Best-selling author of the shittest book ever.

It's any wonder I'm alone, it's any wonder no one wants me.

What do I have to offer. No seriously, what amazing characteristic sets me aside from others?

I'm not attractive, or pretty, I'm not courageous or daring. I'm not particularly funny, witty or intelligent. I'm far too ambitious, incredibly selfish and single-minded. I think of myself before others, get jealous of other people's achievements and I'm stubborn.

So what do I have to offer? Years of baggage, pain, hurt and commitment issues?

Oh yeah. Fucking great catch there. 

Far too often I wish I could be someone else. Someone with admirable attributes. Someone who other people aspire to be. Instead I get to be a cynical, attention-seeking, irritating person that no one wants to spend any great length of time with, and its all people can do not to run from my presence. 

I wish I could be the author of my own life. Build my character and her surroundings, put her in difficult situations that test her strength of character, but allow her to shine through in the end. I wish I could be someone that people read about and think 'Wow. This girl has her shit together. I wish my life was like hers'. I would write me an easy, but not too easy life, full of coincidental incidents that prove to everyone that she knows who she is and what she believes in. 

By now, aren't we meant to be secure in what we are and what we stand for? Isn't that what growing up is about? What about those who have to grow up too early, too fast, and miss the vital steps. Is there a sup-exam? A do-over? What happens if you never grew up properly the first time round, do you get the opportunity to do it right next time? Or do you spend your life somewhere between adolescence and adulthood, not knowing what you really are or how to change it?

You're killing me

I'm at my witt's end.
I cannot watch a romantic movie without my chest aching.
I'm not an attention seeker, I'm not doing this on purpose.
I just want this to end.
I want to live my life. I want to live my life without the memory of you hanging over my shoulder.
I want to watch a fucking movie and not be distraught for 3 hours afterwards.
Is that so much to ask?
Is the universe that much of a bitch that I'm going to continue to live like this forever?
Loving you is the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.
I need it to end.
If there's no point to loving you, then why do I have to keep experiencing this?
I need this to stop, to end, to heal.
I need to stop loving you so I can have my life back.

I wish I knew how to make it go away

Body ache

I want you to hug me until I feel it
I want you to kiss me until I feel it
I want to feel that I'm loved, that I'm something for you, for anyone.
Because each day I just plod along, supposedly getting hurt by things people do or say,
But I don't feel a thing. I'm numb.
And yet sometimes, I feel everything all at once.
It's like my dam of emotions gets a crack in it and all these emotions flow out
I don't know which rain storm it came from, I just know they're there and I can't keep them in.

Sometimes I wonder who named emotions.
It's not heartache. It's a whole body ache.

I wish

I wish I was your favourite girl.
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile.
I wish you couldn't figure me out but you always want to know what i was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset.
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
Basically, I wish that you loved me.
I wish that you needed me.
I with that without me, you'd be spending the rest of your night awake.
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.


Because you're my favourite guy.
Your smile is my favourite kind of smile
I could never quite figure out, but I never stopped trying
I held you when you were upset
I will never forget the look on your face when we first met
I wish you knew I love you
I wish you needed me
Because I spend a lot of my nights awake
For so long, you were the last thing on my mind before I went to sleep.
But you never understood.
I was prepared to move heaven and earth for you
But you didn't want to for me.
Your loss.



My loss.

Ghosts of times past

He walked along and she trailed behind. She was watching his walk; the slight swagger he didn't know he had, but one of the things she liked most about him. She smiled to herself.

'Nice shirt,' he said, noticing her for the first time.

'Thanks,' she replied, 'My parents got it for me. I like the pattern.'

'Me too,' he said, and looked at his feet and kept walking.

I used to hug you and you hugged me tighter. 

That was when I knew where I belonged.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes

How do you measure a year? 525,600 minutes. I bet you didn't even notice. Just another day in your life. The day my life flipped on its head and changed course completely. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I waited another month or so, or not done anything at all. I wonder where I'd be; where we'd be.

T minus 48 hours.

You used to be the one I rang at 11 o'clock at night when I was having a bad day. You used to be the one who solved all my problems. You were the one who made me believe that sometimes, Hollywood could come to life Now you're the reason I'm having a bad day. You're the one I'm crying over at 11 o'clock at night. These days, you create all my problems You're the reason I know the difference between Hollywood and reality. Everything I did was wrong. I know that, but at the same time, it was perfectly correct. I could not have done it any differently. I couldn't have gone on being the friend who loved you and not done anything about it. You've fucked up a year of my life, and I suspect a bit more than that too But I'm still sorry you're gone And as much as I try to tell myself I don't, I think I still love you.