Titanic-breaker

Sigh. So I thought I'd outgrown this, but I guess sometimes there's no where else to turn than to the blank page of a blog.
I'm happy, don't get me wrong. My life is actually going right for once. I have everything I could have asked for, and everything I ever planned to have at this stage in my life.
And the old me is back. The me who is everything for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I like being that person; I hated myself for not being her for so long. But I forgot how fucking DRAINING it is to take on board all of everyone's problems, all the time.
5 Subjects
4 jobs
3 weeks of prac
2 volunteer positions
1 boyfriend
I can't do it all. Something's got to give, but it can't be anything on that list. So these days it seems to be my sanity. I guess I'm a bit of a stress-junkie. Testing myself to the limits and walking along that cliff face, just daring the wind to blow me one way or another.
Besides being ridiculously tired and stressed and having more things on my 'to-do' list than my 'done' list, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I thrive on leadership and stress and pressure. It brings out my true colours and forces me to prove to myself that I can cope with the extremes of situations.

So what do I say to the rest of this semester?
Bring it the fuck on.

The river flows in you

There are so many questions I would like to ask you, but I know I'll never do it.
Is this the way you saw us turning out? Is this what you had in mind?
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back, not now. Too much has been said and done and it's just not what I want to do anymore.
But at the time? You were what held me together. It was the best time I had ever spent. And as much as you hurt me, and as much as I hate the way it all happened and how much I say that it didn't matter and it didn't count, I can't deny that it did. I can't deny what it meant to me; what you meant to me. No one has ever been as sweet to me as you were. Even now, after all is said and done, I get these amazing glimpses of what we were, and of what you were for me. And at first I thought it was pain, or hurt, but it's not. It's just me remembering what you were.
Do you regret it? If you knew this is how we'd end up, barely talking, awkwardness, barely friends, would you have done it differently? Would you have given us a go? Or not given up so easily? Would you have listened to me and done what we knew was right? What we knew would work?
But I guess, if it was different, then it'd all be different. For better or for the worse do you think? You wouldn't be depressed. I wouldn't be alone.
But you're not the guy I'm meant to end up with. That much I know. So what good would it have done really? To last a little longer? A few more months of happiness? Maybe you would have been right. Maybe the pain of being together apart would have been more than being apart in all senses of the word.
Do you think we were worth a try though? At least worth the effort of giving it a go?
Do you regret the way you did it? Do you wish it could have been a sweeter, more tragic break-up? Do you think we were worth more than a few text messages after a night of too much tequila?
Do you remember our last kiss on the beach? A fleeting peck, thinking it'd only be 3 weeks before we saw each other, not months apart. If you knew we'd be over 3 days later, would you have made it mean more?
Do you know how hard it was for me? I held onto my best friend for hours and still felt empty. My chest heaving, my throat closed over, but not being able to produce a single tear for you. Not wanting to accept it was true. Writing that letter to you in a hotel in Anaheim. Your cold reply.
Do you remember the weekend in February? The weekend that I re-fell in love with you, fell out of love with you, and in love with someone else? Too much rum, too much tequila and a walk across the hall. The most confusing, best weekend of my life.
I've tried to hate you. I've tried to ignore you and cut you out of my life. But I can't. I still care about you and what happens to you. I can't hurt you more than you already are.

At times I've thought that in 30 years time, you might be forgettable, that I'll forget you existed.
But they're right. You don't forget your first love, and as much as I try to deny it, you're him.

Torn me up and pissed on the pieces

What do you do when you're told that you're the one person you've spent your entire life trying not to be. When everything that you do is spent trying to avoid being that one single person, and then the person you love and trust the most tells you that you've turned into that bastard.
I spend every minute of every day trying not to be him. Every ounce of my being is against everything that he is, yet she tells me it's all for nothing; that I'm the exact same as he is.
There is no deeper way to hurt a person. No other way to destroy everything they believe in and everything that they are.
I could have been a great person, and he destroyed that. He changed me and manipulated me to be exactly what he wanted to be. And then left me with the person who hates him the most.
"I try so hard not to be him. I don't want to be him. I hate him"
"Well I hate to tell you, but that's exactly who you are"

Thanks for ripping my soul out.

Anyone but me

I feel like i'm drifting away from my life. Like I'm drifting away from everything i wanted to be. It's like every one else is going exactly where they need to go, but I don't know where that place is or how to get there. Everyone else is becoming adults while I'm stuck being a kid who still can't figure out which way is up. I thought I knew who I wanted to be in life, what I wanted to achieve. So far all my plans have fallen to shit and I don't know how to turn it around. I have no vision in my life whatsoever. Everything I do is just because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I drift along not knowing where I'll end up. Someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. This isn't her.

Best-selling author of the shittest book ever.

It's any wonder I'm alone, it's any wonder no one wants me.

What do I have to offer. No seriously, what amazing characteristic sets me aside from others?

I'm not attractive, or pretty, I'm not courageous or daring. I'm not particularly funny, witty or intelligent. I'm far too ambitious, incredibly selfish and single-minded. I think of myself before others, get jealous of other people's achievements and I'm stubborn.

So what do I have to offer? Years of baggage, pain, hurt and commitment issues?

Oh yeah. Fucking great catch there. 

Far too often I wish I could be someone else. Someone with admirable attributes. Someone who other people aspire to be. Instead I get to be a cynical, attention-seeking, irritating person that no one wants to spend any great length of time with, and its all people can do not to run from my presence. 

I wish I could be the author of my own life. Build my character and her surroundings, put her in difficult situations that test her strength of character, but allow her to shine through in the end. I wish I could be someone that people read about and think 'Wow. This girl has her shit together. I wish my life was like hers'. I would write me an easy, but not too easy life, full of coincidental incidents that prove to everyone that she knows who she is and what she believes in. 

By now, aren't we meant to be secure in what we are and what we stand for? Isn't that what growing up is about? What about those who have to grow up too early, too fast, and miss the vital steps. Is there a sup-exam? A do-over? What happens if you never grew up properly the first time round, do you get the opportunity to do it right next time? Or do you spend your life somewhere between adolescence and adulthood, not knowing what you really are or how to change it?

You're killing me

I'm at my witt's end.
I cannot watch a romantic movie without my chest aching.
I'm not an attention seeker, I'm not doing this on purpose.
I just want this to end.
I want to live my life. I want to live my life without the memory of you hanging over my shoulder.
I want to watch a fucking movie and not be distraught for 3 hours afterwards.
Is that so much to ask?
Is the universe that much of a bitch that I'm going to continue to live like this forever?
Loving you is the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.
I need it to end.
If there's no point to loving you, then why do I have to keep experiencing this?
I need this to stop, to end, to heal.
I need to stop loving you so I can have my life back.

I wish I knew how to make it go away

Body ache

I want you to hug me until I feel it
I want you to kiss me until I feel it
I want to feel that I'm loved, that I'm something for you, for anyone.
Because each day I just plod along, supposedly getting hurt by things people do or say,
But I don't feel a thing. I'm numb.
And yet sometimes, I feel everything all at once.
It's like my dam of emotions gets a crack in it and all these emotions flow out
I don't know which rain storm it came from, I just know they're there and I can't keep them in.

Sometimes I wonder who named emotions.
It's not heartache. It's a whole body ache.

I wish

I wish I was your favourite girl.
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile.
I wish you couldn't figure me out but you always want to know what i was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset.
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
Basically, I wish that you loved me.
I wish that you needed me.
I with that without me, you'd be spending the rest of your night awake.
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.


Because you're my favourite guy.
Your smile is my favourite kind of smile
I could never quite figure out, but I never stopped trying
I held you when you were upset
I will never forget the look on your face when we first met
I wish you knew I love you
I wish you needed me
Because I spend a lot of my nights awake
For so long, you were the last thing on my mind before I went to sleep.
But you never understood.
I was prepared to move heaven and earth for you
But you didn't want to for me.
Your loss.



My loss.

Ghosts of times past

He walked along and she trailed behind. She was watching his walk; the slight swagger he didn't know he had, but one of the things she liked most about him. She smiled to herself.

'Nice shirt,' he said, noticing her for the first time.

'Thanks,' she replied, 'My parents got it for me. I like the pattern.'

'Me too,' he said, and looked at his feet and kept walking.

I used to hug you and you hugged me tighter. 

That was when I knew where I belonged.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes

How do you measure a year? 525,600 minutes. I bet you didn't even notice. Just another day in your life. The day my life flipped on its head and changed course completely. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I waited another month or so, or not done anything at all. I wonder where I'd be; where we'd be.

T minus 48 hours.

You used to be the one I rang at 11 o'clock at night when I was having a bad day. You used to be the one who solved all my problems. You were the one who made me believe that sometimes, Hollywood could come to life Now you're the reason I'm having a bad day. You're the one I'm crying over at 11 o'clock at night. These days, you create all my problems You're the reason I know the difference between Hollywood and reality. Everything I did was wrong. I know that, but at the same time, it was perfectly correct. I could not have done it any differently. I couldn't have gone on being the friend who loved you and not done anything about it. You've fucked up a year of my life, and I suspect a bit more than that too But I'm still sorry you're gone And as much as I try to tell myself I don't, I think I still love you.

I'm sick of it.

Sick and tired. Of this thing they call love. Everyone wants it, once you have it you love it, but then the inevitable comes around and you're left bleeding on the street with no one to clean you up. What's the point. What's the point of loving, if it's going to be taken away. What's the point of enjoying the moment if we all know the moment is going to end. You fall in love, you fall out of friendship,15 years later you get married and she gets hit by a fucking bus. Where is the logic in that, where is the point in him loving her if it's going to lead to a life of heartbreak after? I'm sick and tired. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of missing you, I'm tired of taking care of you and I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I'm tired of being screwed around and being judged and I'm tired of sitting back and taking it. I want a life, a real life. These are meant to be the best years of my life, and so far, I've spent no more than a month happy. Is that what I'm destined for? A month of happy at a time and then a year of heartbreak? Because I don't know if I can deal with that. The person who said it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was a fucking idiot who had never been hurt. Loving anyone is not worth this.

Thresholds.

If you get punched in the arm in the same spot enough times, does it stop to bruise? Does your body create an immunity to the injury, to the point where it no longer recognises it anymore? Does your threshold increase? Are you able to handle more pain for longer? They say that people who abuse pain killers lower their threshold for pain. What about people who abuse pain? What happens to them? And what about the people who block pain? Do they lose their threshold to be able to deal with it because they never gave their heart a chance to? If your body can't handle pain and you're allergic to morphine, how do you solve your issues. Hope do you deal with being left, forgotten, replaced. How do you deal with him having another child and thinking it's ok. How do you numb the pain you've built up for 6 years, if there's nothing you can do to dull it? I guess you don't. You just hold on tight and ride out the storm. Same girl making the same mistakes in the same way. See, most people learn from their mistakes; the smart ones. God knows she's not smart. She makes the most stupid mistakes of all and heaven knows she pays for them. Forever stupid Forever broken Forever alone.

I'll give it back to you

Hold your breath, because you've taken mine away
You can give it back on another day
Have you noticed two plus two doesn't equal four always?
So count me in, you can count me in, as you breath it in, you can count on me

 Just give me the world and I will give it back to you 
Just tell me it hurts and I will fix it for you 
Just give me the world, and I will

Can read your mind like a blank stare
And your heart vault in the open air
When you get what you want, do you know you can be so sure?
'Cus one way we can find out, there's one way we can know how
 Just give me the world and I will give it back to you

Just tell me it hurts and I will fix it for you
Just give me the world and I will give it back to you (I'll give it back to you)
So tell me your world, got time to

And distance won't keep me away
This distance won't keep me away from you... won't keep me away from you

 Just give me the world and I will give it back to you
Just tell me it hurts and I will fix it for you
Just give me the world and I will give it back to you (I'll give it back to you)
So tell me your world, got time to

And distance will keep me away
This distance will keep me away from you... will keep me away from you

I'd like to say

I wish I could say I've gotten wiser. I wish I could say that I'd matured enough to not need this anymore. But the fact of the matter is, I haven't. I'd like not to need to vent emotions and feelings somewhere where no one would judge me, but I do. I'm new to this 'growing up' thing. I did my growing fast, a long time ago. I'm not used to feelings and turmoil and complications. I'm used to logic and reasoning, so when things are out of my control; when there's too many feelings and emotions, I vent. And I guess part of it is, like most people, I had a reason for starting this blog. I was meant to share the deepest parts of me. I guess that that goal isn't achieved. There will always be deeper parts of me to delve into, more crappy emotions and trivial worries to think about. And maybe that makes me immature, but I don't really mind. I can be immature in this aspect, because I am in very few other aspects of my life. I'd like to think I've grown a bit at least. In light of my studies, I plan to start another blog, talking about my experiences on road. There's pleanty of blogs about in the UK or USA, but next-to-none in Australia, and most likely none that start from the beginning. So, as a first year paramedic student, I'd like to try to present myself to the world with that. Hopefully I don't botch it too much :P Watch this space :D

House made of glass

You say you don't hurt, but I see through that. New hair, new look, new man. You think that just because you look and act differently to what you used to, it means you're someone different. Trust me, I tried that, and it doesn't work. You were hurt. You were hurt badly. Just because you get new hair and new friends and try and forget about it that it'll all go away. The injury is etched into your face like scratches into bone. You can't make that go away. So quit pretending. Quit pretending that you're fine. Just because you show everyone you're happy, doesn't mean you are. It's not until your best friend comments on your interpretive dance that you realise. So what's going to make you realise? What's going to make you better? Because you're not better. Your pain has been incubating for the last 7 months; it's time to let it out and remove the pain. Just because you show us some witty pictures, doesn't make it better. You used to tell me that you looked at that when you were lonely or upset. How is it that you now spend 90% of your time lonely and upset? How did this happen to you

You're right

You're right. There's a difference between being loved and being lusted. You can tell when you're loved. You can tell when you love. It doesn't feel the same when it's not like that. A brief kiss with someone you love is leaps and bounds ahead of a long one with someone you don't. But until I find another, this is what I'm left with. I don't want to be this person

Welcome to my life

You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

You can't fix this. This can't be fixed.

I gave you my heart. And you ripped it out of my hands, tore it up and scattered it into the wind. And now I've got nothing left, nothing left to give.

I can't keep the wave upon the sand...

You're slipping from me. You're slipping from all of us.
We've all morphed into these people that we don't even recognise, certainly people we never wanted to be.
How do we go back. How do we go forward from here?
How is it that it wasn't until I started LIVING that I started living a life of regret?
How is it that all my ideals, my values, the truths I held onto have completely shifted?
How did I let it happen.
They're right. People change when you leave high school. Priorities shift, personalities change, commonalities extinguish.
We're grown ups. How did this happen? And how do we make it stop?
Why the fuck am I sitting here typing this. We all know that it won't do any good. We all know I'm too gutless to actually DO anything about it anyway. So I'll sit here on my high fucking horse and complain that you're slipping from me, when I'm the one who's allowing it. But I'm just so TIRED. Too tired to care enough to make a difference. And that scares me. What happened to the me that wanted to make a difference? What happened to the me that cared about everyone no matter what?
You changed me. In ways I didn't even recognise at the time. But you've changed me so truly and deeply that I don't know how to go back. It's like you've completely re-located my life, but didn't give me a map of how to return.
I need the map. I need to go back. I need you to undo what you did
But it's too late for that

It's all my fault...

I've been so absent, self-centered and uninterested for so long that everyone else has fallen apart.
Everyone is literally falling to pieces before my eyes, and I've been oblivious to it.
How could I not see, how could I not CARE?
But I'm going to change. I'm going to become the person I used to be, and the person who I want to be.
I will help, I will care.
I will be there when you need me most, because you were there when I needed you most.
I will fix this, all of this