you make me ME

i don't know if you know.
but everytime i am with you, i feel a sense of calmness.
i don't feel the pressure to be anything i'm not, to put my guard up.
when i am with you, there is something about you that makes me ME again.
i no longer feel self concious, nervous or quiet and shy. with you i am more lively, confident and HAPPY. you make me YOU, and i think that is one of the best ways to be.

on saturday to begin with i was self concious about what i was wearing, how i was acting, but you just make me calm. i was making conversation and jokes with people i hardly knew. i was totally comfortable and not afraid to say or do anything, because i no longer cared what other people thought, i was happy. for the first time in a very long time, i let go.
i always thought that i would never get a guy to even look at me, yet when i let go, when i stopped caring, i found that maybe, just maybe someone might like what they see in me.
i know it was just a dance and guys dance with girls all over the place, but to have someone want to dance with me, particularly with you standing next to me, gave me the confidence and self esteem i need. i have developed the confidence, over the last couple of months to be me, to let go and suddenlt the world is a more inviting place.
i don't know that i am ready for the world yet, and i don't know that i want to be, but i know that with you there, i am more me, and i like who i am.

so thank you for making me ME. i am glad she has found her way out, and i look forward to having some fun with her.

love you always

oh sweetie...

i just read your blog.
it almost made me cry!
you are the most adorable, cutest, sweetest most sensitive person i know and i love you.
i won't leave you again, dearest wifey,
and you should know that even when i'm not there physically, i am always there in your heart.
love you more than i can say,
your hubby.

i never realised

have you ever thought about how much of your day you spend related to food?

how much of your week?

between cooking, shopping and eating, the average person would spend close to 19 hours a week doing something with food.

and that's just actualy doing something with it.

do you know how much time you spend THINKING about food?

i was doing the 40hr famine and i never realised how much i thought about food. i was doing homework and i wondered why i was getting restless and i realised that i normally have a break and go and eat something, but i was famining so i didn't stop!!!

i kept going to the cupboard when i got bored, then realising that i couldn't eat, then realising what a fattie i was, wanting to eat cuz i was bored!!!

twas an interesting and enlightening experience

SUCCESS!!!

guess who finished their maths assignment
even though she stayed up till 1am tuesday night 'finishing' it
ME
guess who finished her Physics Background
even though she procrastinated and put it off and took 2hours to write 300 words
ME!

i feel such a sense of achievemt that i let myself have a break.
life is good.

im on a roll

15 and a half hours down and im not even hungary! *touch wood*
i feel...normal...i usually do this on weekends! lol
only one barley sugar so far...and antelope? they're not having any 'laxative' effects on me!!! lol

marist tonight!
can't wait, havent been to one in like a year!
i will get to see my new-found male friends!
well...two of them, then again, i only have 4!!! lol me
i need to get out more...

BUT FISRT!

to finish maths assignment...groan

i think i have failed you...

i promised to be there for you
but havent been.
i told myself that you were one of the only people who i would be there for no matter what.
i told that to other people too,
yet still,
i have failed you.

i can see that you are slowly falling apart, breaking away piece by piece.
i want to do something to help,
to pull you into my arms,
stroke your hair,
whisper nonesense calming words in your ear,
and make it all go away.

but i failed you.

over the last few months i have tried marginally to comfort you, to help you
but not enough.
you deserve more.

from now on you will know that i care, i will prove it to you.
you will know that even though you may not want me to be, i will be here, waiting.
you will know that you can let your guard down for me, i won't care, i will just listen and try my best to make it better.

i am sorry for not paying you better attention
i am sorry for believing, or making myself believe the mask
i am sorry for thinking you were ok, when i really knew you werent
i am truly, deeply and totally sorry for not being there for you
but from now on i will be
i promise.

though there are others who expect you to be super woman, to give back what they put in,
you should know that you don't have to do that for me.
i have always felt some major responsibility to protect you, to be the mother lioness protecting her cubs.
i don't care that you go with the others, when you come back, if you come back, i will be waiting.

i love you and i will try to make it up to you.
i won't fail you again

Things I learnt at a semi/post...

i forgot to post this!

1. it is possible to dance for more than 3 hours straight.

2. Mr Baker and Ms Ragonissi can get 'down and giggy with it'

3. Brad doesn't like my rack...lol

4. Brad thinks i am easily offended - he apologised about 80 times!

5. There wasn't a lot of point of supervision, they miss most of the good stuff (note i said most there, erin!)

6. Gabe fails at scissors, paper, rock

7. it is possible to not eat for 11 hours and still not be hungry (bring on the 40hr famine!)

8. Connor is AWESOME...but very shy and insecure...

9. Ryan is better than i am at pool

10. i can't play pool at 12:30 in the morning