Body ache

I want you to hug me until I feel it
I want you to kiss me until I feel it
I want to feel that I'm loved, that I'm something for you, for anyone.
Because each day I just plod along, supposedly getting hurt by things people do or say,
But I don't feel a thing. I'm numb.
And yet sometimes, I feel everything all at once.
It's like my dam of emotions gets a crack in it and all these emotions flow out
I don't know which rain storm it came from, I just know they're there and I can't keep them in.

Sometimes I wonder who named emotions.
It's not heartache. It's a whole body ache.

I wish

I wish I was your favourite girl.
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile.
I wish you couldn't figure me out but you always want to know what i was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset.
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
Basically, I wish that you loved me.
I wish that you needed me.
I with that without me, you'd be spending the rest of your night awake.
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.


Because you're my favourite guy.
Your smile is my favourite kind of smile
I could never quite figure out, but I never stopped trying
I held you when you were upset
I will never forget the look on your face when we first met
I wish you knew I love you
I wish you needed me
Because I spend a lot of my nights awake
For so long, you were the last thing on my mind before I went to sleep.
But you never understood.
I was prepared to move heaven and earth for you
But you didn't want to for me.
Your loss.



My loss.

Ghosts of times past

He walked along and she trailed behind. She was watching his walk; the slight swagger he didn't know he had, but one of the things she liked most about him. She smiled to herself.

'Nice shirt,' he said, noticing her for the first time.

'Thanks,' she replied, 'My parents got it for me. I like the pattern.'

'Me too,' he said, and looked at his feet and kept walking.

I used to hug you and you hugged me tighter. 

That was when I knew where I belonged.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes

How do you measure a year? 525,600 minutes. I bet you didn't even notice. Just another day in your life. The day my life flipped on its head and changed course completely. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I waited another month or so, or not done anything at all. I wonder where I'd be; where we'd be.

T minus 48 hours.

You used to be the one I rang at 11 o'clock at night when I was having a bad day. You used to be the one who solved all my problems. You were the one who made me believe that sometimes, Hollywood could come to life Now you're the reason I'm having a bad day. You're the one I'm crying over at 11 o'clock at night. These days, you create all my problems You're the reason I know the difference between Hollywood and reality. Everything I did was wrong. I know that, but at the same time, it was perfectly correct. I could not have done it any differently. I couldn't have gone on being the friend who loved you and not done anything about it. You've fucked up a year of my life, and I suspect a bit more than that too But I'm still sorry you're gone And as much as I try to tell myself I don't, I think I still love you.

I'm sick of it.

Sick and tired. Of this thing they call love. Everyone wants it, once you have it you love it, but then the inevitable comes around and you're left bleeding on the street with no one to clean you up. What's the point. What's the point of loving, if it's going to be taken away. What's the point of enjoying the moment if we all know the moment is going to end. You fall in love, you fall out of friendship,15 years later you get married and she gets hit by a fucking bus. Where is the logic in that, where is the point in him loving her if it's going to lead to a life of heartbreak after? I'm sick and tired. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of missing you, I'm tired of taking care of you and I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I'm tired of being screwed around and being judged and I'm tired of sitting back and taking it. I want a life, a real life. These are meant to be the best years of my life, and so far, I've spent no more than a month happy. Is that what I'm destined for? A month of happy at a time and then a year of heartbreak? Because I don't know if I can deal with that. The person who said it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was a fucking idiot who had never been hurt. Loving anyone is not worth this.

Thresholds.

If you get punched in the arm in the same spot enough times, does it stop to bruise? Does your body create an immunity to the injury, to the point where it no longer recognises it anymore? Does your threshold increase? Are you able to handle more pain for longer? They say that people who abuse pain killers lower their threshold for pain. What about people who abuse pain? What happens to them? And what about the people who block pain? Do they lose their threshold to be able to deal with it because they never gave their heart a chance to? If your body can't handle pain and you're allergic to morphine, how do you solve your issues. Hope do you deal with being left, forgotten, replaced. How do you deal with him having another child and thinking it's ok. How do you numb the pain you've built up for 6 years, if there's nothing you can do to dull it? I guess you don't. You just hold on tight and ride out the storm. Same girl making the same mistakes in the same way. See, most people learn from their mistakes; the smart ones. God knows she's not smart. She makes the most stupid mistakes of all and heaven knows she pays for them. Forever stupid Forever broken Forever alone.