Fairy tales

She glanced outside the bus window and wondered. She wondered where the days, weeks, months and years had gone. How had she gotten from there to here. So many things had happened, she’d had so much to deal with since then. How had she gotten from the little child who needed confirmation for every move she made to this horrible person who no one liked, or respected. She was a compassionate person, she always had been. But now, she just couldn’t care. The more she cared, the more it hurt and the less she could do it. She could no longer put herself through the gruelling process of loving someone. She’d tried that and now look where it had gotten her. Love begets pain, nothing more, nothing less. She had loved; she had really loved. She had given someone all she had, devoted her existence to him. Everything she did, she did for him; to care for him and ensure his ultimate happiness. But she couldn’t let herself love him anymore. She did the one thing she could do to push him away, the one thing to try to stop loving him. But she hadn’t realised how deep her love was. How much she cared for him and needed to ensure his sanity and wellbeing. She had pushed him away; yet couldn’t survive without him. Why couldn’t she love him? Why did she have to push him away? Because of the pain. Because he could leave, he could die, he could drift away. Her life had become a place that she alone had ultimate control over, and she couldn’t bear to lose that control. Chaos wasn’t her strength, orderly ways were her life. She had to take control of this aspect of her life before she cared too much. But it was too late, she was too attached. Like a mother to her child, the connection was there. She couldn’t exist a day without knowing he was okay, that he was surviving and taking care of herself.
She regretted her childhood. She regretted her adolescence. It paved the way for a life of dysfunction and pain, no matter how fixed she appeared. Fixing people was her strength, but she was the one person who was unfixable. Perpetually alone, perpetually emotionless, perpetually anonymous.

I lied, and I broke my promise

I miss you!
I told you I wouldn't, but I do...

I look at my dutchess, and the book you gave me is there and I miss you
I walk into my room and see the CD you gave me and I miss you
I open my book and see your bookmark and I miss you
I open my phone and see you smiling at me and I miss you

So I'm sorry I broke my promise.
I hope you're having fun
But come back soon,
Half of me is missing.