For you I will

Don't you see?
No. You don't see.
For you. Everything that I do, practically everything I am is for you
He's gone for you. I didn't need him in my life, but I needed you
So stupidly, I thought I could trade. It seemed to work that way in the past
Lose one, gain one, lose that one, gain the other
But of late I seem to have fallen into this horrible mind set
This arrogant, horrid person who thinks she should get things in life
who believes she 'deserves' things.
The fact of the matter is, I've become a horrible person and I don't like who she is.
I've got to change me if I want to change who wants me in their lives
How do I change who I am if I don't even know how I became who I am

Fairy tales

She glanced outside the bus window and wondered. She wondered where the days, weeks, months and years had gone. How had she gotten from there to here. So many things had happened, she’d had so much to deal with since then. How had she gotten from the little child who needed confirmation for every move she made to this horrible person who no one liked, or respected. She was a compassionate person, she always had been. But now, she just couldn’t care. The more she cared, the more it hurt and the less she could do it. She could no longer put herself through the gruelling process of loving someone. She’d tried that and now look where it had gotten her. Love begets pain, nothing more, nothing less. She had loved; she had really loved. She had given someone all she had, devoted her existence to him. Everything she did, she did for him; to care for him and ensure his ultimate happiness. But she couldn’t let herself love him anymore. She did the one thing she could do to push him away, the one thing to try to stop loving him. But she hadn’t realised how deep her love was. How much she cared for him and needed to ensure his sanity and wellbeing. She had pushed him away; yet couldn’t survive without him. Why couldn’t she love him? Why did she have to push him away? Because of the pain. Because he could leave, he could die, he could drift away. Her life had become a place that she alone had ultimate control over, and she couldn’t bear to lose that control. Chaos wasn’t her strength, orderly ways were her life. She had to take control of this aspect of her life before she cared too much. But it was too late, she was too attached. Like a mother to her child, the connection was there. She couldn’t exist a day without knowing he was okay, that he was surviving and taking care of herself.
She regretted her childhood. She regretted her adolescence. It paved the way for a life of dysfunction and pain, no matter how fixed she appeared. Fixing people was her strength, but she was the one person who was unfixable. Perpetually alone, perpetually emotionless, perpetually anonymous.

Replacements

Nothing in all of this has hurt me in my core but today.
You don't even know, you wouldn't have noticed
But I've been replaced. I knew I had been and today it dawned on me
I hope you know
She isn't good enough to fix you
You need me, and I wish you would just see that
See that nothing else matters, that there IS nothing else
See that, and come home

Don't worry

Cause I'm holding on
and I won't let go
I just thought you should know

I am the one who knows you
I am the one who cares
I am the one who's always been there
I am the one who's helped you
And if you think that I just don't give a damn
Then you just don't know who I am

I am the one who held you
I am the one who cried
I am the one who watched while you died.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am the one who loved you
I tried pretending that I don't give a damn
But I know you know who I am

And if you smile widely enough
The whole world sees
And they believe

But see...

You don't get it.
You say I need to do things for myself. That I NEED to be selfish and do something because I want to, not because someone else wants me to.
But don't you see, that's exactly when everything goes wrong
I CAN'T think of myself. It's in my nature to put someone else's needs before my own. I can't NOT
And when you tell me to put mine first, I'm lost
I've got no control, no direction.
I know how to fix others
I don't know how to fix me. So I don't do anything that requires fixing
And that worked just fine for exactly 17 years.
And then it all changed

Oh me

That awkward moment when I fuck up everything
And I do the exact thing that pushes away one of the most important people in my life
You push it aside, you deal and you live
You pretend
And you survive
My mind told me it'd work. Everything was perfectly planned out and it was going to be perfect
What happens when your heart and your head are telling you the same thing, but it's the wrong thing?