into this horrible mind set
This arrogant, horrid person who thinks she should get things in life
who believes she 'deserves' things.
The fact of the matter is, I've become a horrible person and I don't like who she is.
I've got to change me if I want to change who wants me in their lives
How do I change who I am if I don't even know how I became who I am

Fairy tales

She glanced outside the bus window and wondered. She wondered where the days, weeks, months and years had gone. How had she gotten from there to here. So many things had happened, she’d had so much to deal with since then. How had she gotten from the little child who needed confirmation for every move she made to this horrible person who no one liked, or respected. She was a compassionate person, she always had been. But now, she just couldn’t care. The more she cared, the more it hurt and the less she could do it. She could no longer put herself through the gruelling process of loving someone. She’d tried that and now look where it had gotten her. Love begets pain, nothing more, nothing less. She had loved; she had really loved. She had given someone all she had, devoted her existence to him. Everything she did, she did for him; to care for him and ensure his ultimate happiness. But she couldn’t let herself love him anymore. She did the one thing she could do to push him away, the one thing to try to stop loving him. But she hadn’t realised how deep her love was. How much she cared for him and needed to ensure his sanity and wellbeing. She had pushed him away; yet couldn’t survive without him. Why couldn’t she love him? Why did she have to push him away? Because of the pain. Because he could leave, he could die, he could drift away. Her life had become a place that she alone had ultimate control over, and she couldn’t bear to lose that control. Chaos wasn’t her strength, orderly ways were her life. She had to take control of this aspect of her life before she cared too much. But it was too late, she was too attached. Like a mother to her child, the connection was there. She couldn’t exist a day without knowing he was okay, that he was surviving and taking care of herself.
She regretted her childhood. She regretted her adolescence. It paved the way for a life of dysfunction and pain, no matter how fixed she appeared. Fixing people was her strength, but she was the one person who was unfixable. Perpetually alone, perpetually emotionless, perpetually anonymous.

Replacements

Nothing in all of this has hurt me in my core but today.
You don't even know, you wouldn't have noticed
But I've been replaced. I knew I had been and today it dawned on me
I hope you know
She isn't good enough to fix you
You need me, and I wish you would just see that
See that nothing else matters, that there IS nothing else
See that, and come home